My Secrets to a Happy Marriage

It was an ordinary Friday evening in Palm Springs, when I went to the bowling alley to see if there were any available leagues. I attempted to join this team on the Friday night league (who had three people already), and this kind, good looking man did what he could to get me on his team. I had a wonderful feeling about this man, and I just had to be on his bowling team! Unfortunately, I was voted off of the team by real sticklers who wanted to follow the rules of the league to the letter, with no exceptions. The captain of the team, whose name was Jim, said his first three words to me with regret in his voice, " Well, I tried." I left the alley angry and hurt, and I didn't think that I would be back the following week or ever.

I mellowed out over the next few days, and I found myself practicing my bowling at the same alley where I was voted off of the league the previous week. The league coordinator came up to me, and she asked me if I wanted to bowl on the Friday night league. She said that one of the women on Jim's team had to quit and that I could replace her, if I so desired. I was naturally thrilled, and I showed up the following Friday and completely surprised Jim.

Jim and I hit it off immediately. We discovered right away that both sets of parents had a house at Morningside Country Club, and we also learned that we were both church goers, and that we both loved to sing. Jim asked me if I had a husband or a boyfriend, and I said no. Once he found out that I wasn't committed to anyone, Jim asked me to go with him to the Goldmine yogurt store, and we went out on our first date. We have been inseparable ever since.

I knew that I loved Jim before he even knew it. I remember that we were sitting in the car, talking outside of Goldmine, when I blurted out " I love you!" We were both astounded by my boldness, and one could have heard a pin drop in the silence of our car afterwards. Jim was so dumbfounded by the fact that I had fallen for him so quickly, that he did not know what to say.

I wanted to move the relationship along quickly, because I knew that I loved Jim, and I wanted to marry him, but Jim was as practical as I was emotional, and he wanted to take as much time as we needed to get to know each other, and this leads me to my first secret to a happy marriage; take the time to get to know your potential spouse!

Jim and I went together for three years before we got married, and we spent nearly every day together (and some nice romantic evenings too!) There wasn't anything that we couldn't discuss with each other, so we pretty much knew that what we saw in each other was what we got.

Another secret to a successful marriage goes hand in hand with taking your time before making a committment. Not only should one spend as much time as one can with his or her potential spouse before matrimony, but one needs to be completely honest with one's mate if he or she has an addiction of some kind.

I knew immediately, once I began dating Jim, that I would need to tell him about my gambling problem. I had no desire to try to impress him by putting on an image of maturity and sobriety that I did not yet have. I didn't want Jim to think of me in one way, and then be disappointed in me when he found out that I wasn't the person he thought I was. I also wanted to give him the opportunity to get out of the relationship once he found out about my addiction, so that he wouldn't be in a relationship that would cause him unhappiness. Fortunately Jim, being the kind and loving person that he is, was not daunted in any way whatsoever by my addiction, and he promised to be there for me through the good times and the bad times. It is not very often that one will find someone that will stand by him or her if one has an addiction.

Being honest about one's addiction is also important, because the potential spouse can be a participant in the addict's recovery, providing additional support that his or her mate may not be receiving from the immediate family. It is important to the marriage that the addict gain as much recovery as he or she can before entering matrimony to avoid potential problems, such as financial and emotional problems brought on by the addiction. I have heard of so many marriages ending in divorce by those who have not had sufficient time in recovery from their addiction, or those who had no recovery at all when they married. Divorce, when it comes as a result of compulsive gambling for example, is brought on by communication problems, dishonesty in various forms, excessive money spending which leads to unpaid bills and destruction of the couple's credit (even the credit of the spouse who is not an addict can be affected by the way the compulsive gambler tries to get money), and emotional neglect of the spouse by the compulsive gambler who spends more time in the casinos than with his or her partner. (I specify gambling, as that is the addiction that applies to me, but it would be the same scenario for other addictions as well.) Because my husband and I chose to wait for three years before we married, I was able to get sufficient time of recovery before we tied the knot, and we are fortunate that we haven't experienced the same addiction problems that have destroyed many marriages.

My final secret to a happy marriage is to be one's self during courtship. I believe that some who marry don't really know their spouse, because either one or both of them want to impress the other by hiding their faults and weaknesses. When the true revelation of the whole person comes after marriage, the couple doesn't know how to handle the resulting problems partly because of complete shock at the exposure to a side of the person that was never believed to have existed, and due to inexperience in handling the situation that results from the revelation of the other's character defects.

My husband has a friend whose daughter experienced just this scenario. She went out for some time with a young man who was quite charming and attractive during their courtship. Unfortunately, things changed when they got married. The man became abusive and the situation was so intolerable that the woman's mother came back east from California to take her away from the unhealthy relationship. I believe this happened as a result of hidden weaknesses and defects as a way of impressing and seducing the vulnerable unsuspecting partner.

Another example of this unfortunate situation was my father-in-law, who was a victim of an individual who was very good and very experienced at hiding her character defects. My father-in-law fell in love with a total fraud, and he married her , believing her to be something that she was not. It wasn't until the time of his death that he discovered the unpleasant truth about his partner, and his family has suffered the unpleasant legal consequences ever since.

In summary I believe that there are three secrets which lead to a happy marriage: 1). Take the time to get to know the potential spouse and avoid rushing into marriage 2). Tell everything you can about yourself to the partner, including any addictions that you might have, and 3). Be yourself with your potential spouse and don't attempt to hide anything from your partner, so that there aren't any unhappy surprises! I believe that, if one follows these steps, one can find a meaningful committed relationship, which will lead to a happy marriage.