My Story: Dealing with Depression and Anxiety Disorder

I have first hand experience dealing with depression and anxiety. Growing up I was always shy. When I was nine years old my parents divorced and me, my mom and my sister moved from Illinois to California. My parents didn't tell me they were divorcing. I thought we were just going to visit my grandparents in California. I didn't really get to say a proper good-bye to my dad and my favorite grandma, (who was crying her eyes out). I found out about the divorce once we were in California. My sister and I adjusted. My mom met a man she fell in love with, but he decided he didn't think things would work out. My mom was crushed and vulnerable. We found out my dad remarried, (not from my dad), but from my aunt. My mom unknowingly rushed into marrying a very abusive man. Thank goodness my mom divorced him after a year. In those days you didn't think about going to counseling or talking about abusive relationships. After this experience I became less interested in school and extremely shy with people I didn't know. I also felt very nervous often.

My sister moved back to Illinois to live with my dad and his new wife. My mom remarried again and I really liked this man, I really looked up to him and he was very good to me. He drank beer all the time, but it didn't seem to affect him. My sister moved back with us and she started hanging out with the wrong crowd and using drugs. Our step dad started drinking more and his whole personality changed. I ended up marrying when I was nineteen to get away from home. I thought I was in love and we were best friends, but the passion wasn't there. After ten years we divorced. I became so depressed and anxious I couldn't sleep or eat. I ended up going to counseling, where I received inadequate counseling and a medication called Klonopin. I felt like I was going crazy, I was depressed and afraid to talk to people, I was easily stressed and cried a lot. Sometimes I felt like there was someone behind me and I would actually look over my shoulder.

I moved in with my mom as a roommate and we got along great. My ex-husband and I became friends and I got a job I really wanted. My life became stable for awhile. I didn't take medication anymore. I then became involved with a co-worker, who had just separated from his wife and had three kids. I knew I shouldn't get involved in this, but I went full steam ahead and got involved with him and his three adorable daughters. It was great at first, but started going downhill fast. The good times were great and the bad times really bad. We broke up after nine months and I had to see him everyday at work. I was very depressed and cried constantly and even tried to get back together with him. I couldn't get over it. I decided I needed some help and sought out counseling again. I was lucky to find a great counselor. I told her about my current depression and my abusive past. She told me she also had been also been abused as a child and I knew instantly she was the right counselor for me. We worked through all my past and present issues first through individual counseling and later through group therapy. A good counselor can be a real life saver. Once I completed my therapy I had new tools to use to handle my problems and my relationships with people.

After completing counseling I began to experience depression and anxiety again when I was laid off from a job where I worked for ten years. I loved that job and would have like to have stayed their till I retired. I quickly got another job, which was very stressful and I started eating a lot, gaining weight, becoming very depressed and extremely anxious. At this point I tried taking Paxil, which made me feel so much worse, I had to stop and it took me a week to recover from it enough to go back to work. Then a bunch of us were laid off from that job. It was actually good timing since I had developed ovarian cysts and I was in extreme pain. I had to have a hysterectomy which brought on early menopause. My anxiety grew worse, I had a hard time talking on the phone without becoming very nervous. I didn't know what was wrong with me, I felt afraid all the time and depressed. I started taking Wellbutrin and it took about a month before it made me feel better. I was on unemployment for almost a year and disability for awhile after my surgery. My unemployment finally ran out and I was not able to get an extension.

I lived on my own, so I ended up going to six different temp agencies and got a job at the last one I went to. When I started work it was not very stressful at first, but gradually it became more and more stressful. I became more depressed and anxious. I felt like a dark cloud was hanging over my head and I felt like crying all the time. My anxiety was getting so bad I had a hard time talking and would actually lose my voice. I started having to go home from work because I couldn't handle it. During this time my sister was diagnosed with cancer and she ended up being terminal. I didn't know what to do, so I went back to my counselor who had always given me great advice. I let her know I had tried herbal medications, yoga, etc. I let her know about my job situation and my sister. Since, I had been through seven years of counseling already, she felt it was possible I was born with a predisposition for anxiety and depression. My sister had the same thing and I later found out my mom and her mom had it as well. My counselor recommended I go to an Endocrinologist. He also believed my depression and anxiety was inherited. He prescribed Zoloft and gave me Xanax. The Xanax didn't help at all, but the Zoloft kicked in after a few weeks and my depression went away. It felt so good to not be constantly depressed. I suddenly felt motivated and energetic, able to think more clearly and I didn't feel that dark cloud. The Xanax did not work, the doctor then gave me Valium. I could take five Valium tablets, (a total of 50 mg), which would knock most people out. My anxiety kept getting worse and I just couldn't hardly talk at work in my normal voice, it was like a croaking sound. I felt like I couldn't breath and like my mind and body were just racing in high gear.

My sister passed away and I still went to work and about a week or so later, my boss told me I should look for another job. I went home that night and I totally lost it. I called my doctor, my counselor, my best friend and my mom. My mom came over and spent the night with me. I continued working until my doctor gave me a written note that I was to go on disability. After this my doctor tried different medications for my anxiety, Buspar, a higher dosage of Zoloft, and nothing worked. Every time I tried something new I had to go through the side effects first and then when it didn't work I went through the withdrawl, including nausea, migraine headaches, feeling weak and even more anxious and depressed again. He sent me to a psychiatrist after trying all these medications without any success. I was lucky to get a really good doctor. He tried different medications for me as well and I had to go through the side effects and withdrawals again. Finally the doctor had me try a medication called Neurontin, which did help my anxiety somewhat. The doctor and I agreed to stick with the dosages of medications I was currently taking, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Neurontin and Valium. He said I had the worse case of Anxiety Disorder he had ever seen.

So, I am happy now not depressed and when I go out I take the Valium. A couple of times I have had to adjust the medication. I had to decrease the Wellbutrin due to side effects and I had to recently increase the Zoloft by a half a pill more due to feeling my depression coming back. No one can really understand how it feels and affects you unless you've experienced it yourself. I still have enough anxiety that I need to take four or five Valium when I have to go out and talk to people and also when I have to talk on the phone with people, and my voice is still shaky. I am lucky I now live with my roommate, who happens to be my ex-husband and best friend. I couldn't have made it through all this without my counselor, doctors and friends and family.

Statistics show that Anxiety Disorders are the most common mental illness in the United States with 19.1 million (13.3%) of the adult U.S. population being affected. Causes of Anxiety Disorders stem from heredity, brain chemistry, personality and life experiences. There are a range of symptoms, including fear, excessive energy, nausea, heart palpitations, difficulty concentrating and sleeping. Symptoms of depression may include fatigue, loss of energy and motivation, weight loss or weight gain, overwhelming sadness, hopelessness, loss of interest and pleasure in normal activities, headaches, sleeping too much and even suicidal thoughts.