My Take: Growing Older: What Aging Parents Should Discuss with Their Adult Children

Laura Spencer's recent Associated Content article entitled "How To Tell When Your Aging Parents Need Help" provided excellent information on "telltale signs" that can warn you that an aging parent may need more help in the areas of Driving Safety, Medical Safety, Financial Safety, and Activities of Daily Living Safety.

Having recently been involved in moving my mother from her home to an adult care facility, I have given a lot of thought to what we (her three daughters) could have done differently that might have made this move easier. No one likes to think about growing older. To think about this necessitates thinking about dying, and if there is any topic that no one likes to discuss, it is death. But aging parents can make their old age much more pleasant if they take the time now to discuss their thoughts and wishes about growing old with their adult children. By doing so, our children will not be left as unprepared as many of the 9,000 people PER DAY who suddenly become caregivers to aging relatives.

That is not to say that our adult children will not take good care of us when we need that care, but they will also be second guessing their decisions, and will be wondering if they are making the decision that we would have wanted them to make. We have no way of knowing what circumstances our old age may bring, but if we have discussed possible options with our adult children, we will have provided them with guidelines upon which they can rely when the time comes.

If you approach the topic casually, and without being morbid about it, most adult children will accept such a conversation. Perhaps a comment like, "You know, if Dad passes away before I do, I think I might like to look into a retirement home with assisted living options. I don't really think I will want to stay in this house alone, even though I may be healthy enough to do so." That way, should this event come to pass, your adult children will be able to say, "Mom, remember when you said you wouldn't want to live alone if Dad passed away first? How are you feeling about that now?"

In addition to "The Talk", there are other things you can do to help your adult children understand your wishes and thoughts about your elder care.

Durable Power of Attorney. Our parents did draw up documents naming their youngest daughter as their Power of Attorney. Our dad probably thought this was important because our mom has a chronic illness and he wanted to make sure she would be taken care of if he was not there to take care of her. As it turned out, he died very young - only 67 years of age - and the Power of Attorney that my sister has for our mother has been very helpful in getting her moved into a care facility. Unfortunately, the document that was drawn up for my parents was not a "durable" power of attorney, so it does not give my sister some of the powers that she is now faced with - such as the power to sell our mom's home. Do your research - talk to an attorney. Make sure that your children will have the necessary power to take care of you in your old age.

Medical Power of Attorney. Medical issues - particularly end of life decisions - often need to be covered in a separate power of attorney designated for medical issues. These medical POAs cover topics such as "being kept alive by machines", etc. Make sure your adult children understand how you feel about such medical decisions.

Wills. If you have a lot of assets, or even if you don't, it is important to draw up a will. This can be done inexpensively and without the need for an attorney. Look into the requirements for a valid will in your state and make sure you keep the will updated as your assets change. If nothing else, a notarized document detailing your wishes with regard to your assets is a start. Hopefully, you will formalize it into an actual will, but if something happens before that is accomplished, there will at least be a document in place that tells everyone your wishes.

Funeral Plans. If you want to be buried in a certain cemetery, next to your spouse, then buy cemetery plots now, and advise your adult children of this purchase. If you want to be cremated, make these wishes known to your children, along with any wishes for your ashes. Want them scattered on the ocean, or thrown from a mountaintop? The choice is ours, and if it is known, your children will have the ability and the peace of mind to carry out these choices.

So take the time today - while you are in your forties or fifties and still in command of your faculties - to discuss these issues with your adult children. Some children may resist such a conversation, because they don't want to think about your aging or your death any more than you do. If that is the case, you may have to resort to putting down your thoughts and wishes in writing, and letting your children know where they can find this document when the time comes. In fact, even if you DO discuss the topic with your adult children, it would not be a bad idea to also write down your thoughts and wishes. It may be another quarter of a century before your adult children need to act on your wishes and desires, and the memory can fade in that amount of time. By making old age and death a part of your discussions with your adult children, you are providing them with an understanding and peace of mind that they will thank you for when the time comes that they must make those difficult decisions about caring for their aging parents.