My Return to St. Jude Children's Research Hospital for the St. Jude for Life Study

I cannot believe I am sitting in the Memphis Grizzlies house on the grounds of St. Jude Children's Research Hospital. It was just eight and one half years ago that I was a patient here. Between 1986 and 2002, I saw the hospital grow but since 2002 it has expanded beyond what I expected. Walking these grounds feels like being in a small city.

Almost everything has changed. The cafeteria, one place mostly left alone in the years I was a patient is unrecognizable. It is called Kay Café now. The walls of the cafeteria are painted in ice cream cone scoops-pretty smart thinking since children undergoing cancer treatment typically do not want to eat. Everything seems brighter and child friendly. I was flabbergasted to see many walls with pandas in the cafeteria. I have a panda bear tattoo because pandas are cute but fierce-the way I wanted to be and the way childhood cancer survivors have to be.

The hospital is less bland. Every wall is filled with art work from patients, patient stories, something. One young man wrote about his experiences with cancer. He was fighting his fourth cancer diagnosis when he wrote it. Reading his story made me cry and feel ashamed. I am almost 34 years old and have had cancer three times. He was 17 and had me beat with four diagnoses.

Today a social worker asked about my early St. Jude memories. Many years ago there were two lobbies in St. Jude. One of these lobbies allowed smoking. The smoker's lobby contained a model of what the hospital was expected to look like in 2000 something. The model was complete several years before my 1992 relapse and I remember thinking how old I would be when the hospital looked like that. Now, here I am and it has looked that way for a while.

As I have walked the grounds looking at how much growth has taken place here since 2002 it is obvious time has moved on. When someone is diagnosed with cancer, there is a tendency to focus solely on survival. I know the hospital realizes this phenomenon and it is why St. Jude for Life is underway. In focusing on surviving, I think a lot of us miss thriving. This study is meant to help future survivors thrive.

I carried my blue bag today given to the St. Jude for Life study participants. The bag is heavy as it contains a file folder on my history and various other things. Mid day I took a break and came back to the Grizzlies house thinking of leaving it behind for my afternoon appointments. I opted out of it. I carried that bag all over the hospital. The people who work here know what it stands for and perhaps some patients do as well. Cancer isn't always the end.

The study provides a chance to say goodbye. To thrive means to move forward. I had such fear walking through those hospital doors yesterday, seeing the statue that used to prompt me to say a silent prayer the cancer was gone. Last night I was in tears because I couldn't call my mom to tell her about my experiences. She was such a bear for my being examined and was a primary reason the relapse was caught in time. I wish she could see the changes. I wish she could know I finally get what she was trying to tell me for so long-I need to really live.

Walking back to the Grizzlies house today I thought about my mom. I wondered about my health and if I could gather the courage to be as much of a bear for my children's health as she was mine then take care of me as well.

I looked up and saw the sign in this photograph. It may be unclear in the photo but it says, "Still on the right track." It is a bear paw meant to direct the reader to the Memphis Grizzlies House but it meant a lot more to me. I'm on the right track. I can do this. I can be a bear for my family's healthcare and thrive while doing it.