My Reign as NCAA President

Sitting on the throne of college athletics, I realize three things. First, we seriously need to move headquarters out of Indiana. Second, Myles Brand sure leaves a rancid stench of cowardice behind. And lastly, I have a lot of work to do.

Football season is approaching, and let's be honest, it's the cash cow of college athletics, so I will focus my attention on righting all of its wrongs. But, first, I must issue a warning. If you're looking for a playoff proposal in this article, you may as well stop reading. If I have learned one thing from my short time as NCAA President, it's this- you're not supposed to do anything that makes sense!

So, with the playoff issue shelved, here are the changes I would make:

1. The uniform madness must end! Every time Oregon takes the field in 2007, they will be assessed a 15-yard penalty for disgusting uniforms. I would allow them if they were called the Oregon John Deere Dealers, but last time I checked, they were just the plain old Ducks. Other teams on the uniform watch list include: Clemson's all-purple outfits, Boston College's painfully generic duds, or any team with Nike's ill-conceived one-sleeve look. Come on guys, take a page from the classic looks of an Alabama or a Texas.

2. The Big East love fest must end! Fines will be levied to anyone who perpetuates the notion that the Big East is a respectable conference. Wonder why West Virginia and Louisville have such great records every year? Check out their conference- it'd make even Kevin White blush. So, why do the Mountaineers and Cardinals get national respect? Because West Virginia beat a complacent Georgia team in the Sugar Bowl 2 years ago. That's it. Nobody in the Big East plays anyone of note in their out-of-conference schedules, so expect some more 10-win seasons from these BCS also-rans.

3. The SEC must leave the south! Last year, Vanderbilt (at Michigan) was the only team in the SEC who left their geographic region. Auburn played one game outside of Alabama or Mississippi. And LSU, well, let me put it this way- Why do they wear white uniforms at home? Because they're never away! Nothing makes my skin crawl like the general assumption that every year, the SEC is the toughest conference. How would we know? They never play anybody outside of it!

4. Everybody must stop playing Notre Dame! They don't want to play by the same rules as everyone else? Fine, then the BCS conferences should stop catering to Notre Dame by putting them on their schedules. Sure, they'll go 12-0 every year and play in a BCS bowl, but with a schedule resembling that of the Big East's, it's unlikely the computers would ever slot them into a national championship game.

4A. If you play all 3 service academies, you must serve one year in the military. This is an extension of Rule #4. Basically, it allows me to giggle as I picture Charlie Weis trying to crawl under the wires at Basic Training. Or scale a wall. Or fit into his fatigues...

5. You must know your penalties or else! Ejection seats will be installed in stadiums around the country. So, if you're that annoying fan who yells, "Holding!" on every play, beware. The only thing you'll be holding onto is your hat as you're flying out of the stadium!

6. You must defend your mascot or else! What makes college football great is the unique traditions of its major institutions. There's no bland uniformity of the NFL. So, why do we have so many teams with the same nicknames? Well, on my watch, that will change. I will stage a Tiger Tournament and a Bulldog Tournament, where only the winner can hold the nickname "tigers" or "bulldogs." Wait a second, they already play those games- it's called the SEC! Come on guys, a creative name here and there wouldn't hurt, would it?!

7. The Big&Rich Restraining Order. In my last act for today, I'll give college football fans everywhere a gift for the ages. Simply put, Big&Rich will not be allowed within 3 countries (yes, countries) of anywhere a game is being played. If ESPN so much as plays one note of their ultra-annoying song, all their college football broadcasting rights will be forfeited.

And with that, the only thing "comin to your cit-ay" will be a better brand of college football!