My Teenager is a Cutter

I always considered myself to be an average parent. I go to work, make dinner and see that my children are safe and cared for. It never occurred to me that one of my daughters might be intentionally hurting herself to cope with the pressures of school, cliques and life in general. As modern parents, we all know about the various eating disorders, sexual promiscuity, bullying and gangs, but when it comes to the topic of cutting, we don't seem to know as much as we evidently should.

Cutting is when a child, apparently more girls than boys, take a knife, razor blade or other sharp instrument, and slice their own skin. It usually starts off as a small, almost paper cut-like slice, but gradually when that light cutting doesn't do the trick, it gets deeper and deeper, drawing blood and leaving scars. The kids always hide these marks by cutting in a concealed place, like the forearms or thighs, where clothing can easily conceal the marks. It's an intentional act that becomes a need.

Like anorexia, it helps the person cope by placing them in control and giving them a sense of release. They are tense and feel chaotic about their lives right up until the point where they draw the sharp blade across their skin. The pain seems to replace and out of control emotions they are feeling. This, at least, is how my daughter explained it to me.

I found out about her cutting when she came to me one day in tears. She asked to speak to me about something, in private, away from her sisters. I sat with her as she explained that she didn't think she fit in at school (even though she has so many friends I can't count them all), she wasn't doing well in school and she simply felt that her life was out of control. Then she rolled up her sleeve and showed me numerous little scratches, lined up one under the other, on her upper arm and shoulder. Most of the cuts had healed into thin little scars, but several I saw were quite fresh. Then she rolled up the other sleeve and I saw even more cuts. Some of them were thin and some were deeper and wider.

I asked her why she did it and she said it made her feel good. I couldn't understand how cutting yourself could ever feel good, but she explained that it was the act of doing it that made her feel good. There was a certain anxiety that built up first, then as she drew the razor blade (that she got from a cheap ladies shaver that she broke) across her skin and saw the blood slowly rise up, she relaxed and felt a sense of accomplishment. It was as if her life was less chaotic at that moment and she had control over it, if only for a few minutes. She'd been cutting for several months, but wanted to stop. This was the reason she told me about it. Her school had an assembly about cutting and it made an impression on her. They told of several teens who had gotten into cutting and eventually died from infection or went a step further and committed suicide.

We spoke for more than an hour and I held her tight. This was my child who was hurting and there wasn't much I could do about it. That feeling of helplessness is horrible. But, she stopped. We made a pact that she would come to me if she felt the need to cut again, and she did. In the past 6 months, she relapsed only once, but said she didn't get the same feeling of release and relief that she did before. I feel confident that she'll learn coping skills herself and not feel the need to hurt herself again. Just knowing that she can come to me with her problems, rather than suffering in silence has helped her. She knows I don't think less of her and I'm only concerned for her well-being. She's a beautiful person and I truly do believe she'll be all right.