My Mother and I

Adult mother and daughter relationships are fraught with complexities and tensions. This is more so in societies that are in a state of flux. India has changed so much since 1940 when my mother was born to 2007 when she died. It can be confusing to women who are born and brought up in a stricter milieu and are now confronted with daughters growing up in a vastly different and easier society.

My relationship with my mother was stormy, to say the least. At first I just thought it was a relationship problem or communication gap between me and my mother. I looked around and found that I was not alone. Many of my friends were going through the same painful and angst ridden relationship with their mothers. By that time internet had entered our lives and I started reading all that I could about the subject. I read a study conducted by Pennsylvania State University "The study of aging mothers and their adult daughters" that stated, despite conflicts and complicated emotions, the mother-daughter bond is so strong that 80 percent to 90 percent of women at midlife report good relationships with their mothers-though they wish it were better (Karen Fingerman, Ph.D.researcher)

"I love my mother, but sometimes she drives me crazy" is a common refrain from many adult women. It is a fact that the mother-daughter bond is strong and powerful and it shapes the lives of young women and instills in them clear concepts of bonding, motherhood and responsibilities towards home and family.

It is also loaded with potential to annoy or enrich you. The mother-daughter relationship is the perfect arena to develop and practice relationship building skills that form and shape every other relationship in a woman's life because the mother-daughter bond is such a close one. It's so close in fact, that you can't just forgive and forget the past. The more you learn to make peace and find a meaningful connection with your mom, the richer other relationships will be. (Dr. Linda Mintle Licensed Clinical Social Worker)

Much of Mintle's therapy practice was spent helping women deal with the mother-daughter issues. Her report states that women need to work at their relationships with their mothers in order to develop intimacy in all their relationships. Tackling relationships with the tools of her trade, and also armed with personal experience of being a daughter, she worked at improving her relationship with her own mother.

Mothers today must raise girls in a vastly different environment than they themselves experienced (Dr. Ann Caron's Don't Stop Loving Me). Issues that concern young girls who are growing up in India today are vastly different from issues faced by older women. Older women were married off when they attained puberty. Many of them had ambitions that were never realized. The daughters have grown up in a much more relaxed society and have had the best of education and have challenging careers along with homes and families. This has led to issues of control, communication gap and unhealthy competition.

Once I admitted to myself that there was a problem, I studied the resources I could access on the net. Then I formulated an action plan.

(i) I sat and discussed the problem with my mother. At first she was unwilling to admit there was a problem. Then she reluctantly agreed to it.

(ii) We started sharing activities together. Simple things like shelling peas, darning clothes and shopping helped us bond with each other.

(iii) I started taking my children to my mother's home on Sundays and other holidays for lunch or evening tea.

(iv) My mother also started taking initiative. She would invite me and my children often to religious functions. The children protested, but I insisted that we had to participate as a family.

She was happy to see the efforts I made, even though she never acknowledged it or gave me credit. I think I did the right thing by bridging the gap when I did so. She lived a happier life and her last days were spent in my home, surrounded by loving grand children.

Works Cited
Karen Fingerman, PhD Researcher, "The study of aging mothers and their adult daughters" Springer Publishing Company, 2001.

Dr. Ann Caron, "Don't Stop Loving Me", Harper Collins, 1992

Dr. Linda Mintle, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, A Daughter's Journey Home, Thomas Nelson, 2004
Dr. Ann Caron, "Don't Stop Loving Me", Harper Collins, 1992