My Roller Coaster Ride with Battered Woman's Syndrome

Lenore Walker, a Denver psychologist and the nations foremost authority on domestic violence says that, "It is essential that we learn to recognize Battered Woman's Syndrome for what it is: a terrified human being's normal response to an abnormal and dangerous situation."

Some of the symptoms are anxiety, hyper-vigilant, minimizes the abuse, has altered perceptions of what alternatives she has, feelings that she can't terminate the relationship without being further abused.

The American Psychiatric Association has not identified this disorder as a mental illness but some authorities agree that it is a form of post-traumatic stress disorder, an accepted mental sickness that is developed after a traumatic happening.

It is felt that the battered woman's fear has a "geometric progression" to it. Every time she's abused she is not only responding to the current incident but in her mind she's reacting to the former abuse also.

The holistic approach to solving this syndrome should be to not only treat the broken bones, ulcers, stress, nerves, obesity, anorexia but also get this person into a self-help program, therapy, and work on their self-esteem.

It is believed that there are many, many women walking around out there that have been or are being battered and abused right now and don't even know it.

In the following pages I will attempt to tell my personal story.....

My ex-husband is an alcoholic. He was verbally and physically abusive. Does my life with him fall under the classification of "Battered Women's Syndrome?"

As I sit here watching the special on '48 Hours' about this syndrome I find myself in an very emotional state. Oh Lord, I think the questions I've asked myself for the last 11 1/2 years have now had some light shed on them. Why? Why am I here? Why do I stay? Why do I go back? What kind of control does he have on me that makes me accept his apologies and go back for more?

I remember when I first got married and things changed so drastically from the way it was when we were just living together. He no longer helped with the dishes, laundry, or housework. He wouldn't even tart dinner when I worked late any more. Reality set in, I was now married. Things went from 50-50 to about 20-80 and I was the 80%. Marriage was no longer an equal partnership.

Life goes on and so did ours...the fights got to be frightful and close together. I could see the violence in his eyes and it was so scary. The anger was so fierce and the fights were so trivial. I had always heard that the first year of marriage was the time allotted for adjustments, for getting to know each others likes and dislikes. Surely things will get better.

Then it happened, he hit me for the first time. Before he would just grab my hair and pull, but this time he honestly hit me hard and pushed me down. I left him. I will not tolerate being hit by anyone, not even my husband. I was so scared, how could I have been so wrong about a person? My mom came and got me and I left without looking back.

After a week of crying and worrying I still didn't know what to do. I was pregnant and alone. I went back to see how much help he was going to be as far as the baby was concerned. Somehow, during the course of the conversation he promised that he would never hit me again, if only I would give him another chance. He wanted to be a full-time father not a n every other week-end one. I was scared about being a single parent. I wasn't sure I could do it alone. What could I do? I stayed.

Eventually, I gave up all my friends, I would sneak and call them sometimes when he wasn't around. The gap between my family was getting wider and wider. I don't think they understood. I got the feeling they thought I was nuts, I wasn't raised to let any one hit on me. I just knew that they would look at me and feel sorry for me. I don't need that. I know my mom must have wondered where or what she had done wrong in raising me. It seemed better for all of up if I just stayed away and pretended that everything was okay. God forbid, he make me choose between him and my family. For the sake of myself and my kids, we had two by now, I made my choice. I stayed with him. All I do now is worry about the next time he's going to hit me. take care of my babies, and eat. I'm not just fat anymore, I'm now obese. Before it is all over I will be morbidly obese.

Lord, it's all my fault our life is like it is. He drinks more and more now that Dayton Tire has closed down and he doesn't stay at a job any longer than a year, usually less. I know that if I hadn't gotten pregnant in the first place he wouldn't have to worry about how he's going to support a wife and two kids. Why do I argue with him? I know he's tired. He said he was sorry when he gave me that black eye. I believe him. He said he'd try harder. He will, he promised...Lord I can't go on this way any longer, I want out, I'm so scared. If only you could see him when he's mad. The look in his eyes. He told me I could leave if I wanted to, but if I tried to take his babies out that door he'd kill me. He said if I left while he was gone he'd track me down. I believe him as much now as when he says he's sorry. He really does mean it at the time he says it.

When I was a kid my mom told me about the saying, "you made your bed, now lay in it". Is this what she meant? Oh Lord help me please! I'm nearing the end of my rope, now what? If he really would let me leave, could I live without my kids? Could I let them be raised by a man like that? Could I watch my boys grow up to be just like their dad? That's it. I've got my answer. I cannot sit by and watch y boys go to hell. So I stay. I'm so tired of acting like I'm a happy wife and that my life is so peachy. Acting like I'm another Donna Reed. This has to end. He just has to leave. It's the only way. What can I do to make him see that even if he's happy, we are not? For days I have tried to think of something. I have called some of my friends, my true friends, that didn't ask any questions, they just talked to me like it hadn't been eons since we last talked. Nobody had the answer I was looking for. I did have a flash of an ideal, but it really is absurd. Something like this only happens in the movies. It's a sin to even think such a thing. My mom would disown me if she hasn't already. This is crazy! I'm loosing my mind, I'm going insane. Maybe I'm already there. I'm so tired, I don't want to think anymore. I need to sleep, maybe I'll wake up soon and find out this is just a terrible nightmare.

