My Pain is the Result of My Joy

And...I don't want my grief to taint his forever story in my life.

I was so scared of losing him, even before he became sick, before he was diagnosed with AML, before he was given weeks to months to live.

It frightened me a bit to love someone that much, to love someone to the degree that you know for certain that if you ever lose them your very soul will be ripped to shreds, your very heart silenced, seemingly most likely unable to continue beating.

I have only loved a few people in my life like this, I no doubt that most never will experience that kind of love at all, I know that I am blessed...my pain truly is the result of my joy. It's the reason I cherish my agonizing brokeness now of my grief.

I am not angry anymore.

I can't honor my Dad and be angry at the same time. They don't go together, I can't make them fit. There's "still" too much love present for there to be room for hateful thoughts, for negative energy...

And I miss him and I do cry out yet, but I am so thankful too and I know that he didn't just say it now...so often...just to make us feel better, he meant it, he knew it, he's proving it now...

"You will never lose me. I will always be in your heart."

And he is...and I am blessed..."still"...

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink