My Pal Merlin

Dear Mama;

The hu-man beans here at this summer camp that you sent me to tell me it would be a nice thing if I wrote and let you now how much fun I am having. First of all, the lady is very nice, she pats me on the head and scratches my little belly, and holds me in her arms real gentle like; unfortunately, the round bald headed man is different. The first thing he did was insist that I get a bath so he tossed me in this really strange bath tub. But, I was lucky. The nice lady showed up in time to snatch me up before the big old fool had time to flush the bath tub with me in it.

Mama ....everything is so strange here. They have this cat named Dork who is one of those drama queens. She curses and spits and talks bad when I go by her, but the nice lady told me not to concern myself, that Dork only does that because I am so much prettier than her. Another cat they have is named Pebbles She is almost as pretty as me and doesn't worry too much about anything. She knows the nice lady won't let anything bad happen; beside that, she can climb up and hide in the crawl space between the kitchen cabinets and the ceiling where even the bald one with the broom can't get her no matter how much he jumps up and down or how hard he tries...
They also have an outside cat named Cujou who showed up. Every one in the house is afraid of him...even the round man. Cujou just sits on the back deck and looks in through the glass doors watching everybody and waiting for some one to toss a hunk of alligator meat into his food bowl.

The two dogs they have belong to their daughter who is with child and goes around barfing all the time. One dog named Sparky is part pit bull, older and very temperamental. She has a bad attitude to go with her bad arthritis and says bad things. The other animal is a dog named Merlin, who is part German Shepard, part Collie, part Airedale, and maybe part Chihuahua. Most of all, Merlin is all mouth. He isn't pretty like me.
Daddy told me about big old dogs like Merlin who are "randy". Merlin is one of them. He wants to take me over to his girl friends house. It turns out that Merlin's girl friend has a little sister who fools around too.
At dinner time the nice lady feeds me hu-man food, delicious little tidbits off of the dinner table, things like a bite of grilled steak or chicken accompanied by a sautéed and very delicate wine and mushroom sauce. Sometimes Pebbles and I get a little left over crab bisque, and we almost always get a bowl of warm milk just before bedtime. Mama, it is so good. But when the lady isn't around, all I get from the man are left over meatballs that are mixed up with too much hamburger helper and smell too much like oregano, garlic, and basil.

At bedtime I always climb up on the nice lady's side of the bed and burp and belch and lay there while the nice lady scratches my butt and pats me on the head until I go to sleep. The bum on the other side of the bed always has at least two pillows but he won't share. All he wants to do is give me a hair cut and a trim so he will know which end of me to kick; I think that he would also like to smoke what gets cliped off.

Mama. Can I come back here next year? It turns out that pop might have told me everything about he knows about sex, but he either didn't know that much or left some stuff out...... and besides my new friend Merlin tells me fooling around isn't fun until folks get everything closer to right.
I love you mama, but I have to go now. My new friend, Merlin is in a hurry, but don't you go off now and worry about me and Merlin. When we get this thing closer to right, just think about how much more fun he and I are going to have in the future.

Lots of love..... Jr.