My Life with Social Anxiety

I want to discuss my life with Social Anxiety & Asperger Syndrome. I will primarily focus on the social anxiety for this piece. Social anxiety is defined by Wikipedia as, "a term used to describe an experience of anxiety (emotional discomfort, fear, apprehension or worry) regarding social situations and being evaluated by other people." Everybody suffers from a certain degree of social anxiety, whether it involves the fear of speaking in public, starting a conversation with a stranger, or flirting with somebody of the opposite sex. What differentiates me from the average man or woman is that my social anxiety is more extreme. In fact, it pretty much invades every part of my life. Going to the grocery store, getting a haircut, talking to a girl, or just jogging down the street are all very uncomfortable for me. If I could have it my way, I would probably permanently confine myself to a private and completely isolated location, where at I would never again have to interact face-to-face with another human.

What makes my condition even worse is the fear that I cause in other people. Due to my awkward demeanor, over-observant eyes, and lack of social skills brought on by my autism, I am oftentimes deemed to be crazy, dangerous, and even psychotic. This frustrates me because people fail to realize that my fear of them is far greater than their fear of me. It is much like how some grown men and women are so afraid of a mouse that upon seeing one, they jump upon the closest table or chair and scream out in agony. How is it that 100+ pound humans can be so terrified of a tiny mouse? Perhaps they fail to realize that the mouse is far more afraid of them. Not to mention that they assume the mouse to be a vile, disgusting, and despicable creature wrought from the dingy bowels of a putrid sewer. Sadly, some people view me within the same light, or darkness rather. This in turn only worsens my plight because I am left 'rejected', and unable (due to my anxieties) to express the beauty within myself. To be quite frank, it sucks.

There have been many instances in my life where I wished nothing more than to approach an individual or groups of individuals, and lay my heart upon them. In some instances, there was a conflict between us that needed resolution. Such is the case when, during college, my lack of communication skills combined with my flamboyant attire (baggy jeans, G-Unit hoodies, colored bandannas, colored wrist-bands) left me a frequent target to 'side-of-the-neck' insults. While I strolled through campus, I often heard rude 'side-of-the-neck' remarks such as, "He thinks he is cool," or "He is such a loser." Instead of approaching the party and confronting them, I always held my hurt & pain inside of me. Over time, it built up upon itself until I finally released it all online in a typed explosion of grand proportions. I was quickly vilified and made out to be some demented and neurotic monster. The truth is that I was still very emotionally immature and in fact entirely incapable of handling the judgment and vulgarity of others.

Over the years, experience, maturity, and knowledge have empowered me with the inner strength to not only much better withstand others, but to also better express myself. Nevertheless, numerous hurdles still lay before me. My gradual journey into the bosom of society has barely begun. I spend practically all my time at home and alone. Although I do have roommates, per which I am ever so thankful that they are congenial and understanding, my direct face-to-face time spent with others is practically nonexistent. I am in essence, an outcast of society. Although I have come to find solace in this loneliness, I still hold deep within me a tremendous desire to escape and discover life outside of this 'cave.'

The problem is that my pent up heartache and desire for intimacy leave me very susceptible to forming deep and inappropriate attachments with those few whom I am able to get close with. For instance, I was visited by a State-sponsored therapist from late 2007 up until last month. During that time, I 'fell in love' with her; she became my world and was in fact the only woman with whom I have been close with in over 6 to 7 years. Truthfully speaking, she is the only woman with whom I have ever been emotionally close. After she recently left to pursue alternate employment, I was left temporarily devastated. However, I did manage to gather my bearings and move on. What I have come to realize from my time with her is that I was not, and had never been, in love with her. It was rather that my desire for intimacy had left me so irrational and clinging for love, that I sought her out as a 'cure.' Unfortunately, there is no cure for either autism or social anxiety. There is, however, understanding, tolerance, and compassion. But, that cannot come from me. That has to come from you....society.

Before I leave, I readily encourage everybody to read up on Social Anxiety (disorder) & Asperger Syndrome. They are not fun conditions to suffer from. But, they certainly aren't debilitating either. I payz my taxes! Do you?