My Road to Christian Gnosticism

My life, as anyone else's, has been filled with its own ups and downs. How I discovered Christian Gnosticism is amazing in the sense that I had to experience life's turbulent times while I was older as I lost things I held near and dear while I was younger. I did change because of that. I am always changing my views on religion and God, and therefore, my religious interest has changed.

However, I would like to point out that I do believe in destiny and fate and that certain things are pre-ordained to be. However, these pre-ordained scenarios and situations I have encountered in my life are destined to happen however, how I react and behave is of my own free will.

Therefore, I present this article to you in order that you understand that this article was written at a time of my life filled with transitions and changes, this article is also written describing not my whole life but the religious part of my life and the various situation that have intermingled with my religious life leading up to the present day.

1.
The Early Years (6 to 12 Years)

For as long as I could remember my first experience with religion was religious education. These years were filled with curiosity and a bit of confusion and dismay for religious education. I remember being interested in God, Christ and the sacraments and what they all really mean. I was filled with confusion because; my religious education instructors gave me textbook type responses to my curiosities. Like any child going somewhere; where they do not want to go I was filled with a bit of dismay for religion because, at the time I did not want to go somewhere; where they would give me homework and work to do to learn about what Christianity is about. My parents at this time of my life spent there time going to church every Sunday morning. Almost the same feelings arose as my feelings for my religious education. I felt disinterest, yet curious and confused. I felt again disinterest in waking up early to go somewhere and getting dressed properly for it; as I did not want to go to church.

I remember when I took part in prayers and sacraments I always felt like a little voice in side me saying "Why am I really doing this?" At the time I was more like an introverted inquisitive type of person. I asked why to myself but not on the outside especially with manners like religion because, I felt like I would get a "Textbook type response" anyway. I realize that this voice was my voice of curiosity. Confusion arose out of questions I had about religion that where only given the textbook response. Confusing things like praise and worship to God, eating and drinking of the Blood and Body of Christ, praying to God when I wanted something. These confusions were poorly answered by any grown up I asked. They would often tell me "God works in strange ways..." I was left with vagueness about anything with regards to Religion and God and was left with these poor responses from anyone I asked. Could it be that perhaps they did not know and just accepted what they were told? Looking back on it now, that is the way society seems to be.

Every time when I took part in the ceremony of Communion and Reconciliation for the first time all I would get is a party and money for me from family members. So I felt like any child would and thought that religion existed for me to learn about a textbook version of religion and never really get anything out of it except material gain. So that's the only reason why I took part in religion even, confirmation was the same story. During this time I personally was na�ve and yet really did not know much except for what others told me. I was na�ve in the sense that I felt that the world told me what I wanted to know. If I asked why things happen, all anyone would do is show me how but I never got hands-on-approach to it. In fact, with every grown up around me it was "watch but, do not touch!" Because, of this I accepted what people told me even if it was a lie, I just never knew.

2.
Post-Confirmation (13 to 14)

After confirmation my interest where waning to say the least, with manners with religion. I had no way of knowing about anything without needing to ask someone. I felt detached from my own "religion." It was the beginning of what I called the "Christian Agnosticism," I behaved in a good manner without really knowing why I should, and just was so innocent that I would be any parents "wet-dream" when you look at the age I was in. When I write about "Christian Agnosticism" my explanation for such a definition is of my own experience. My explanation for "Christian Agnosticism" is that I believed in Christ teachings but as for praying and going to church I did not do that and was unsure about God. In fact it was at this point in my life when my parents stopped going to church as they were busy with other things.

At this time all I did was go to church during Christmas even so I felt like it was kind of pointless. In this time I did not "feel God's presence" it felt very mechanical and dead like a system of doing things without giving it much conscience thought about what I am doing, if you will. I felt that God existed but just was not "getting through." It was because, of my Christian agnosticism I behaved in a good behavior without much awareness of why, however, during this time I had feelings and doubts often saying to myself "why do I bother doing this or acting in the manner I do?"

I often regretted not acting in strong enough manner when people gave me a hard time in middle school and part of High School because, I felt that I would be punished not just by people like my parents but God who I was unsure of even existed, it was because, of these actions of mine my image made me look like a very submissive and puny. I was so innocent, overly sensitive and na�ve in those years. As I look back on it I realize that everything has a purpose and reason for my suffering.

I had few friends and little connection to the outside world such an example would be the internet so I was largely unaware of the vast vices that exist in the world. I knew that pornography was pornography but I never experienced "seeing it" while I hear kids in 7th grade but especially to 8th grade talking about it often but I was still largely unaware of the experience of what it really meant. I was also overly sensitive as I had taken what people said word for word. If someone made a joke to me or was lying to me I would believe the lie or take the joke very personally. This stemmed from my earlier childhood when I was given textbook like responses so therefore I felt like what people said can be taken at face value. This and my na�ve nature where I was largely unaware even of my own responses and reactions to changes in my environment. I wanted it to end I wanted to have friends and be an "individual" who was able to control the outcomes of whatever happens in my life. I wanted to be aware of everything out there and I want to change but never had the large motivation to put time and energy into that change. Until late 9th grade and early in10th grade that was a year I will never forget.

