My Mother, Me and Dementia Make Three

"Somebody said I have dementia." "What am I doing here?" I want to go home." I know mom but until the doctor says it is OK you have to be where you are getting help." What help do I need? They don't help me anyway." This at times becomes a daily conversation and then we could go for days that she does not ask to leave.

My mother went to the nursing home 2 years ago right after her 80th birthday. This was her decision but to her she thinks it was just last week she no longer has any concept of time. Five minutes is an hour to her. She calls me on her good days, and I say good days because she then remembers the phone numbers and how to use the phone. The phone was always our life line . Just to hear her voice I knew she was still part of my life. There were times I would be upset with all the calls and then when there was no calls I missed them.

Mom has a tendency to become paranoid and afraid . "Did you check the doors to make sure they are locked ?"
"They will lock the doors at 8pm ." Are you sure I think that we need to go check them" " They will not let us check them they will lock them ." I want my bedroom door locked." Well mom you have to leave that door unlocked so they can check on you " I don't want anyone minding my business." So nine pm I get a call, mom fell can you go to the ER and make sure that she is OK. How did she fall? Trying to block her door so no one can come in .

On a daily basis she is asking for her dead sister, she passed away about five years ago. She remembers her phone number and tries to call her " I can't get anyone on the phone today." You know I haven't talked to June in such a long time you think that she would call me " Mom June is no longer with us " What do you mean ?" She passed away and is in Heaven " Well isn't there someone at the house that could answer." No mom " But I would still like to talk to her ." Can you talk to her in your prayers.? " I guess I can."

My father passed away 39 years ago . "I miss your dad kissing me in the morning before he goes to work , you know that every morning he would do that ." Mom I am sure if he could he still would." I know"
"I think that I am going crazy. My mind is doing these crazy things . I don't like this dementia." Mom I don't like this either. But it is part of life like getting any disease and we love you no matter what. " I know you do but could you come to see me more.

I answer the phone and she says I have my grocery list. Then I have to tell her she does not have anyplace to keep food. " But how am I going to feed all these kids?" Mom you do not have to feed anyone they will all eat here." But I am expected to provide some kind of food for them." My mom was the type of mother who made the big meals, canned foods, baked and she cannot get that out of her mind.

I look at her dozing off in her chair and I think where is my mom ? I know she is in there somewhere . I want her back. I miss her so much. My mom and me we were a team her leading me through life and now me leading her through this dementia. My mom and me and dementia makes three. And three is just one to many .

I feel like I am just watching her fade away right in front of me and there is nothing I can do. One thing I know for sure is My Mom and Me we'll always be a team.