My Top Eight Reasons for Hating MySpace.com
Yo Soy Un Perdedor
You downloaded every WYSIWYG editing tool known to man (and some only dogs can hear) to help you create your unique space. There is a whole industry growing up around building a MySpace page. These tools make it easy for anyone to drag and drop things on a page. The only problem is your page takes about 3 weeks to load. There is no optimization or concern for the casual browser. "Optimization" was a big word and you don't understand it, you self-absorbed little snot. I don't care if your MySpace name is "Hot-at-19" or "Full-Frontal-Female." I'm not waiting 5 minutes for your page to load on my high-speed connection. I lost "interest" 42 seconds into the download.
7. Who decided 8 was the limit?
I'm not in your top eight?! I'm broken hearted. Somewhere, somehow a programmer determined that 8 avatar icons would fit nicely in the space provided. Now everyone is clamoring to get in your top eight. This is proof that nerds run the world. I recently found a tee shirt caption that says it best, "Your mom is in my top eight." Are you really ready to see that?
6. Your music sucks.
Just because you are enthralled with "Tubesock and the Magnificent Brass Band Rejects" doesn't mean I should be subjected to them. I'm impressed that you figured out how to embed the stolen audio link into your page. I'm less impressed that the screeching coming from your page is more offensive than Yoko Ono after a fifth of whiskey and two packs of cigarettes. I love music and you are ruining it for me.
5. Those stats aren't you.
You are not 102 years old. You are probably 12 like 75% of the MySpace community. I really don't care to know your sexual orientation because I'm not looking to hook up with you. By the way, you can't have a religious preference and list your astrological sign in the same profile. You are a moron.
4. Those pictures of you with a tan are a lie.
You haven't left your computer and seen the sun in 2 years. You are addicted to MySpace and florescent lighting. There is no way you have a life, much less a tan. If you were to accidentally walk into sunlight, you would quite possibly burst into flames. MySpace collects the undead of the internet into one convenient place. It's begging for the next big web wave, woodenstake.com, possibly nailinyourcoffin.com. Get some exercise you lump.
3. Your dad is so proud.
You would never think of getting naked for "Girls Gone Wild," but those pictures of your drunken beach romp are more telling. Why are the most embarrassing pictures you could possibly take the only pictures you publish? Yes, that was a fun spring break, but you are now a one-hit, one-dimensional wonder. You regret it and so does Pedro.
2. We're not friends.
You are not in my "extended network." I'm not even a member. Stop telling me you are in any network in which I would travel. I have real, tangible, solid friends. I see them everyday in three dimensions. They help me move furniture when needed. I help them move furniture when they are in need. I give them advice. We have a beer after work. We talk about problems, family, traffic, and lawn care. We actually help each other.
1. You are a loser.
Your MySpace page will out live you. You will lose interest in a few months leaving jetsam bobbing on the internet. There are boxes in your parents' attic that contain the real remains of your life: the plaster-of-Paris hand prints you made at summer camp, your third-grade school photo, the clippings from your first haircut, the Dr. Seuss books that lulled you to sleep when you were five. Those are the things that define you. The bogus internet persona that you created at MySpace is who you think you want to be, not who you are. Do the world a favor and off yourself now or wake up and realize that you can contribute something that matters.
Published by theBarefoot
Finally I'm right. Finally you're wrong. Finally I dance with confidence to songs that sing of hope and love and truth. When you're nothing, you're still something. You're molecules. View profile
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91 Comments
Post a CommentLadies and Gentlemen, I give you Debbie the quintessential MySpace user. She's available all week creating "a well founded art on the web" at MySpace. Shield your eyes!
look! hate it or love it>>>> its what u made it! no one twister your arm, you made the page, the decision in content, and you need to take some responsibility for what you do! so here is a good as any for where that will start! And if u think you got a better way? then made one! until then there is way to much bashing from people with nothing better to do then put other people down that got it together and created a well founded art on the web!
You know what cracks me up? How many people say they hate myspace, but own a myspace profile despite this. Great artical, truely brilliant wit!
Well, I still think it is cool to have Jeff Daniels listed as a friend. He never calls but he does write when he puts out a new CD. I think he uses MySpace as a way to segue from acting to singing and promote a local theater venture.
You can have more than 8 top friends now, perhaps "Tom" read your article. Also as a side note, one can be religious and believe in astrology, they just have to have the right religion.
Hillarious and whip-smart, as always. I have a profile I visit once every couple of months or so. I thought it would be a good idea to promote some of my music, art, and writing. It produced results, but not near as many as on AC. The average user of MS; you hit the nail on the head with this article. I bet half of them have taken the "How Goth / Emo are you?" test thousands of times, only to find out they STILL suck at life (just like they get off on telling everybody else on MS!). Frank Zappa would be proud!
This article helped me a lot for some ideas for this English project I have. We're supposed to write our own satire about something... and I chose myspace! I'm not finding any trouble finding ways to ridicule it, especially with the help of articles like these! THANKS!
One of my favorite pieces you've written because not only does it have your trademark inimitable wit and humor but a serious message, one that I hope people take to heart. This parent thanks you.
I hate Myspace, although I have a profile. But believe you me I'm on it only for the other people! I don't do it for self-gratification. I do it to remind some of my loser friends in the real world that visit my page that the reason I haven't signed on in days, is because I've been having late nights partying and living it up in the real. And occasionally moving someone's sofa.
Plus, how else am I supposed to reach my monthly quota of using people to meet other people to use those people to meet other people to use those people as sexual playthings? Is that not the point of visiting Myspace? To "network"? **
**I don't actually do this.
Very funny article!