3.
Troublesome Years (14.5 to 15)

My Grandfather (April '04)

It was February 2004 my grandparents went on to a cruise to the Caribbean. I heard that my grandfather was sick. He got so sick by the time he returned home he was in a wheel chair. When he got home it was early March. He put himself in the hospital and by the time he was checked in the hospital he was weak and sick. When he got in the hospital it was late March. I found out not to soon latter he had Stage IV Cancer he was not going to live. Three weeks latter he died and it was the beginning of the end of "my childhood" for me even though at this time I was almost done 9th grade. I remember feeling sad, angry and distressed.

I felt all three emotions hit me at once after hearing that my grandfather died. I was mad that God was punishing me yet; I knew my grandfather did not take care of himself and I knew he had a brush with death some few years back with a Stroke. It was the beginning of the end of the "old days." The wake and funeral went by rather quick however; the pains of burying the past lasted a bit longer. I had a small family with regards to my dad's side of the family so it was a small wake and funeral.

During this time I was left disillusioned about the world for the first time and I was beginning to see that life was not perfect in every way and form. Rather it was imperfect and felt God was not here with me in life but that I was being punished. A good example would be that God did not answer my prayers. This left anger and hatred even more. I felt that God, after a long time of not praying still did not here my prayers when I tried it when my grandfather was in the hospital praying that he would live and recover.

My Other Grandfather (October 2004)

It was the beginning of 10th grade I had only been in school for a month and my dad was away on a business trip. So my mother asked if my grandfather could drive me to school. It was a day I would never forget. I was in school the same day he dropped me off and latter in the day my class is called and the teacher told me to go down to the main office. I answered the phone and my mother said my grandfather had a stroke and was crying tremendously (after all it was her father).

I recall the past coming back to haunt me and my legs felt weak. For the second time in the year only from six months ago I was faced with the prospect of losing someone near and dear to me. I felt sick and angry. I was rushed home by a jeep owned by the school district and when I got home I saw my mom crying saying that they took him to the hospital on that day he went into comma. My family and I went to the hospital where half of the waiting room was filled with my family. My grandfather was being given "Last Rites" a catholic ceremony by the priest who knew my grandmother very well gave it to him, it is given if the condition of the person looks grim. For three weeks I visited my grandfather in the hospital and it was a roller coaster of "maybe he will or maybe he won't." By the end of the third week he looked in good condition but had pneumonia than he "coded" (hospital lingo for heart attack) and was declared brain dead. Towards the end of the he died by side of a loved one.

When I got home my mother told me and felt so much anger and sadness. The wake and funeral even though also went fast went by very slowly. This time around it was my mom's side of the family which is much larger. I remember my grandmother telling me that the last thing he did was with me when he drove me to school while my dad was away. I was left with a "choke throat" and deep reflection of my life of what it used to be and what it is and what it will become. By this time I felt God was practically non-existent and was just a con by man to "pray for the ill" it was some big sick joke designed by "God" or powerful man. By this time I gave up on prayers for those who I knew where sick and dying. However, all was about to change it was that actualization of the fear of a broken heart that brought that change.

The Time of Change (The rest of 10th grade)

After both my grandfathers deaths I felt like the only person who could help me would be by myself. I was very disillusioned by the world and angry at the world at how it kept me so na�ve, innocent and over sheltered from the truths in the world.

With the death of my grandfathers the old days were passing away and a new day was rising. The old days were filled with na�ve innocence that I "blissfully" went along with. I thought my life was perfect and things I experienced where perfect in my childhood that I did the right thing all the time. While today and shortly after my grandfathers deaths I realized it was imperfect perhaps so imperfect that even the imperfect thought they were better than me, this is how ignorant I was. My entire extended family had problems. Inside the household things were not that different either. As I got older I realize that the powers that be wanted me to be ignorant and naive of things I should have been aware of.

Tired of being na�ve I worked on deconstruction of my own mind piece by piece. To learn things that others never taught me and decided to learn it on my own. I corrupted myself and lied to myself and others in this process. I acted like something I was not and pretended to be like part of a group. This was only to get new friends and change myself, anything to get away from my old self. I got myself new friends and a few people who hated me which is something I never had before. I did not know how to react to the hostility from these people. I knew one thing and thought I had better learn how to react. Eventually from this transition of the old life to the new life I made people who once liked me, hate me. I had people who once picked on me, become friends with me and people who did not know me become friends also. I also broke down the super sensitivity and replaced it with a humorous stance and blew off more of the jokes made on me. I was becoming more aware of the vices of the world and was indeed controlling the outcomes of my life as everything was working out pretty good for once.

