My Take on the Dying Breed Known as the "Book"

What I'm about to rant about is the continuing existence of books in our society. Yes, shockingly enough, for some strange and unfathomable reason, these things are still around, and despite the fact that society has advanced to the point where we can surf the net on our video game consoles and watch television on our freaking phones, these ridiculously archaic things that we call "books," like a bad case of yeast infection, just won't go away.

First of all, if you still read these things, then please, allow me to welcome you into the 21st Century, the one in which I, and I'm sure other people as well, live and rant. What better way to school people on this time that we live in than by talking about our beloved entertainment industry, in which there are several different categories to consider. First, we've got the ever-popular music industry, which offers us pleasing sounds through its gift of audio. Then we've got television and film, which deliver not only in sound but in visuals as well, allowing us to both see and hear something at the same time. Yeah, I believe they're called "moving pictures." Wait a minute, it gets better. With these things that we call video games, we have not only visuals and sound, but we get to interact as well, and to a large extent, control exactly what we see and hear.

Books, on the other hand? Umm ... as far I can tell, they don't make any sounds. They don't have frames or a bitrate. And you certainly can't interact with them in any way. They just sit there, LITERALLY words on pages. And yet I'm supposed to revere and cherish these things as if they're my sole purpose of being?

Think again.

This, in case you don't get it a little later on, is where my tone of sarcasm comes to an end (although I'm keeping in the wit and the cockiness), and the phrase "in all seriousness" begins to apply.

If I had two words to describe "books" with, they'd be the words "outdated" and "overrated," not necessarily in that order. What I've come to realize recently is that, while the music, film, video game, and television industries are constantly changing, growing, and introducing new and exciting elements, characters, celebrities, and products, the category of "books" within the entertainment spectrum is one that I can, quite simply, ignore.

Do you people understand how easy it is to write and publish a book? Only a little more difficult than me sitting here typing these words onto this screen. Explains why there are as many books floating around out there as there are mosquitos. You wanna know how difficult it is to create and produce a decent television series, plan out and hire a cast and crew to produce a slammin pilot, get it approved by one of the five major networks for a chance to shine in a coveted primetime TV slot, and then do well enough in the ratings to warrant a continuation of the series past half a season? Yeah, in case you haven't figured it out, that last question was RHETORICAL. The rhetoric's pretty much on par with the rest of this article, as is my obvious hate for books.

If you really wanna impress me (and I'm speaking hypothetically to the so-called "authors" out there now), get your little words-on-pages adapted into a real product, like a feature film or a long-running television series. Then, I might actually care. Case in point, what has raked in more dough, the Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings film franchises or the novels? Exactly.

Actors. Producers. Directors. These are only a few of the elements required for a piece of fiction to be worthwhile. The script also has to, well ... not suck. The point is, the books that are actually worth your time will end up being adapted into something with actors anyhow, so why go to the trouble of sorting out the crap for yourself? Trial and error? Sorry, dont have the time or patience for that. And all this "books leave everthing to the imagination" garbage is an argument that you page-huggers have been using for ages now in lieu of a real defense. Because face it, there are no valid points to be made for the continuing existence of the outdated, overrated entity known as the "book."

There are many kinds of people in this world. But none more annoying, at least based on my own personal experiences, than the high school and junior high English teachers that dedicate their miserably misguided lives to reading books dating back all the way to the beginning of ... last century. Shortly before they were born, I reckon. Yeah, the ones that corruptly use the power of the public school system to force millions of helpless students into reading (and worse still, discussing) the same filth that they adoringly refer to as "classics." Wow. To put it as bluntly as I possibly can, kindly get a life. And you wonder why students all over the nation so often regard school as being synonymous with "Hell."

Of course, I do a good share of reading still. I read the closed captions that go with my favorite TV shows. I read the words off of my bookmarked websites. I read the bubbles on the weekly "Heroes" graphic novels on NBC.com. And yes, I read Entertainment Weekly on a ... weekly basis, among other things. And I've been none the wittier, as evident in this piece of writing.

It is my firm believe that in this day and age, if the words aren't in a magazine or projected on a crisp, LCD monitor, then they aren't worth reading.

As someone who puts the entertainment industry on nothing short of a pedestal, let me just say, for the record (in case I've been too subtle in my choice of words), "books" are not a deserving category in the aforementioned industry in my book. Pun intended.

In closing, I'd just like to say, as far as the dying breed known as "books" is concerned, please ... by all means, die quicker.