My Outlook on Life Through the Lens of Ulcerative Colitis

Suffering from inflammatory bowel disease may be one of the last things that one may wish for. I certainly would not have wished for it in the first place. However, considering all that I have learned, the direction that having ulcerative colitis has taken me, I cannot have regrets. I just cannot. It would serve me nothing at all to begrudge the past, to feel as if part of my "youthhood" was taken away from me. Sure, I struggled, and I did so at an early age, but thank goodness I did so then when I was young and buoyant and eager to learn, instead of when I'm 60, and could be in declining health and possibly ready to give up.

What I mean is, if I didn't learn what I did now, I wouldn't have the capacity to deal with such a thing later in life. I'm wiser, I don't trust all that is "fed" me, whether they be notions, food, etc. I've challenged much of what I've been taught, only to learn that it's the easy way, the common way. Possibly even the mislead way. No, I haven't become a cynical, cantankerous grouch. I've simply learned for myself. Really, having severe bowel problems has made me significantly more self-reliant. Let me describe myself prior to the onset of the condition: I was a bit spoiled, in a sense, not in the way that some kids are lavished with material goods, but I was overprotected and certainly quite ignorant. Everything was done for me, everything was set up for me: I just had to do my homework, which was an automatic thing. I was a chubby kid who loved sugar and all her mama's baked goods (I could easily eat three large fresh-out-of-the-oven blueberry muffins drenched with creamer and sugar and extra milk). I ate everything my parents told me to. I was a happy kid, but easily swayed by public opinion and was concerned with how others viewed me. I was easily hurt by comments on my weight, and grew to be overly sensitive. Perhaps this sensitivity to external events manifested itself later on as an over-sensitivity of the gut. Very likely. So anyway, the second part involves my fairly long battle with stomach aches, chronic diarrhea, anxiety, intestinal pain, and all the while, I never suspected the mental component playing into all this. However, over time, I made correlations between my emotions, and my stomach. Quite a big link, really. And I started teaching myself not to take others' comments so personally. Over time I developed a devil may care attitude which eventually tapered to a calm feeling of contentment regardless of how others treat me. Believe me, it's so difficult, and seems nearly impossible given how highly social we human beings are. But I'm making some progress, and it's quite liberating. My internal state does not have to be affected by external conditions. And that's my adopted worldview for now.