My Personal Experiences with Anxiety and Depression

I've been dealing with anxiety and depression my whole life.

Head Injury

I was three years old when I got hit by a car. This gave me a head injury; because of this, the anxiety and depression was worse than it would be for somebody that didn't have a head injury.
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Anxiety And Depression

When somebody has a head injury, one of the effects of this is, problems with depression. I had problems with anxiety and depression early on. I was afraid of loud noises from the earliest times that I can remember.

Hippy Generation

I was born in 1970, which means that I grew up in the 70's, the hippy generation. I was scared of the hippies because they drove loud cars. They drove them around town, raising a ruckus wherever they went. They also got drunk a lot.

Scared

I was so scared of the hippies that the anxiety that I would feel from just the anticipation of seeing them drive by in one of their loud cars would cause me to run and hide. I was in total fear of the loud cars that; even when I was inside and I heard the loud cars outside, I would run and hide. I thought that the hippies would stop and do terrible things to me. I remember one time there was a bunch of them getting drunk underneath a tree in my front yard.

Fear

I know that I had no logical explanation for this fear but, regardless; the fear was still there. This anxiety over loud cars and the hippies affected every aspect of my life. If I was outside with my mom or dad and I heard a loud car coming, I would either grab my mom or dad's leg as hard as I could until the car drove by or I would run and hide. It didn't matter where I was; the anxiety was so bad that it would cause my heart to beat faster and I would experience shortness of breath until the car was gone. This fear of loud cars continued until I was fourteen years old.

Shy

Growing up, I was also extremely shy. I had a hard time making friends. When I had to meet a new person, my heart would pound like crazy that I thought I was going to come out of my skin. Because I had anxiety about making friends, I spent a lot of time alone; which made the depression worse. I was the type of person that if you wanted me to do something that I didn't want to do, there was no way that I was going to do it. That was how I felt about getting counseling for my depression when I was younger.

Counseling

My parents tried to get me into counseling with a psychiatrist for treatment of my depression but, then the counselor wanted to put me on some medication to help with my depression which I refused to take because I didn't want to be on drugs of any kind. As a result, my anxiety and depression just got worse.

School

I was picked on a lot in school because I had coordination problems, which are some of the affects of the head injury. The physical education class in school was something that I dreaded because some of the exercises I just couldn't do appropriately because of the coordination problems.

Avoid People

As a result of this I got made fun of by the other kids. This made me want to run and hide. I tried to avoid people as much as possible when I was in school because all they really wanted to do was make fun of me.

Bullies In School

I also had problems with bullies in school. Today, I can see that bullies are just people with low self esteem.

Middle School

I remember one time in middle school that a kid threatened to kick my ass if I didn't go smoke pot with him. I avoided this person and never did smoke pot with them. Every time I saw them though I felt anxiety; my heart would start to pound in my chest and my palms would get sweaty. They were obviously a person that had a lot of behavior problems and other issues

Anxiety And School

There were times when I was filled with so much anxiety over what was going on at school that I refused to go. I faked being sick so much to avoid going to school so that I didn't have to put up with the bullies.

Teachers And Students

Because of my experiences with the teachers and the students, I saw no need to go to school. For me, conditions at school wear unbearable. I began to see that if the teachers got mad at one student for doing something, that they then became mad at everybody for doing the smallest little thing. My ability to concentrate at school diminished because of my anxiety and depression, my grades suffered as a result.

Constantly Thought About Suicide

After tenth grade, I had reached a point when it was so bad that I refused to go to school anymore. My depression was so bad that I had a hard time getting out of bed. The anxiety of school looming in the distance made me hate life so much that I constantly thought about suicide.

Razor Blade

It was at this point, when I took a razor blade and ran it lightly across my wrist; just enough so a little bit of blood would come out. This scared me and I never did it again.

The Anxiety And Depression Continue Through More Schooling

I continued to have bouts of anxiety and depression as I continued to go to school. I never did go back to the regular high school, after the tenth-grade; I went to a night school instead.

On To College

After I graduated from high school, I went to college because I didn't know what the heck I wanted to do with my life. In the beginning of college, I took classes that I thought I would be interested in. I found out that I was good at creative writing through taking writing classes. I also found out that I sucked at technical writing because it just bored me to tears.