I was wrong, I'm awake. This is real. Our gun is in the pawn shop. Now what can I use? How can I do this? How can I even be thinking this? I don't want him to suffer, there has been enough suffering already. Something quick. Poison? Too slow. It's got to be the gun. This would surely be a mercy killing. He's drinking himself to death anyway. Slowly, oh so slowly. I need out. It will be okay. People will understand, won't they? God will understand, won't he? How can they? I don't even understand and it's my life! I just cannot do this, someone else will have to do it. I'll find someone. I'm not really a bad person, am I? What am I suppose to do?

Surely God won't let this go on much longer. Can't you just let him die in his sleep, God? You know what it's like here. Please help us. Please! I've got to do something. Can't he see I don't want to be his wife anymore? Thank God, he is going to let me go. Just as soon as I find a job to help catch up the bills. Finally I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I finally find a job and a good sitter. I'm getting lucky! He starts in again. Why in the hell wasn't I at home taking care of my babies, it was my job, not somebody else's? He said I was a piss poor mother and fat too. I remember not liking it when my mom went to work, I thought she was terrible. he must be right, I'm no good, ugly, fat, and I'm lucky he puts up with me. I can't go out anymore without my stomach knotting up. What will he be like when I get back home? I just cannot be late, he might hit me again. I can't stop to talk to anyone. Please don't think I'm a snob. I just don't want to get hit again. Please, just don't recognize me, don't talk to me. What have I ever done to deserve this life? Am I being paid back for doing something that I can't even remember doing? Is this what I get for breaking the phone when I threw it at my brother? Lord, please help me? Can't you hear me? Am I suppose to go on like this forever? I gotta get out!

This wasn't suppose to happen to me! Why did you let me get pregnant again, God? I'll just have to accept it now. I will try, honest.

It's him or me now, I can't live like this any longer. Let him kill me and get it over with. Who's crazy? Him or me? Who cares? I want out, dead or alive! I've made a few calls and it's all set. All I have to do is tell them when to do it. They told me it would be quick and painless. They are waiting on the go ahead. How can I live with myself? I don't deserve to live myself. If I do this, I'll have to kill myself. I can't.

I'm so damn mad! If the f#*^# ever hits me again, I'm going to lay him flat! I don't have long to wait. Was I talking out my ass? Am I a coward? Even if I deserve this kind of life, does my kids? What's the worst that can happen? He could kill me. Do you call this living? If anything happens to me I know my mom will see that my kids are taken care of. He will go to jail and she will not have to worry about him.

I can't believe it? I did it? I hit him back. He's laying on the floor when I walk out the door to call the police. The only way they will help me get my kids is if I sign papers to press charges, I'll do anything to get my kids.

When the judge asked him, eye to eye, if I needed to be afraid of him and he said, "yes sir, she does". I know it was over. I tried and I lost. I'm glad it's over. Even though they held him long enough to let me get to my car and leave the area, I waited for him. I just want it over. I don't want my three kids to have to watch...I'm tired of being scared. I hope it's quick. Don't let it be slow and painful. Please.

I'm divorced now. My kids and I went into therapy. It's over now, or is it? I'm finally free, or am I? If this is true, why do I still see him after being divorced for 5 years? Why do I let him stay in my life? Will I ever be completely free of him? Will it take his death or mine, before I'm completely free? Can anyone get out of this syndrome without a death occurring? Lord, I truly hope so!

Okay, take a deep breath, hold it, let it out slowly. That's better now. Look where I am at today. I can do it, I will do it. I am a good person and I deserve a good life and by damn I will be free from this syndrome to have one. Think positive!

In summary..."Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me." Whoever said this has never met or talked to someone who has lived in the Battered Women's Syndrome. I think it's safe to say that this syndrome can present itself anywhere, anytime, there is a women with even the slightest self-esteem problem. Once it's found your weak-link it starts to eat away at all other aspects of your life. Your self esteem drops to nothing, you have no confidence in yourself or anyone else. You live with fear and anxiety every waking moment. Instead of realizing your man just wants to control you, you're just so darn grateful he'll have you. You begin to think and feel that you deserve to live this way. These are a few of the many psychological aspects.

One of the social aspects is simply that of a lack of understanding. You have people who are so narrow-minded or uninformed who say, 'if he hits her and she stays or she goes back she either likes it or she's nuts, either way she deserves whatever she gets." There are those who see the potential problem but they overlook it easily to avoid interfering.

The physiological aspect could be anything from a black eye to broken bones, internal damage, obesity (as in my case), anorexia, hypertension, heart attack. There is no end to the physical problems that can stem from this.

Back to psychological. What about the effect on the kids and family. I'm afraid this is also an endless range from guilt to anxiety to physical problems of their own.

Is there a cure? Sure, first of all get out, see a doctor to heal your physical problems and find a good therapist to help you with your psychological problems. Join a self-help group and live one day at a time. There really is a light at the end of the tunnel, But patient, it might take awhile to see it. Always remember you are you and you are special.

After 4 1/2 years of therapy of different kinds, I can see the light and soon I'll be out of the tunnel. You have to believe in yourself and remember that after the body heals you must heal the mind and soul. It is this healing that will enable you to carry on with your life and keep you from falling back into a relationship that is harmful.