My Sentiments Exactly: Greeting Card Verses for the Newly Dumped

Sadly, Hallmark doesn't make a greeting card for every situation that crops up in life. That's why, when my recently broken up and brokenhearted daughter saw me signing a sympathy card to send to a friend she lamented, "No one sent me a sympathy card."

True, the greeting card industry has dropped the ball when it comes to the massive breakup market that languishes in heartache with nary a verse of encouragement or pithy nugget of wisdom to be found.

Therefore, I have decided to write my own greeting cards to my daughter to help ease her pain after her S.O. (B?) of 12 years quit his job, started cheating on her and then booted her out the door.

Card # 1, short and to the point:

(Front) At this difficult time, we can't help but ask ourselves

(Inside) What you saw in him anyway...I mean, seriously...

Card # 2, rhyming advice:

(Front) Although I know your heart is heavy

(Inside) Don't run him over with your Chevy

Better you should use the mower

I hear the death is so much slower

Card # 3, sentimental:

(Front) Breaking up is hard to do

(Inside) But living with a jerk is pretty hard, too

Car #4, philosophical:

(Front) In life, there are givers, and there are takers

(Inside) and there are cooks, and there are bakers

and there are those who don't do squat

and that's the sort of guy you got

Hoping your days are soon enjoyed

And your next boyfriend is employed

Card #5, humor:

Front: Knock knock.

Inside: Who's there?

Your ex-boyfriend.

My ex-boyfriend who?

See? You've forgotten him already!!!

Or:

There once was a beau from Milwaukee

Who was lazy and stupid and cocky

Until one day his lass

Had enough of his sorry behind

And now she's changed all the keys to her locky

If you have a gal pal whose recently been dumped, please feel free to cut out any of the enclosed verses, tape it to the inside of a sheet of paper or cardboard, fold it in half and, voila! An instant dumpee card!

Hey, Hallmark, you had your chance.