Year After Year

For me, the college experience took longer than expected. I continued to battle anxiety and depression on a regular basis; year after year. Through a lot of soul searching and talking to guidance counselors I finally figured out how to get my degree, graduate, and get the heck out of there. I finally graduated with a two year Associates Degree, after four years of working my ass off at a community college.

Off To Work

After college, I worked a series of retail jobs. My behavior at these jobs was up and down all the time because my depression and anxiety were not under control. I always wanted to move up in these jobs and take on greater amounts of responsibility to earn more money. It never worked out for me though, because something would always happen that would set me off going on a suicide rampage in my head. I would imagine all kinds of different ways to kill myself but I never had the balls to follow through with any of them.

Coping Skill

Thinking about suicide all the time, isn't a good coping skill. It was when I was working at one of my jobs that I looked around one day and realized that I needed to get a hold on things and learn how to handle my emotions better. I had to get my depression and anxiety under control.

The Psychiatrist

I finally had made a decision to seek out the help of a psychiatrist to help me manage my anxiety and depression. I went through months of therapy sessions. I got put on different kinds of medication.

Being Stoned All The Time

The doctor that I was seeing put me on Valium and some other drug. I don't remember what it was. The medication did help to clear my thinking a bit and yet, every time a member of my family would talk to me; they thought that I was stoned because of the effects that the medication had on me.

The Job

At the time, I was working in a drugstore as their Shipping And Receiving Clerk. I was also a Cashier for them as well. My boss was an old guy near retirement age. Because of the head injury I was slow at everything but I made sure that I did a thorough job on everything. Somehow, I managed to keep my depression and anxiety under control for a few years.

The Girl

I still remember the day this girl came in to the store to ask for an application. I was working in the camera department when she did. She asked me for an application; so I gave her one. When she looked at me, she had a little twinkle in her eye as she smiled and walked away.

To My Surprise

Imagine my surprise, when a few days later; I found this girl working in our store. One day, not long after she started working, she asked me to go to lunch with her. I instantly fell in love with this girl and we continued our little romance at work. Then, one night she came over to my place and we made love. The next day at work, she continued to tease me with romance and blowing kisses my way. I was in love.

The Truth Comes Out

Eventually I found out that this girl was living with another guy. At first I didn't think much of it until I found out that they were involved with each other. This devastated me. I got so depressed and I continued to let the girl use me. Eventually I got sick of this though, because I wanted to have a relationship with this girl. It turned out that the girl didn't want to leave the guy that she was with. She told me that she was just using me for sex and that we could never have a relationship together but, we'd always be friends.

Roller Coaster Ride

What a crock of sh*t. When a girl tells you that you'll always be friends, walk cautiously and keep your emotions in check. Over the next few weeks, I was in for the emotional roller coaster ride of my life.

New Bosses

I had gotten new bosses at work because my old one retired.

More Organized

The new bosses were these young guys who did things differently, of course. They were much more organized and were all about speed and getting things done quickly. This only added to my anxiety and, I was kind of happy because it seemed like some things were getting done that hadn't before.

Work Faster

My old boss had been kind of a packrat and wasn't willing to throw old things out. These new guys came in and really cleaned things up. I was kind of excited at first but, they expected me to work faster than I was able to.

Memory Problem

I didn't realize how bad my memory problem was until they started to tell me to do things that I would have to remember. This only caused me more anxiety because I knew I wasn't going to be able to remember these things because of all the other work I had to do.

Suicide

As a result I got more depressed and thought about suicide a lot. I also started drinking alcohol. The situation at work continued to deteriorate. I always tried to keep the vibe at work light by always being able to joke around with the managers a little bit.

Nicknames

The new managers started to make up these nicknames for me that I hated. I told them that I hated the nicknames but, I continued to try to joke around with them to keep the positive vibe going but I reached my limit one day when the customers started to call me by the nicknames that the managers were calling me.

The Last Straw

That was the last straw for me and that was the day that we had a big company meeting. I had grown to distrust the new management because, to me; it seemed like they would say one thing and do another.

After The Meeting

After the company meeting ended; I walked down to my boss's office and gave him my key to the back door and quit.