My Mom, the Narcissist: The Ramifications of Being Raised by a Narcissist
But what happens when your mother is a narcissist? My mom will tell anyone who will listen that she never felt like she belonged growing up. She was the youngest of six children and was much younger than her youngest sibling. Her parents were, therefore, older and not able to be involved in many activities with her growing up. She claims that her personality is so different from the rest of her family that she often wondered if she were adopted or if there was some hanky panky going on the with mailman somewhere along the line. True or not, she believes it. And, I believe, this is what shaped her narcissistic personality. She grew into a woman who cannot see beyond her own needs to empathize or even see the needs of others. She functions from a truly self-based perspective.
Here is an example. There was a couple who were best friends with my parents when I was growing up. They had a young son who had epilepsy and some severe developmental and anger issues. At one point, my mom told them that she believed he had serious issues and needed professional help. Was she trying to be helpful? I don't believe so. She came to a point where she didn't want to spend time around them because the son made her uncomfortable. Thus, she offered her opinion. They were somewhat offended, especially the husband, and she says the friendship deteriorated. Years later the husband, who was the local fire chief, was killed in a freak accident where he was run over by a runaway fire truck. When I heard the news and called home, my mother said, "I just keep thinking that if we had stayed close, this would never have happened." Now, maybe that seems an innocent enough comment, but in the context of the rest of the conversation it was obvious she truly believed if she had not alienated him years before, he would not have been killed.
I don't know that my mom would be diagnosed with full-blown narcissistic personality disorder as the issue has never been explored but, as differentiated by an article on CNN.com, she would certainly be classified as having a narcissistic personality style. Growing up in my family, it was very obvious whose needs and opinions were valued, and you had better believe they weren't those of any of the rest of the family members. My dad catered to her every whim or paid the consequences. I knew that if I went to her with a problem, she would turn it around to be about her or her problems. I went through a difficult time in high school. I suffered from issues related to self-worth and that manifested in some very unhealthy behaviors. I drank frequently and was promiscuous. I once applied for a job and was rejected. The job was at the soda counter of a local drug store in the small town where we lived. It so happened that one of the ladies working in the store had gone to high school with my mother. When I was turned down for the job, she told my mom that it was because I had a bad reputation. Mom was not concerned about the destructive behavior I was exhibiting. Most mothers would have discussed the behavior with me; maybe they would have sent me to counseling to get some help. Not my mom. She gave me the lecture of a lifetime about how my behavior made her look to the people of our town. What I was going through was unimportant and was never discussed in any context other than how it affected her. Counseling was never suggested. Concern for my safety and well being was never even mentioned.
That feeling of not being important was the cornerstone of my life for many years. It manifested in that promiscuity, in teenage drinking, and in getting pregnant while unmarried at a young age. It has only been in recent years through counseling that I have learned that the defect is in my mom and not in me. It has taken years, but I have finally overcome the issues of self-worth and learned to live life happy and healthy without the destructive behaviors.
Is my mom still narcissistic? Absolutely! The difference is that I know now that I can't change that. I can only change how I react to her and her narcissistic personality.
Is there a narcissist in your life? Here are two suggestions for dealing with a narcissistic personality. First of all, realize that unless the person involved seeks professional help there is little you can do. Learn to control your reactions to them and realize that, if you find yourself in a situation where you need support or validation, you will need to find it somewhere else. Since the narcissist is incapable of empathy and cannot see outside of themselves, they will be unable to help you.
Secondly, it is extremely important to understand that the defect is not in you! If you are involved with a narcissist whether it is a parent, mate, or even child, you may need to seek professional help of your own to live a healthy life. Don't let the actions of a narcissist affect your life in an unhealthy manner.
Sources:
http://www.mythweb.com/encyc/entries/narcissus.html
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/narcissism
http://www.cnn.com/HEALTH/library/DS/00652.html
Published by lisaq
just a girl trying to survive the perils of dating in my 40s... View profile
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- Narcissus was a character in Greek mythology whose self-love caused his destruction.
- The term narcissism was coined after the story of Narcissus.
- Narcissism is a personality disorder typified; by self-love and lack of empathy.
31 Comments
Post a CommentI have read some of the comments ;( My mother was an emotional monster to me. This has made me a loner. Since I couldn't trust my 'mother' Has made me leary to trust others. Her joy was to make/ruin my life. Let me tell you a little bit about her. She came from Germany to America after the 2nd war. ( Nazi) She hated anything that wasn't German or Germans that didn't agree with Nazi ways. Sooo, I didn't agree (at all) with her ideas. I would question her ideas, she told me Iam only to agree and not ask questions. My mother's words to me, if you were in Germany during the war even though you are German you would be shot with the things you say and question. I loved my mother with all my heart. I did many things to help her since she was a widow, but, it didn't matter to her even though she always took my help. In her Nazi ideas I was a failure because I didn't agree. She lived her life making my life extremely miserable. It will not let me finish my story.
