My Life as a London Gangster
Childhood Dreams of Becoming a Thug
I always wanted to be a gangsta. When other little boys wanted to be train drivers or firemen or sporting heroes, I had my eyes set on gangstering.
I entered the Brick Lane Gangster School at the age of 17, and was taught the art of money laundering, tax evasion, racketeering, drugs smuggling, protection, pimping, and given one on one tuition in 'putting on the frighteners'. But the guy teaching us was a bit of a muppet. He was screaming for mercy when I just looked at him, so I knew I had something special. It was almost like being a gangster was my calling.
I formed a gangster gang called the Arm and a Leg Brigade. Anyone didn't pay up, and we took an arm and a leg - theirs. I get a bit teary looking back, as they were happy days. I even give some of the limbs we gathered as souvenirs to people at Christmas. They always SEEM happy to receive 'em, though the limbs have seen better days.
My Memoirs on Gangstering
My old mucker Mickey 'Halitosis' Hodge suggested I write my memoirs, and I wondered what sort of reaction I'd get. DOES EVERYONE READING THIS THINK IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA? Oh, that's good. I wouldn't like to think I'm intimidating you into saying the right thing.
The kids today just don't have the sort of respect we had. We treated people proper. If there's anyone you want 'sorting' just put their name (names) in the comments box, and I'll have 'em as foundations for a motorway in no time. No, better not. I still have a backlog of work in that line as it is.
I'm happy with my partner Jeremy these days. He bought me a nice collection of cut throat razors for our 30th anniversary. He knew it'd remind me of my happy times razoring total strangers.
Published by Paul Rance
Paul Rance is the co-founder, with Andrew Bruce, of small UK publishing company, Peace & Freedom Press, which began publishing in 1985. Paul founded the booksmusicfilmstv.com website in 2005. View profile
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27 Comments
Post a CommentNice :)
I always knew there was something sinister about you. Notorious gangster; I should have guessed it! :P
farout
WHAT? LOL - very funny!
You and S. Todd
If you bury me in concrete after the hit I'd like it to be in a sidewalk in front of a park full of daffodils.
Good Grief! This is hilarious!
Orchiolum...but only if you make it quick and painless...and only if I can have a small space under that motorway filled with pinwheel cookies and orange pop...I'm a demanding victim;)
Write whatever you want, sir, just let me keep all my parts!
I never pictured you as being part of that mob. I thought you were part of the mad hatters gang.