My Ulcerative Colitis Nightmare

In 1985 I felt honored to be the commencement speaker for the graduates of Illinois Central College. I received a warm ovation.

As the Executive Vice-President and Chief Operating Officer of a life insurance company for many years, I was often asked to give talks, not to mention the quarterly address to the company's stockholders.

Why do I bring these issues up? Perhaps you may feel I am bragging or glorifying myself, but hardly. Every time I have these memories, my blood runs cold. I have ulcerative colitis and every time I am asked to speak publicly, I have a nightmare. Ulcerative colitis is not a confidence builder; rather, it robs a person of confidence and plants doubt in their minds. Just the stuff of which a nightmare is made.

In my nightmare, my ulcerative colitis flares during a speech which results in me doubling up. My face flushes and I am incapable of speech. I forget the words to my talk and stand vulnerable to all who can see and hear me. This was a common nightmare I had even when I didn't have to talk.

I couldn't stand the nightmarish thought of my ulcerative colitis hitting me when I was all alone in front of many people and away from any assistance. Every time I was asked to speak I would fret, which, of course wasn't good for my ulcerative colitis condition.

This is the nightmare I often had regarding my ulcerative colitis that never actually happened. Now, let me share a nightmare with you involving my ulcerative colitis condition that did occur.

Several years ago, on somewhat of a whim, I decided to get a school bus driver's license. My Dad had been a bus driver and I guess I was trying to immortalize his memory in some small way. Also, I wanted to prove to myself I could handle a large vehicle.

As part of my training I had to ride along on a bus route and watch the bus driver's decorum.

School buses do not have restrooms. That stress alone made me begin to cramp on this particular bus run. My worst nightmare occurred. I was on a moving vehicle, in front of many young people and my ulcerative colitis condition was creating severe cramping which I could tell was momentarily going to result in diarrhea. I can't think of a time when I was in more pain or felt more helpless and terrified; it definitely was a nightmare. Of course, the circumstances further aggravated the situation.

Suddenly I spied a well-known drugstore and demanded the driver let me off. He wasn't going to pull over, but he must have seen the "take no prisoners" look in my eyes and relented.

I barely made it to the public restroom. I barely survived this nightmare. I guess, since this nightmare really occurred, you would have to call it my true ulcerative colitis nightmare.

People with ulcerative colitis will always have nightmares about what might happen to them in "real life". With all the precautions we take, there is always the possibility of that one unexpected and cataclysmic event stealing our dignity.