My "Just Do as I Say" Campaign for U.S. President/Emperor

The state of the union is either rosy or going to hell in a hand basket on a bullet train, depending on your perspective. We won't discuss my perspective in today's column. What we will discuss is my entirely serious, sorta kinda, unannounced, word-of-mouth campaign for president/emperor of the United States of America. That's correct. President slash emperor. If you elect me president, I promise to complete the transformation of the office of president to emperor of all the states within my first, last and only term - as president.

First, I would like to thank the current office holder and his predecessors, and their supporters and opponents, for all of their hard work and dedicated efforts to transform the office of president into the domain of emperor. Good work. You have paved the way for my current campaign and I will surely have little work to do to complete the transformation.

'And just what are your qualifications for the office of president of the United States of America, Mr. Field?", you may ask. Glad you asked. I am an American. So there, Mr. Smarty Pants Potential Voter and soon-to-be recipient of non-specified methods of interrogation, none of which are torture according to your vaunted leaders.I am also a card-carrying member of the Boomer Generation and can think of no better person to lead our colossal Boomer contingent off into the sunset of their lives shortly before the asteroid wipes life as we know it from the face of the Earth.

Fear not, younger Americans. Rest assured that, if elected/annointed, I will employ the finest minds in the world to tackle the challenge of diverting the asteroid from Earth's path, thereby saving mankind and creating a really cool soundtrack backed up by videos with actresses and models in various stages of undress. During my grassroots exploratory and awareness campaigns in several bars throughout New Orleans, both before and after Hurricane Katrina, I was fortunate enough to join several (many) late night and early morning discussion panels and working groups focusing on sports, science, religion, sex, politics, and world affairs.

I am happy to report that, through the selfless sacrifice and diligent work of the members of these discussion panels and working groups. solutions to all of the world's pressing problems have been discovered. The solution (need I say?) is to elect me President, endow me with the powers of an Emperor, and then do everything I say. There. Is that so difficult?

Of course, solving the problems of the world today will not be enough because there will always be new problems dreamed up by the more difficult members of society; problems that, if left unattended, will come back to bite mankind on its collective keester. Fortunately, my henchmen/advisors and I watch a lot of television, so we will always be tuned in to mankind's collective problems. Unless, of course, we are tuned in to reruns of "I Dream of Jeannie", in which case mankind is on its own until mankind's vaunted leader is finished fantasizing about.......uh.......watching Barbara Eden.

Oh...hey....Still there? Sorry about that. Anyhoo.....I avidly await the outpouring of grassroots support sure to accompany my current unannounced, word-of-mouth campaign. My previous campaigns were not the ringing successes that some of my more ardent supporters (my mom and me) expected, but they were sufficient to get my name OUT THERE and to build my BRAND AWARENESS.

In the coming months I will expose more details of my Do As I Say Campaign For the Future and introduce you to some of my henchmen/advisors who will become my Cabinet Secretaries/Ministers upon my election/coronation. Please, do not send campaign donations. They will not be accepted. Too much paperwork. Besides, we'll just loot/appropriate funds from the Treasury as needed once I am elected/in charge.

So, remember, vote. Vote often. Vote for me.