My Perception of Our Inevitable Sense of Insecurity

In all of the growing up I've been doing the past 19 years, I've seen numerous arguments between loved ones. My father and my mom, my aunt and my mother, my brother and I. But, none of them were serious enough to undoubtedly end a relationship.

So why is that everytime I argue, somewhere deep down I feel like it is one more tooth being pulled and I will eventually end up with dentures,a harsh bill of reality and, left alone to sulk in solitude? There are moments that I feel like I have everything other women dream about. I have hit lifes socio-created highpoints in such a catacalismic amount of time that I should be put into the Guiness Book of World Records. Yet, I still feel undoubtedly insecure about myself. Why do I feel scrutinized?

Why is it that we only feel secure when we have everything together? Wouldn't the right time to feel secure be when everything is falling apart? And for that matter when one thing does fall apart is that always our excuse for a complete downward spiral? A question that goes unanswered.

Are relationships the undeniable necessity of security? Or are we always looking for security inwardly? I can't help but look at all of the girls plastered over the internet half naked and "single to mingle". To me that is insecurity but, their words seem secure enough, don't they? They are secure with themselves yet parade around in insecurity. Denial? I don't know but as a wife, mother, aunt, sister, & daughter I still find myself insecure in my own skin. My own ideas and my own thoughts run in fear of judgement.

Somehow I thought that motherhood and marriage would make me stronger, yet I am still just as shy and introverted as I was when I met this fate. Maybe it was everyone telling me how things would change or, maybe i'm just looking for it- kind of like waiting for your high. Maybe if I relaxed I would find it with more grace and ease , just letting it come to me. I don't think that is completely it though. Infact, I actually think that motherhood and marriage has made me even more shy and introverted. Why?

Insecurity X Scrutiny.

Somehow, I doubt that the girls over the internet are secure, I don't think parading around in a pool of self taught arrogance makes you secure with yourself. But, I don't know where security hides itself either. I am on the constant hunt, going deeper into the rabbit hole. I don't know if we find security through our companions, friends, family, or ourselves. I don't know when we find it either- whether our 30th birthday, or our first career job. I don't know when that feeling of not having to strive for something more comes over us. Is that when we stop living? Do we stop striving when we've met happiness or visa versa? I don't know these things but is that we what we all want? That security to be able to speak up and not have to write it down for a sense of catharsis? More questions unanswered.

I think the scrutiny of the past certainly plays on our future. Yet, how do some people find enough strength to take that scrutiny and make it a positive attribute? More questions unanswered.

These are the questions I can't answer- but it is what I strive for. I don't know if we can ever look back and say that's it, I have nothing more to work for- I have nothing to work on. But, I feel a sense of nirvana everytime I accomplish something that I have set out to do, what if we simply ran out of things to strive for?

What was it all for?