With all these new situations I decided to look back into the old days and seek religion I was naturally interested in the spiritual world to not ignore it so my interest in the spiritual side of life saved me from the complete letting go of religion. However, I still labeled myself more of a Christian and less agnostic.

4.
Revival of Spirituality (Years: 16 to 18)

It was in this part of my life were everything was improving. I was in junior year of High School and I had three very good friendships developing. They did not really have a religious stance at all so I figured a neutral group of friends. With my growing belief in a potential for there to be a God I figured to talk to them more as I would balance them out. With this group of friends I had a great time it was the best of times, there was plenty of humor and many new acquaintance some latter turning into friendships. I felt like I had hit the peak of my life especially compared to my earlier childhood. Life was good I thought I had everything I ever wanted. Than the peak kind of leveled out and declined but this time it was becoming more normal and everyday for the "great times" and therefore lost there excitement and with that the "high" of life. My life was not so much decline just leveling out. If my life declined it would need to be just as worst or worst than my earlier childhood. Through my continuing interest with spirituality combined with the excitement of life I was able to learn much about life. Many of these lessons had been learned by experience with my friends especially with working with one of them.

It was January 2007 that I turned back to Christ as my spirituality interested led me right back to Christ. So I naturally called myself Christian and I believe that nothing should be taken however, at face value as my own life experiences has shown me. So I shifted my interested from spirituality to religion with spirituality. As I tried to learn about and work with Christ and God my life was becoming like a roller coaster and realized that the lessons and things to know are in the experience and the more symbolic meaning of what religious text mean.

It was not until March of 2007 were my interest in philosophy also took place and trying express my views on life's big questions. The things I was once so introverted in asking became more extroverted I talked about it with friends who had the same questions and interests. I made a prayer to God to let me understand The Bible. I prayed and said I want to get closer to God and Christ and be with them. I made this prayer because, to me The Bible has been so misunderstood for quite sometime. It was the most sincere prayer I could ever make. The prayer was answered by God and a moment of divine insight flashed upon me while I was beginning to read The Bible I thought that I should read The Bible not from a literalist close-minded perspective but rather, from an open to possibilities and symbolic viewpoint. I read through the Wisdom Books of The Old Testament and Genesis. I then proceeded to read the whole New Testament portion of The Bible.

I was interested in defending the Christian position on what it means to be Christian and to know that God exist by proving it to atheist and through the debating prove it to myself that I had faith in God. "I found the God within" they said to me in my various arguments which I found ironic because, they are not supposed to believe in God. All my research that I spent into answering these questions led me slowly but surely to Christian Gnosticism. It was at that time in June 2007 when everything came full circle and yet everything was beginning to change. My interest in philosophy, religion and spirituality came to a crossroads and my discovery was made for I had found the esoteric realm in Christianity that is Christian Gnosticism in the Summer of 2007.

5.
Presently

Presently I am writing about my article describing and opening myself up and hopefully enlightening people when they read my articles. I am writing this article as it was three years ago around this time when I decided to change my life and put an end to old things and move on and live for today instead of yesterday or tomorrow. My writing's are written as a progressive writer talking about what is currently happening in my life and sharing my thoughts and feelings with discoveries I made in my life and the experiences in them. Since my article's are religious, philosophical or spiritual in nature they should be reflected upon with great care and should not be taken too literally but, rather with an opened-mind. Currently I posses a small library of books which have subjects ranging from spirituality, Kabbalah, Gnosticism, Christianity, Spirituality and Self-Help. However, the self-help section is relatively small. Currently I have 27 books. These books are amazing reads and are great to have if you are interested in further knowing and understanding the esoteric and spiritual lives. If you are interested please do not hesitate to ask for a recommendation send a private message if you want to know my books I have read.
My interests lay in spirituality and religion. I seek to help people or at least get people thinking about more than what is in the world. I seek to help people who need help but I also seek to further understand religion and using that to help people in there lives. I have disinterest in those who warp the minds of the masses by making God into there own vision. My life like most peoples lives is filled with things that are cherished and things that I would rather get rid of. However, the things I get rid of I transform into things I might need.

The future is unclear; with a newfound interest in Christianity and life I may pursue education in religion or perhaps in helping people through life who are going through there own hard times. I know one thing however; religion has a lot more personal meaning to me than what other people say religion is meant for. The future is bright with a realistic optimism and no person will tell me otherwise how to live but me.
Looking back on everything I have written here, I realize it is through the realization of a broken heart that in an instant can change ones life forever, even though faced with large amount of despair in the moment the greatest things can happen in your life. I know now what Jesus meant when he said "Blessed are those who mourn for THEY WILL BE comforted." Looking back on it also, it is amazing what the power of a simple prayer could be and how it can lead to so much discovery and enlightenment. You see, I was praying that my fears would not be realized but God knew and as I truly knew within myself that for great things to happen in anyone's life you need to have something truly life changing to come about. Do not fight against yourself as sometimes the things you are fighting against can be a blessing in disguise, instead transform yourself through these truly life changing events and that is where the prayer lies.