My Interview with a Highly Dangerous Person

I do anything to get an article for my faithful readers. And so when the opportunity arose to go to Cherbanistan to interview one of the most dangerous characters there I immediately packed my knapsack and hopped on the plane. When we landed in this arid land, all I could see were dusty hills. But the mini-van was waiting with tiny dark turbaned men inside, Uzi's on the ready and there we went, in search for X. I have to call him that, because he doesn't want to be recognized, even though he has been on TV quite a lot.

After days in the mini-van we couldn't go any further, we had to find him in the hills and so donkeys were waiting patiently to bring us to his cave. I was glad, since I had only packed some cheese-sandwiches in my hurry, and now I was longing for some barbecue, which I hoped was waiting for me at the cave.After days of traveling and a lot of looking at the map, the Uzi-carrying men finally sorted things out and we found the cave. By now I also hoped they would have a coffee-maker because I had been without caffeine for weeks.

X was temporarily not at home, the note at the entrance of the cave said. "Back in 5 minutes". I didn't think that was very polite, when you are expecting visitors, especially someone who is as famous as I am. The cheesecake I brought him was melting already, the whiskey we had started on earlier diminishing at an alarming rate. He must be a careless man; he left the front-door wide open, for all to see and grab.But perhaps they don't get many burglars here.

At dusk he appeared and I recognized him immediately. He smelled of Old Spice and they don't tell you that on TV. "I had to go on an urgent errand" he said,"it's a lot of work, in my line of business". I sort of uh uh -ed. "So," I said, "How do you get a job like this? I mean, is it advertised in the newspaper or something?Like under T?" He laughed."No, it takes a lot of experience to become like me" he said. "You have to know what you're doing". "Oh, like what then"I said."Well, in the old days there was not a lot of communication, it was a bit of a problem finding a phone-boot here". "But nowadays you have to have a cell-phone and people start text-messaging you at all hours of the day, I hardly get any sleep anymore". I looked at his thin face, he did look tired. "And then they want to video me, with this awful cave in the background; it looks as if I have no place to call home" "But surely you must have a real home somewhere?" I asked."I have a small but affordable flat" he said curtly. "And are you married?" I asked, because it is nice when someone is waiting for you when you work hard. "No, are you mad, this kind of work involves a lot of careful planning, a wife would nag me to death. I would have to stay at home and watch all those make-over shows with her" he replied. "It's just the boys and me here". I looked at "the boys" as he so fondly called them. They were cleaning the guns and counting grenades.They waved at us and smiled. Yes, a friendly bunch alright.

"What do you do for a hobby?" I asked."Oh, we play snooker down the road in the pub" he said, "And I am learning to play golf". "but don't you watch TV in the cave in your leisure-time, or can't you get satellite here?" I asked."Yes, I do have a flat-panel TV here and the boys and I watched it quite often, because we like the gardening pro grammes, but they cut us off. I think I forgot to pay them. What do I know about all that stuff, I hardly pay a bill. I am not a thinker you know, more of a do-er. In my line of work you sometimes have to just go for it.You don't think about the consequences, it is too depressing" I agreed whole heartily with the depressing part. I told him that a lot of people took anti-depressing pills these days, because the world was such an unsafe place, and many lived in fear.

He was surprised to hear about that, then became angry. I looked fearfully at the guns. "This is exactly why I never bothered much with TV" he said,"The news alone depresses me; all that violence can't be good. And all those young people on drugs and the like, they are killing themselves" he went on."And high cholesterol is a killer too". He ended in a soft voice."So you're saying that you are against all that?" I stared at him. "That's why I don't have children" he said. I looked at him and thought about all the things he was missing, although I didn't feel sorry for him. I left him sitting by the campfire. The next day we left. X waived me good-bye and gave me souvenirs: a handkerchief and a pen with the national flag on it. I never got the coffee as the electricity was cut off as well in that cave, he forgot to pay the electricity.

Note from author: this story is entirely fictional.