My Kids and Miscarriage

We have company over, and the subject of babies come up.

My four year old blurts out "And 3 babies di----" before I clap my hand over his mouth and glare at him, hoping the guests didn't catch that.

He's still learning social niceties, and sometimes I wonder if it was a good idea to let him in on the facts, given his tendency to talk about it.

He also comes up to me at random times, pokes my tummy, and tells me he's checking to see if those babies are in there. "You know, the ones that died".

He doesn't know how much it breaks my heart when he does that.

But, I don't want to be a "mysteriously ill" mother. I don't want them to think my sadness is because of them, or my irritability directed at them. I want to make this plain and matter-of-fact, not scary or distressing or disturbing. My children so far don't associate death with trauma or fear. Sure, it's sad to lose a loved one. Disappointing that you don't get to meet a sibling you were hoping for. But it's one of those things in life that just happens.

I don't tell them all the details. I let them bring it up, if they want to (if we don't have guests). My goal isn't to traumatize them or make them share the burden of my pain. I won't do that. In spite of my occasional misgivings, I think it's good that they know. It is the honest--and only--answer to why they don't have more siblings, when they so deeply want them. It's training ground for dealing with tragedy and pain. They don't comprehend the depths of that, at their ages, but they are watching us and learning. It touches on aspects of theology and doctrine that are important to know, particularly those concerning grace, comfort, and "the valley of the shadow of death". And "Why does crappy stuff happen to good people."

I am sure many other families would choose simply not to talk about it, and I don't blame them. It's hard to talk about at all, let alone in a way that lets a child understand without developing anxieties about it.

But this is our style. Factual and stoic. "This is life. Sometimes it stinks. This is how we live it. This is how we face the stinky stuff. This is how God fits in. And yes, he fits in even when it hurts."