My Wife Doesn't Think I'm Funny

Comments I receive on my articles range anywhere from "I want you!" to...well, that about covers it. What can I say? Chicks dig me.

The reason the ladies start throwing their panties and hotel room keys my way whenever they read my stuff is because I make them laugh. Some of the comments even suggest that my wife is one lucky gal because, living with me, she must constantly be laughing her ass off.

Yeah, well, not so much. Actually, the love of my life doesn't think I'm all that funny.

That's right folks! My dear wife is not nearly as amused by my sparkling wit as other people seem to be. She's just in it for my rugged good looks, and my natural sexual magnetism and, of course, my man-thing.

Oh sure, I can get a chuckle out of her now and then, but an actual loud, hearty "Ha-ha-ha, you're killin' me!" kind of laugh comes around about as often as a clean Lindsay Lohan urine sample.

"Your humor is too dry," she tells me with the kind of pained expression on her face that one might expect from someone with an impacted bowel.

"Yeah, well oh yeah?!" I cleverly counter with bowels obviously clear of all obstructions.

It's not that my wife doesn't laugh. She laughs plenty goddamn loud when something tickles her funny bone-for instance, the sight of a helpless, fat woman slipping on ice and falling on her enormous ass. America's Funniest Home Videos will get my lovely spouse cackling in no time.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy watching poor, helpless bastards fall down, get hit in the nuts, and narrowly avoid life-threatening injuries as much as anyone. Near death experiences can be great entertainment, but I enjoy all kinds of humor-especially that which requires some thought.

I spend hours sitting at the keyboard racking my brain trying to come up with cleverly crafted articles packed with hilarious punch lines. I read, edit, have a beer, re-read, re-edit, re-have a beer, and punch it up over-and-over looking for just the right words. And all the while, I know the only thing that will get a laugh out of the most important woman in my life is if my chair suddenly explodes into pieces and I'm impaled by one of the chair legs.

I learned early on in our marriage just what kind of humor makes my wife "LOL" and I barely sidestepped death doing it. I was attempting to remove the cover plate from an electrical receptacle on a wall in our first house. The screwdriver slipped and slid inside causing a loud pop, shooting sparks, and sending me sliding halfway across the room on my butt. The explosion left a big black mark on the wall, tingling throughout my right arm, splinters in my ass, and my dear, concerned wife doubled over in laughter. That was more than 30 years ago, and she still counts it as one of the happiest moments of our marriage.

I suppose, had I died, my widow would have needed heavy sedation at my funeral-not to deal with unbearable grief, but to keep from having a laughing fit as she kept reliving in her mind the hysterical sight of her husband flying backwards on his ass with a stunned look on his face and smoke escaping from every orifice in his body.

Of course none of this stops me from trying out my material on the little woman. If I think of something that amuses me-a good line, maybe something I can use in an article-I'll run it by her. The broad's a tough audience, so if I can get at least a smile out of her, I know I have something. If she laughs out loud, it's freakin' gold!

Fortunately, not everyone is as tough a nut to crack as my woman. I've managed to accumulate a decent collection of panties, hotel room keys, and faithful readers who "LOL" and "ROFL" and sometimes even "LMFAO!" People in the business of writing humor will tell you there's nothing more gratifying than receiving an "LMFAO!"

And the best part is I don't need medical assistance after I get one.