My Turbulent Life in 2009, and All I Have to Be Thankful For

So much has happened to me this year. I graduated from high school, I traveled to two countries, found someone to love, and reunited with family I hadn't seen in years.

After graduating from high school, I realized I was faced with two options - accept University of Washington's offer and live in Washington with my father, or travel abroad to live with my mom and little brother in Pakistan and start a new life there. It was a troubling and unstable time for me in Washington, and I decided life in Pakistan wouldn't be too bad for 4 years, attending National College of Arts, Lahore.

After my tearful goodbyes, I flew half-way across the globe to the host, dusty country of Pakistan. My last visit was 2 years ago, and much had changed. My mother had a new house, my little brother was going to a new junior high school, and I was ready to start a new life.

It's funny how the phrase sounds so extravagant and brave. I went to see the National College of Arts, and to my horror I greatly dislike the school. It was a wonderful school - large, beautiful campus, interesting students and professors, good academic background - but it just wasn't a fit for me. I couldn't see myself in their BA for Media & Film. I panicked - if I didn't attend college in Pakistan, where I decided to live my new life, where could I go? College wasn't the only problem - Pakistan is a great country to visit (I've stayed for 6 months at a time) but simply only for visiting for someone like me - I quickly found it very difficult to adjust, no matter how much I loved my family that lived there.

Desperation has a cunning way of sneaking in - everything seems grand at first, and you fool yourself into thinking there's got to be a way out. I accepted the fact that I simply couldn't live in Pakistan for 4 years, and got set to college-hunting anew. I accepted the fact that I would have to take a gap year and instead attend college in winter, 2010. The problem was, unstable familial complications stopped me from living in Washington as well. Being the strong-headed girl I am, I thought, 'I'm 18, I've lived home my whole life - what's stopping me from living on my own?"

Fueled by the failure of being able to live in Pakistan and inspired by the new idea of living off my own paycheck, I began to hunt for art colleges in Chicago, New York, and California. My cousin, whom I looked up to as an older sister, wasn't so quick to agree. She pointed out that if I lived alone in Chicago or New York, I would have no family to call in cases of emergency - and given my shy tendency, end up cooped in my dorm all day long. California, on the other hand, seemed a better prospect - I had relations and old childhood friends there.

Stubborn as always, I refused to go back to California - I had lived there for 8 years, that's plenty enough for me. I desperately wanted to try something new, but someplace safe as well. I was starting to really feel distraught - all I could think of was a new life, but there were no more doors of opportunity. I would be shipped off to California for college.

Along comes my knight in shining armor - 'R'. 'R' is a very good family friend, one whom I've known since childhood. It had been a few years since we last met, although we stayed connected online. Thanks to my uncle getting married that August (weddings are the biggest deal in Pakistan) 'A' and his whole family from London came over for the wedding reception. Everybody stayed at the groom's house in Faisalabad (there were about 30 of us staying in that house - imagine the bedroom accommodations and bathroom lines!) and many of use stayed even after the 3-day wedding, happy to have such a large family reunion after so many years. To my utter surprise, 'R' and I really hit it off - romantically. We were with each other day and night for about a month, before 'R' had to go back to his life in London. I'm embarrassed to say I was torn - I had stumbled upon a friend-turned-boyfriend through my uncle's wedding, and it broke my heart to see him go. The night before he left, we were spending our last moments together (corny much?) and he suggested I come live with him in London.

Impossible.

No way.

Wait...

It wasn't that far-fetched an idea, was it? The United Kingdom was no stranger to me (I've visited many times before, even in harsh winters, and still love it) and had an uncle and aunt who were at the wedding living in London as well. Why not? After all, it was a new place, but still familiar enough. I had family there. I actually liked the colleges there. My parents were both ok with the idea, and it was better than a scary, un-familiar place like New York. Not to mention I was pretty much in love with a guy who lived 20 minutes away from Royal Holloway, one of the art colleges I took a great interest in (especially their BA for Media Arts).

Suddenly, all the despair that was clawing in my stomach from not being able to live in any place other than California vanished - I was back on track with my 'start-a-new-life' plan, except this one sounded much better than any other feather-brained plan I had before.

I got to work on my college applications again - but this time I developed my art portfolio. I compiled what I hoped was my best photography, film, and animation and sent it off to several colleges in London (as well as one art school I liked in California, in case my perfect live-in-London plan didn't turn out as expected). The despair got worse with each day. What if I don't get in, what if I don't get it, what if...

Finally, I received a reply from Royal Holloway. It went something like this:

"Royal Holloway is pleased to offer you a spot on our..."

I couldn't care less what the rest said - I was boiling over with excitement. All my heart and head could think was how my biggest obstacle had been cleared ('R' kept trying to reassure me that I had nothing to worry about in the first place. Ok, maybe I was being a little over-emotional in thinking that I would be confined to living out of my mom's house for the rest of my life. Not that I don't love my mom, of course).

Right now I'm looking at my plane tickets - December 14th, destination: London. I'll spend a month there, staying with my relatives (and 'R', obviously), and back to USA to fill out a student-visa so I can actually work and pay my rent in the United Kingdom.

What do I have to be thankful for? Everything. Just when I thought things could only get worse, they got unimaginably better. Better than I could possibly hope for. I went from the hopeless anxiety of no college being right and a scary, "new" life to the joy of living fresh, yet still recognizable place. I got to see one of my favorite uncles get married to the love of his life, I met a few baby cousins for the first time, rekindled my happiness with a few old cousins, shared the joy of decorating and buying furniture for a brand-new house with my mom, and fell in love.

I'm thankful for all the messes I made, all the tears I cried, and all the people who helped me pick up the pieces, wipe my eyes, and get back on track with my life