My Struggle Out of Depression

I remember waking up in the middle of the night with this overwhelming feeling of terror. I would find myself just lying there paralyzed with fear, unable to convince myself that it was OK to breathe. I knew in my heart that I was going to die. Now I know what you're thinking. All little kids have nightmares. For so many years I attributed these occurrences to just that: nightmares. The thing is when I would wake up in the morning; I could not recall what I was dreaming about. Also, I never woke up screaming or anything like that. So just what had me so terrified?

Now I am able to look back and say with confidence that I was experiencing severe panic attacks. At such a young age I thought that I was just weak and didn't really say anything about these incidents because I didn't want to be called a baby by my brothers or my father. Coincidentally, these began to occur around the same time I began to have serious thoughts about suicide. I learned quickly not to share these feelings because they only upset my mother and angered my father. Instead I turned these emotions inward. Think about a bruise on your leg.

At first it hurts, but as you keep walking it goes numb, until you can no longer feel it. That is what happened to me. As we all know, this doesn't last forever. Any re-injury only multiplies the original pain. This process cannot continue forever. There comes a point when you can no longer suppress the pain. Over the years I have used many strategies to suppress my pain, from simple willpower to binging on alcohol. The past few years have taught me that I cannot suppress it anymore. Also, that I do not want to.

Originally when I discovered that I could no longer suppress my pain it leapt from me in the form of anger. On many occasions I found myself unable to control the rage that consumed me. I won't lie. At first it felt good getting it all out, but then the constant fury began to take its toll on me. Try as I might, I was unable to suppress it. My rage took over my life. I was simply along for the ride. It felt good to let go of the emotions that I had suppressed for so many years. However, I soon began to notice the toll it took on those around me. It didn't take me long to come to the conclusion that this was not the way I wanted to lead my life, but I had absolutely no clue how to change it.

So for the longest time I did nothing really. I tried, though I usually failed, to control and hide my anger. If I did manage to hide it in certain situations it was sure to pop up someplace else where I didn't feel the need to be as guarded emotionally. This was usually around close family and friends. As you can see this took quite a toll on my relationships. I tried to lose weight thinking that it would help my self-esteem and maybe I wouldn't be so angry.

This was, and still is, a roller coaster bottle for me. It did not solve the problem. I worked harder to earn more money and take care of myself thinking that independence would cure me. I only ended up more distanced from the people I care about and in the process fell even deeper into debt. I have miserably struggled through a desperate attempt to finish school thinking that a degree will give me a sense of accomplishment. My GPA has dropped drastically and I have been frustrated and bored. Many times I wondered if this was taking me further away from my dreams. Sometimes I have wondered if this vicious cycle would ever end.

Finally after all these years I think I have found a way to pull myself out of this dark hole. About a year ago I happened upon a book that discussed the study and application of positive energy. I bought it on impulse and immediately devoured every word. This was the insight that I needed to turn things around for myself. The road has not been easy, but I am beginning to notice a difference in my daily life. I have developed a more positive outlook on my future. I am increasingly at peace with my weight and earning money is no longer one of my main concerns.

I am still struggling toward my degree, but I find myself more at ease with my academic abilities. I still have anxiety attacks. I find that they are not as scary if you have a plan in place to control them. I now realize that anxiety attacks are a result of displaced energy. We can fix this through re-centering our energy. I have learned to do this through breathing exercises and meditation. I still have the occasional panic attack, but overall my quality of life is so much better. I have found the energy and passion to chase my dreams. I have the bad times still, but they don't overwhelm me nearly as much as they use to.

I only wish I knew back then all those years ago what I know now. What a difference it could have made. So many bad memories and wasted opportunities. I try not to think of the years I spent merely existing, drowning is despair. It is overwhelming. I try only to think of what lies ahead. It is scary not knowing, but at the same time I feel a sense of excitement.