My Life: A Story of Secret Defiance

He always had the cutest smile and every time I saw him it made me weak at the knees. This guy was not like any other guy I had ever met, this one was different and I knew that one day we would be together, I knew this from the first time we met, and I wanted to make him mine. I was lucky because this guy was related to my best friend; that meant he would come to talk to her and sometimes if I was lucky, he would speak to me. Seeing him would always make me smile.

I grew up pretty normal, in an average home with an average family, although my parents (especially my mother) were very strict on me. "Don't do this! Don't wear that!" She would always say. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere with my friends and I didn't have many cousins my age. If we went anywhere, it had to be as a family. I was 3^rd of six children. That's right the middle child, what a burden. I had two older sisters, two younger sisters and an even younger brother who was spoilt rotten. I was a normal child, with good grades, large personality and a good heart.

Growing up as Lebanese Muslim girl meant things were a lot stricter on us girls then it was for the Non- Muslim girls at my school. I was always jealous of their clothes, their families and their boyfriends. It wasn't fair, they always seemed to go out with friends and I was never allowed. I only went to one birthday party when I was in primary school (because my friend's dad was a teacher at our primary school), but I didn't even get to sleep over and have McDonalds the next morning. I was so disappointed. I remember being disappointed a lot growing up and being so young it was hard to understand.

I remember seeing my older sisters fighting with my mother all the time because she would always be so tough on them; the oldest was not even allowed to have her girlfriends call her at home. I think the reason my mum was like this was because she was brought up taking care of 7 brother and sisters because she was the oldest in her family. She was also forced to drop out of school in grade 2 (in Lebanon) to help her mother raise her siblings. This was deemed absolutely normal and a girls responsibility. I didn't agree.

My mother had a hard life growing up in Lebanon, a poor country. My mother and her family lived in an ancient small building apartment with cracked walls and ceilings. They shared with two other families of ours. My mother and her siblings, as well as my grandparents slept in the same room. They didn't have air-conditioning on those hot summer days, no shower (just a small tub which they shared), a small box for a TV and hole in the ground as their toilet (where even the elderly, would have to crouch over the small hole in the ground to do their business). They barely had enough money for food let alone clothing.

As the eldest child, my mother was the first to be wed. It's traditional for children as young as 12 in those countries to get married and start a family (even though they were still children at that age, but instead they were forced to grow up). My mum was lucky; she met my father and was married at 15. She had my eldest sister at 16. It was then that her life changed, she was told she was moving to Australia!

It was in high school when I first met the guy of my dreams; we were both in year 7. I was so excited when I got to say hello to him (in high school, this referred to a kiss on the cheek). I made sure everyday to walk past him and his friends at least once just for a kiss hello, some days I was lucky though and would get a kiss good bye too!

As the years went on I began to speak to him more and more often, only a few words at a time. He was tall with caramel coloured skin, big brown eyes, and a gorgeous smile with dark brown wavy hair. He was Latin American from El Salvador and his Spanish was beautiful every time he spoke (which was not often, unless speaking to my best friend Mary who was also from El Salvador).

I never had a boyfriend before and so didn't know what to do, what to say and how to act. Every morning, I would wake up extra early just to do my hair a special way in hope of impressing him. I was small framed, with long black hair, light honey brown eyes and a curvy figure which was very feminine (although I didn't know that in year 7). I wasn't the most popular or even very attractive at such a young age. My dream guy didn't notice me much, can't say I blame him really; I was just another ordinary girl in big world.

By the time year 9 came along, I seemed to be enjoying school more and more, maybe because I still had a secret crush on this beautiful guy. Most kids hated school whereas I on the other hand would be disappointed when holidays came by (school was my escape from home). I never saw any of my friends during the holiday period, I would only watch TV and sleep in most days. I didn't go shopping or to the movies with friends or even catch the bus. That was fun and my mother didn't believe in fun.

This year something strange happened, I was being noticed more and more by guys; this was strangely different but I was very welcoming. I think as I was becoming more of a woman; with bigger breasts than the other girls, curvier bottom and started to wear my hair out straight (after spending 3 hours ironing it with the clothes iron - we couldn't afford the genuine hair irons). I guess I was becoming more attractive and it was the year 2000 when I had my first boyfriend, actually my first 4 boyfriends! It was they who asked me and I was flattered and said yes (even though I was still dreaming about the other guy). It was quite exciting having a boyfriend, we used to hold hands and at least once a day we would kiss each other on the lips. By this year my secret crush had several girlfriends, he was by far the most popular guy in school and continued to be with girls of all year levels. I would see his name all over their school books, lockers and desks. I knew I had a massive fight ahead of me if I wanted him to be mine. Not to mention each of his girlfriends had cheated on him, he was sincerely nice to all of them and they continued to take advantage of him. He was being hurt over and over again. I hurt to see him upset.

Dating was something I was brought up believing was a sin and something I would go to hell for; I mean even being in the same room as a guy while we were alone was a sin. Actually a lot of things were sins; not wearing a hijab (I never did), eating gelatine or pork, drinking, dating boys and even touching a male was haram (wrong). There are so many rules in my religion that I lost track and went off the rails by having secret boyfriends.

As the years went on I finally reached my VCE, I was in my final years of school and I was very sad. By this time I was a lot more attractive and popular with both males and females and my crush was still my crush but as obvious as I would make it with the looks I gave him, I think he definitely knew by now. During school we would go on school excursions such as the annual swimming sports. I heard my crush asking my best friend if she knew what I was going to wear. I was so excited by that I spent two hours looking for my best outfit (I wasn't allowed to wear bathers or shave my legs in reality but I did it behind my mothers back anyway). On the day I secretly shaved my legs in the car using my dad's shaver and no water or product. I will NEVER do that again! My legs went bright red.

To be continued....

This is just a taste, the beginning of whats to come....do you want to know what happens next?