My Thoughts on Treating a Bad Marriage

There is no antibiotic on the market for curing a bad marriage. In fact, most books and counseling materials available today do little to treat the real issues that are wreaking havoc on marriages today. With over half of all marriages ending in divorce there is a reality that all of us must face and that is there is a crisis in families all over this country because people are unable to remain together, regardless of the differences they have and they love they once shared.

Rather than quote national statistics or to talk about a recent episode of Dr. Phil, do me a favor and stand out on your front lawn and count the number of homes either in divorce or on the verge of divorce. And what about your friends? How many of them are one moment of courage away from filing the papers for legal separation? We know people, love people that are approaching divorce like a 747 coming in to land. We know them because divorce is not isolated to one segment of the population or one culture or class. We all know divorce because bad marriages are ripe all through society in ways it never has before. And the truth is we have no one to blame but ourselves.

Most marriages say they are ending because of irreconcilable differences. And then they blame issues like money for the real reason they are divorcing. But that is not why people are divorcing. Money was tight when you got married. You losing your job didn't cause the divorce the fact that you do not know how to communicate is the reason money because such a prominent issue in your household. Let me explain.

If I were a doctor who chose not to specialize but to become a general practitioner I would diagnosis most marriages as starved. Healthy marriages are those that are continually fed so starvation ever occurs. Those marriages that begin that downward spiral do so because they lack something that they need; in other words, starving.

So, using this analogy there is no pharmacy for marriages, or is there? Is there a Walgreens for the marriage across the street from yours, of course not? People used to believe that vacations and evenings away at hotels were the perfect remedy for marriages and what we have found is that while quality time is a solid treatment, quality time alone is insufficient to cure something as the common bad marriage.

As a treatment, quality time is only a useful treatment when both individuals use the time for something that builds the relationship. For example, some people get away just to have an intimate moment because there are kids at home so getting away provides for quality intimacy time to reconnect those lost passions that meant so much before. In the same way some people use quality time just to have quiet conversation about random things over a nice dinner. It is less about the meal and the time and more about the bridge being built when the time is used to feed the relationship.

Both of these examples shed light on the single thing needed to treat a bad marriage and that is putting the marriage on a feeding treatment. When a patient is comatose in the hospital and unable to eat or feed themselves, doctors put a drip into them intravenously that gives them the nutrients they would get under normal eating conditions. This is called a feeding treatment. Marriages that are in a bad place are usually unable to feed themselves. Feelings are often hurt and both people come in timid of opening up or loving again. Therefore, the marriage continues to starve. The only way to get nourishment into the marriage is to artificially feed the marriage like a hospital IV.

I know what you are thinking. How do you feed a marriage like an IV into a person's arm? The proposition sounds preposterous doesn't it? Unless you consider that a feeding treatment is just an artificial mechanism for doing something a person would naturally do in the first place. Given that both parties are available to doing anything, the simplest feeding treatments are a trip to a romantic movie with specific themes or a night of rented videos with the same auspices. Another feeding treatment could be finding your favorite love song, copying the lyrics down and giving them to your spouse. They aren't your thoughts but if you could think them, they would be.