My Life is Just Beginning:

My parents are both addict/alcoholics (not that they know that of course) and my father was a raging abuser. You know, you learn scary things when you are the child of an abuser. At a young age, I knew how to lie, hide things, cover bruises, avoid confrontation, manipulate adults and take care of not only myself but my two younger siblings. It was always so normal to me that only now looking back is it sad.

When I was a freshman in high school I had my first boyfriend. When he became very controlling I talked to him after school one day to break up with him and he raped and choked me. He then proceeded to stalk me off and on for the following six years. To the point of waiting for me and my first husband on our wedding day outside of my work when I was going to see friends who couldn't make it to our wedding. Awhile after that incident, he finally disappeared. I don't know what ever happened to him and I don't care. It may sound cold and yes I have forgiven him, but there are some people that you just no longer concern yourself with- he is one of those.

My first husband was a joke. While, I was raising a child of his from a previous relationship and struggling to get pregnant (after being told that I would never have children because of the scar tissue from the rape), he was busy having affairs and ignoring me. I started drinking and after I left him I started doing drugs and had a string of bad relationships, each one worst than the one before it.

The last relationship I had before meeting my current husband was by far the worst period in my life. He was a raging drug addict, only I was still recreationally using at the time, so I didn't see the danger signs. He started shoving me around a little after 6 months together and then stupid me, I moved to Las Vegas with him. Once there, he got completely out of control. He broke my nose twice in one week. Lots of stuff I don't even want to say. I think the head games were the worst though, the threats of what he might do and the sick Q & A sessions. One night he threw me on the floor and wrapped his fingers around my throat, no matter how hard I fought I couldn't breathe and all I remember was how painful it was. I thought I was going to die that night, for some reason he let go. I knew then that I had to get away or I was going to die. I left and went to a shelter for a few days and then flew home to Oregon and my sister moved back to Vegas with me, so that we could live together and I could get away from him. Of course, I went back and forth a couple of times before I got away from him for good. I lost everything I owed, ruined my credit by breaking my lease and started using A LOT more drugs. After a while of my sister and I partying, then living in our car, then sleeping in a park we finally came home to Oregon. I met my current husband my first day back and immediately fell in love with him. He was an addict at the time, but now we have both been clean for almost a year and a half.

We have now been married for 8 1/2 months and have a beautiful little 7 month old man named Tristan and life is strangely normal. We love it! We are planning on trying for our next baby in June and the rest of lives.

Do I still panic in the dark sometimes? Absolutely. But, I found this beautiful quote the other day and gave me so much peace.

"We should define ourselves by the best that is in, not by what is done to us"

I hope that it can also help someone else find peace and the strength for forgiveness.