My Mother's Mother: Role Reversal with Elderly Parents

I always knew there'd be a time when Mom would not be able to stay alone. I just never thought it would come so soon.

In March of 2007 Mom fell at her home and broke her hip and wrist. At 81 years of age this was Moms first experience in a hospital, aside from the births of her three children. An untimely intrusion on her Independence but something we thought she'd rise from. After all, Dad passed away suddenly in 1990 and with all three of her children in different states Mom continued on with her daily life and managed her own affairs. This time was different. Mom spent 3 days in the hospital and 8 weeks in rehab. I was there the first two weeks and alternately with another sibling the rest of mom's stay.

It began to become clear that's Mom was, and had, lost a good deal of her courage while developing a good many fears. What once was a woman that had taken care of all aspects of her life was now a scared childlike shadow pleading for help. The stays with Mom during her recoup at her apt. became long and tiring. My family was becoming affected and my life had come to almost a complete halt. Decisions had to be made and Mom was brought home with me for as long as it took for her final recoup. The plan: To get Mom back on her feet, help her to regain her sense of independence resulting in bringing her back to her home. That old saying..."the best made plans.." held true.

We worked hard. Mom was beginning to walk without her walker and things seemed to be looking up. But...there was one issue at hand that had not been addressed. Mom had developed an dependency on me like no other. Being in the the same home but in a different room would cause Mom to become agitated. Professional help was sought out and we began some therapy. In July Mom made a conscious decision that she felt she could no longer retain her out of state apartment and wanted to live with me. My husband and I accepted her wish and we began all the processes needed for Mom to get the care and treatment while in our home. Our biggest concern was her dependency on me and receiving treatment for her in order for us to regain a much needed family life.

Once Mom began her therapy we also noticed she began to worsen. Her short term memory wasn't functioning at full speed, her medication was being altered by her new physicians and she was sun-downing. Mom was not sleeping, she was calling out in the night, she was pleading for help to end her misery and I lay in bed crying for lack of being able to accommodate all of her wishes. Mom wasn't sleeping..we were not sleeping and everything that we pictured to be so wonderful in the final years with a parent began to feel like torment and agony. Then it happened..Mom fell again while walking during the night. This time she sustained a fractured pelvis. Guilt overrode me. I was her caretaker. How did I allow this to happen? Another week in the hospital and four weeks in rehab. I couldn't accept the changes in Mom. Once again her medication was being altered and she was reverting to that childlike state. My mom was becoming...me.

We brought Mom home from rehab. in October. While she was in rehab. we had cleaned her apartment out and made a sitting room for her with all of her own belongings in it. A sense of home brought to Connecticut from New York. A hope that some comfort and some assurance of this being her home would help bring Mom back to us. We were directed to continue with Mom's mental health therapy but on a new level. Mom was to be evaluated and begin a 3 day a week group session program affiliated with a wonderful hospital and on board physician. She started the day after her evaluation. Again, her medication was changed. This is Mom's 3rd week in her new program and the change is tremendous.

There are many things Mom still can't do. Fill her medication boxes, fix her bed before retiring and take care of her own bathing. But..it's all ok. I have part of Mom back. I understand what has happened and I understand it can get worse. With all that comes with caring for an elderly parent, with all that needs to be done, changed, altered and sacrificed I am grateful. Not for Mom losing her independence, as she has gained some of her own here in our home,but for having the opportunity to share this part of my Mom's life with myself and my family and more importantly, as we sit down each evening for dinner or a quiet moment in her sitting room, I am most grateful for my Mom.