My Mother Dumped Her First Child; Now I Am Dumping Her

Lots of people talk about dumping their boyfriends, wives, and even their attorneys or accountants. Mothers will even dump their children, placing them for adoption, if they don't think they can handle being a parent. But no one ever talks about dumping his or her mother. Plenty of people have issues with their dysfunctional families, and I have heard some people (women in their 40s especially) who claim to avoid their mother. Sometimes, avoiding just isn't enough and there comes a time when you should just give it up. Like a divorce, if the relationship isn't working and there is no hope for making it better, you always have the option to walk away. Mother's are no different. Here is my story.

My mother and I have never been extremely close, but I always thought I knew her. When I was growing up I always saw her as a kind submissive woman, eager to please everyone. She was beautiful to me and had an awesome singing voice. I remember when I was small, my mother and I would listen to her favorite Barbara Streisand records, singing at the top of our lungs while we cleaned the house together. Listening to her sing was one of my few comforts as a child. Her voice was always pleasant, and singing together provided one of the few connections we had. While I did not always respect my mother, for various reasons I won't get into here, I never would have labeled her as a liar.

As far as I was concerned, other than possibly being promiscuous and curious like most flower children, I would have never guessed my mother had any major secrets.

I don't remember ever spending any quality time with my mother before I was 6. I guess because she was either taking care of my dad before they divorced or she was working all the time trying to provide for 2 children as a single mother. Life must have been difficult for her back then. My memories as a child really don't begin until my mother married my step dad and started our new life. A new life that wouldn't always provide for my emotional needs.

Without getting into much personal detail about the complete dysfunction of my family unit, I admit my mother was never one to show her feelings on her sleeve. If she felt pain, she kept it tucked far enough away that no one could see it. She may have thought she was protecting me, but what it actually did was isolate her from getting to know me. And in teaching me to stuff my feelings, she isolated me from love.

Although my family was extremely dysfunctional, they did an awesome job of keeping our mess behind closed doors. As a child, this should have been an insight to her ability to maintain skeletons. Being isolated from many truths and taught to hide my feelings, I grew up to be a naïve adult, often blaming myself for feeling things my mother would never acknowledge or validate.

As I got older, the distant relationship with my mother grew to a casual relationship out of respect for my existence. Issues and bad feelings about the past were stuffed and never open for discussion with her. I learned to accept her denial about so many things for so many years, that I just attributed her actions and attitudes as non-confrontational. I didn't realize that her sense of guilt probably played a role in keeping to herself.

Finally, a few years after I turned 30, my mother was forced to come clean with a truth she had hidden from me for my entire life. She called me over the phone and told me I had an older half brother that I never knew about. She confessed about her teenage pregnancy and how she had given him up for adoption in hopes he would have a better life. He had finally come looking for her to learn about his family's medical history.

I was completely in shock. It was as if nothing in the world seemed real anymore. How could I trust anything anymore? When your own mother can keep a secret from you for over 30 years, you start to wonder what else is hidden from you. What are other people keeping from you? I lived in the same house with her, ate the same food, and used the same bathroom and yet I knew nothing of her true self. It was extremely hurtful. But I couldn't tell her that. Just like I can't tell her anything else I feel without causing complete chaos in my family.

Once again, my family shocked me with more lies when my older full-blooded brother (the one I grew up with as a child), was arrested for soliciting prostitution. He had been married for more than 8 years to an accepting and submissive woman, much like my mother (no surprise). He had been working in another state for several months with my step dad, and my sister-in-law called him every day to say hello and keep him up to date on their children's schoolwork and daily lives. One morning, my step dad called me and asked if I knew where he was because he didn't show up for work. My sister came over frantic, wondering if something had happened to him. I halfheartedly said, "He probably got a DUI or was arrested for prostitution." I guess I knew him better than my mother, but was still surprised to find the latter was actually true.

My mother and the rest of the family acted as if it wasn't a big deal. His wife stayed with him, and things were, "business as usual" at my mother's house. Don't talk about it and it will be like it never happened. Lets all just pretend together and forget about it. His wife's feelings were never validated by anyone in the family. They have no idea that the only reason she stays with him is because she doesn't have any other family and without the extended family she feels completely isolated. I feel sorry for the woman, her life is very sad.

Being the mule that I am, and totally disgusted by his actions, I just couldn't put it aside and go on like nothing happened. I refused to attend our traditional family gatherings because I didn't want my children around that disgusting pig. Especially my daughter. And, I'm sorry, I'm just not going to touch the same food as him, because I don't know where he has been. If he was going to be there, I wasn't. I apologized to mother and told her someone was going to have to make him see what he did was wrong. Other than some financial and legal issues, the man faced no consequences to his actions and will never learn. God forbid I should tell her the reason he turned out this way was because of her and my step dad.

Because of my choice to avoid him over this, the rest of my family became very angry that I would not be at the family gatherings with my children. Probably more so because it leaves the matter unresolved, something my family hates. They don't want to address any issues that create discomfort. They sure don't want this lingering around for discussion either, especially with my intuitive grandmother who will insist on knowing why I am not at Christmas dinner. Although, I am sure my mother will make up some casual lie about me taking the kids out of town or something. Apparently, she is good at lying.

My younger brother confronted me about not showing up and said I can't expect them not to invite my older brother. I told him I didn't expect that, but that he should respect the fact that I don't want my family around that pig. Somehow, the conversation quickly turned on me. He said it wasn't fair that my children would not have the benefit of the extended family on holidays and would miss out on the relationship with grandma, grandpa, aunts and uncles. That was when I realized there was no real relationship there to miss out on. My younger brother had opened a can of worms and didn't even know he was going fishing.

Mad and hurt, I chose to confront my mother about the feelings immediately, forgetting she really doesn't want to listen to them. I called her and told her that I still carried a lot of resentment from my past and all hell broke loose. As expected, she invalidated my feelings and minimized the truth about how I was treated as a child yet again. She denied any fault or wrong doing by telling me she did the best she could and refused to have a discussion about it.

Just like the hidden adoption and my brother's sex scandal, my mother refuses to address the reality of anything that might cause her to feel pain or require her to admit she was anything less than "the best mother" she could be. She will never understand how much the hidden truths have affected me. She refuses to speak openly about anything. Everything she does and says is completely superficial with no real feelings behind her words. Her callousness has created my deep-pitted resentment toward her.

I noticed after doing some research that many women in their late 30's and early 40's have decided to "dump" their mothers. I think because I am reaching 40, I am going through a similar feeling. You start to realize that relationships that have nothing to offer and can't be improved are just a waste of time. Whether it is a spouse, a mother, or a sibling, letting go can feel like a huge loss, when actually it is a huge relief. Sometimes I secretly wish she would of just given me up for adoption too. Seems like my adopted half brother is the only sibling I have with a ethical and stable family life.