My Weight Loss Journey: Help!

I need help. I feel like I cannot stop eating. I have lost ALMOST 30 pounds and I am slowly starting to put it back on again. I have been feeling kinda bad about myself lately, and with that comes comforting myself with food. I know that if I get to the gym, that will help, but mentally, I have fallen off the weight loss wagon really hard and need to pull myself back up on it again. It's easier said than done. I was thinking about doing a fast today and just re-centering myself again. Saying some prayers and reading my Bible to get my head back in the game. I give all the glory to God for my loss so far, because without Him, I couldn't do this. I honestly do not have the will power.

Why does food hold such power over some of us? I look at people on television or even people out in public that are thin. I am insanely jealous. What must that be like to be thin? I've never known what it feels like. What must it be like to not let your life revolve around food? To not always think about "what can I eat next?" or "I should invite a friend to dinner so I can eat something yummy." My mindset is just all wrong and I don't know how to change that. I don't know why food comforts me, but it does. It makes me feel good for about two minutes. I get lost in the flavors and the feeling of endless chewing. Usually when I eat a high fat meal, I feel like crap when it's all done. Why can't I remember that feeling? Why doesn't that sit with me in my mind?

I hate the way I look. My body disgusts me. I don't understand how my husband can want me, but he does. I'm totally blessed by him. He thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. I get depressed really easily, and I think it's because I've been eating so badly. Have you ever noticed that when your diet gets bad, your mentality takes a huge downfall? I do. I'm going grocery shopping today and my goal is to buy everything healthy. Lots of fruits and veggies and chicken.

I think another problem is that I'm getting bored with healthy food. I need some ideas that are easy to cook, but they have to be delicious. I can cook just fine, but I don't like cooking. I'm a person that wants it to be easy. Easy meals tend to be very high in fat, calorie, and sodium.

Another thing that scared me a few days ago, after I ate a pretty bad meal, I have some heart palpitations that freaked me out. They didn't last very long, but for the few seconds they did last, they scared me out of my mind and felt like they lasted forever. I want to live to see my grandchildren, people. I don't know how to get my mindset to change.

I'm sick of being the fat friend, fat sister, fat daughter, fat mother, and fat wife. I need to be motivated again! I have put a "fat" picture of me up on the refrigerator and it doesn't seem to help. A woman I know, she put the scale next to her refrigerator and every time she went to get something to eat, she had to step on the scale. I haven't tied that yet, but I'm going to do that today, so that starting tomorrow (because I'm going to fast today) I will be stepping on that scale every time I go to get something to eat.

Today is a new day, people! Thanks to all of you out there that read my weight loss blog. Your comments, ideas, and support have really helped me though some ordeals. I enjoy writing about this because it acts as an outlet for my frustration, and also, because I know that I am not alone. There are so many of us out there that want, more than anything, to get healthy! I hope my blogs can touch you and your life. Thanks for being faithful readers!