So glad that I found this conversation. People, I cannot even begin to tell you the numerous things that my mother said and did, and that she continues to do in her later years. I'm middle-aged now, and only discovered about 2 years ago, what my mother's problem was called. At last, I had a name for it, and I could begin to do some research and reading about it! It all falls into place now, which makes me feel better. But of course, nothing can erase the pain and heartbreak, the psychological agony of being raised by a narcissistic parent. It's a pain worse than most people could ever understand.
..Continuing the post from below.. Even the good deeds she does, when explained, come out to be nothing other than another attempt to uphold her deteriorating composure. However, I'll be moving away next year, so I'm relatively content, despite the fact that I feel myself becoming like her. I hope I'm never like her.. ever.
Very true. I live going between a narcissistic mother at the moment, as well as a father who is the same way. I resent them both, though much less so my father because he will at least admit his pride in his self, rather than pushing it onto myself or my mother. My mother, however, there is a twist with. She is nothing more than a manipulative and fake being. She constantly complains about her traumatic past, myself, and my father, and she berates me about how my siblings and I affect her appearance, just her appearance, and especially my eldest sister, who is much older than me. She only shows concern or care about me in public, and this is solely to bolster her reputation as a mother, but despite the fact that no one is fooled by this, she keeps on. I am thankful, however, for these moments, when I can be pampered, but for keeping my mouth shut. Otherwise, life is hell. My mother cares about no one outside of herself and that is entirely obvious in everything she says and does. Even
I wish I would have read this 20 yrs. ago,I have always felt like I was beneath everyone and I have struggled with happiness and self-esteem my entire life, I always knew in my heart that my parents played a huge part in my struggles with life but there is also a side of me that says "that was the past and you cant change what happened, your a man now so you need to stop blaming them and take responsability for your actions" but as hard as I try to do this my heart wont allow me to just let go and forgive them and this has always made me feel like I'm going crazy but reading these articles has really helped me because it assures me that I'm not alone in this and maybe I'm not going crazy afterall so I thank all of you for your input
Afriends has a mother who is a true narcissistic personality. She never ever takes fault in anything she does wrong even if the whole rm is there . As things have gone a long time this way her family just kinda goeson and thats that.
The greatest danage she has done is the children that she has put down so she is the wrong one or has to change. She has never ever show any form of compasion to any one I can think of what so ever. I will be so glad when she is gone.
She is very ill now and she is sowong the seeds she has sown.
continued from the post below to finish it up...My Mother says she'll even pay for it!!!!!!!. As an adult I put myself in therapy, I have trouble in intimate relationships. Needless to say my mother never paid for it, because "she never got to go" My Mother is a selfish bitch, my little brother tried to commit suicide, and my mother said it was my fault. My Mother tries to compete with me, she is 67, I am 44. It makes me sick she is so disconnected. My Mother bad mouths me to my friends, even though my friends know better. My Mother makes up stories of how awful I am. My Mother refuses to remember anything about me, I can tell her something over and over, and she pretends she never heard it. My Mother remembers things about neighbors, or people she meets, but not her own daughter. My older brother was killed in a car accident in Texas and buried as John Doe, we didn't even know about it. My Mother never did a thing about it, except use more drugs. I used to work for my mother, when the
My Mother has been married and divorced 3 or 4 times. When I was a little girl I had a phone in my room, I was 14. My Mother would give my bedroom phone number to men she new who would call my room number and want to "talk" to me. Then it started on the house phone. My Mother used to tell me my step dad had a big penis, I was 12. My Mother used to try to get me to use cocaine, and when i denied her, she would scream at me and say "you think your perfect"!!!! My Mother grabbed me once and pulled my jacket away and said to a man she was with "look at my daughters breasts". My Mother blamed me for things I never did, lied to authorities, saying I turned the Edison dial back, when it was her husband that did it. My Mother lies to her employer, saying "my daughter needs legal help, can you recommend anyone"? When it is my Mother that needed legal help. My Mother is a Master Manipulator, if you do what she wants, and says, she treats you well. My Mother says I need therapy, and she'll even p
www.daughtersofnarcissicmothers.com is a realy good site to read. I only discovered it yesterday and couldn't read enough. The more I read the more I heard myself think 'omg...omg....dear sweet jesus...that's my mother'
I've probably always know my mother had a problem. I don't ever remember her showing me any affection, no cuddles, no good night kisses...nothing.
Instead I got constant abuse. I now know it was abuse but as a child I thought I was just really bad and disrespectful to my mother. I could do no right. She would tell me repeatedly that I was useless, stupid, skinny and ugly. She told me there was a place for children like me...the childrens home for delinquent children and if I didn't do what she wanted exactly how she wanted it that she would send me there.
I wanted to run away but knew I couldn't....where would I go...who would look after me. She would only find me and bring me back and the punishment would be terrible.
No one was allowed to like me, not even my own
Thank You for your article. I've been trying to figure out for a while now why my N M is trying to steal my dreams of running my own craft store by becoming my competitor ( yes, thats right she started selling the same things I am after I started doing well) because after all she can do it better. Thank You for sharing I just have to remember a big part of her is jealous that it wasn't her idea. Thanks again