My Life with Depersonalization Disorder

Depersonalization disorder is a dissociate disorder that causes people to feel like they are disconnected from reality and their own body. Depersonalization is something that happens to most people at least once in their life, usually during a life-changing event such as a car accident or winning the lottery. The reason it happens at all is because it acts as a surge-protector for our brain during times of stress. But for people with depersonalization disorder, it can come out of the blue and last for days and even months. I have had depersonalization disorder for five years and I have been coping with it every day.

When I first start to "depersonalize," one of my body parts usually starts to go numb. For instance, if I sit for a long time, the part of my body which is in contact with the furniture will start to go numb. This will cause me to feel like I am "melting" into the furniture, until it feels like I have taken the shape of the furniture. This usually happens during school when I am sitting at a desk for too long. When this happens I will usually leave the room that I am in, but if I wait too long to leave, I can become completely depersonalized, which means that everywhere I go I feel like I am numb - so my feet may feel like they are melting into the floor, my hand on a table, etc.

Depersonalization and derealization aren't only physical; they also have psychological components which can be frightening. After the first stage of depersonalization, which for me is going numb, I will start to feel like I am detached from my body. I can control my body while I am depersonalized, but I don't feel like I'm a part of it. It feels like I am playing a video game or watching TV - I am simply a spectator.

Derealization, which is the feeling of detachment from the external world, also has many effects on me when I begin to DP. Things look surreal, brighter, and more colorful than usual, yet blurry. It is like living inside a lucid dream. While depersonalization makes me feel like I am playing a video game, derealization makes it look as if I'm in a video game.

There are dozens of more symptoms then the ones mentioned, but the most frightening part of depersonalization is the fear of losing my mind. Even though I know that depersonalization can't turn into schizophrenia, the feeling is so strange it is hard to convince yourself that you're sane. Sometimes I fear that if I "let go" I will fall into a deeper state of depersonalization - one that I won't be able to get out of. Often times I have to keep moving my hands and legs, and touch my face so that I can remind myself that I'm there. When I try to relax, this wave of eerie calmness will come over me. Everything I am looking at will start to blur, and my body will become completely numb. Suddenly I will feel like my body is shutting down and on my mind exists. Basically, I feel like I'm going to die or fall into a coma. I feel obligated to continuously move in order to keep this from happening.

I started to depersonalize five years ago when I was 16. I didn't know what was happening so I went to the hospital where they gave me Xanax. They told me that it was just a panic attack. I knew it wasn't just a panic attack, but I had no idea a disorder like depersonalization existed and I didn't want them to send me to the crisis unit, so I began taking Xanax to keep myself from getting nervous when I was depersonalized. I still became depersonalized, but Xanax made me worry less about it. I was depersonalized almost every day for those first three weeks. I thought I was probably developing schizophrenia or I had brain hemorrhaging.

I didn't find out about depersonalization disorder until I was 19. I was living in an apartment in Maryland when I had a bad episode. I described it to my room mate and he told me that it was depersonalization - he also told me that he suffered from it. I was happy to find out that it was a real thing and I wasn't the only person who had it. I also found an online forum where everyone had the same symptoms that I'm having.

I was finally diagnosed with DP/DR when I went to a hospital for a terrible episode I was having. I had been depersonalized for about a week straight and I decided I would do whatever it takes to stop it from happening again. They sent me to the crisis unit where the doctor told me I had depersonalization disorder. He also told me I would have to stay there for about two weeks so they could test drugs on me. I didn't have the time to do this, but he said it was out of my hands. I eventually convinced the secretary to let me go because it was the end of the spring semester and I would have failed if I didn't leave.

This doctor was proof that there is still a lot that needs to be learned about depersonalization disorder. He told me that depersonalization was a symptom of post-traumatic-stress-disorder (which it can be), and that I had to be repressing memories of a traumatic event for it to happen. He said they might try anti-psychotic drugs to "cure" my depersonalization. The truth is, no one knows what causes depersonalization and there is no cure for it yet. I don't think I am repressing any traumatic events in my life and I definitely don't think I need anti-psychotics. Until they find out more about the disorder I'm going to try to fight it on my own, because I don't want to be a guinea pig. Living with depersonalization disorder is a day-to-day struggle, but I know I can win the battle if I keep my head high.