My Wife: The Parking Lot Nazi

My wife is a walking, talking example of why we need strict gun control laws in America. Thankfully, she and I have managed to make it through our lives together without feeling the need to exercise those precious 2^nd Amendment rights of owning firearms; otherwise the Feds would probably be following a trail of dead bodies all the way to our home. You see, my wife doesn't suffer fools gladly (you ought to hear the things she has said about Dubya over the past eight years-makes me sound like a fan).

I, on the other hand, am about as laid back as they come; I have a live and let live attitude. If something bothers me, I just shrug my shoulders, laugh it off and move on. Sure, I'm annoyed by what other people do and say, but rarely do I wish to do them harm. I just won't shed too many tears should any of them accidentally meet an unfortunate fate at someone else's hands. Like my wife's.

My wife's list of pet peeves is not terribly unusual; she has the same annoyances as most anyone else. It is her reaction that I find both amusing and at times a little unsettling. First, I should say that my wife is a wonderful, caring person. She is a terrific wife, mother, and grandmother. She has great compassion for those who are down on their luck, the disadvantaged who need a little help to overcome the daily struggles that life tosses at them each day. Her heart is there for the elderly, the disabled, and the homeless. But she has no patience and no compassion for the lazy and the inconsiderate, for those who believe they are too good to engage in such menial chores as considering anyone but themselves.

Nowhere does that become more obvious than when we are grocery shopping. If my wife is shopping in the same store you are, beware should you stop in the middle of an aisle to chat with a friend you happen to run into. "Yeah, that's right. Stand there and gab ladies, while your fat, jiggly asses block my way to the eggs," she mutters. And absolutely do not have a conversation on your cell phone while absentmindedly pushing your cart at a snail's pace. Get the hell out of the way! My wife is shopping! If she were packing heat, there would be a major call for clean-up in Aisle Six.

She also has no compassion for anyone driving a motorized shopping cart who isn't at least 90 years old or severely disabled. Being fat and lazy just isn't a good enough excuse to be blocking the aisles with a battery powered vehicle. "If they'd get off their asses and walk, maybe they'd lose some weight," she grumbles quietly.

But best of all is the parking lot. My wife's biggest pet peeve there is when people leave shopping carts scattered around the lot and not in the cart corral where they belong. "Lazy-ass people!" she growls as she collects the errant carts as if she were wearing an orange vest and being paid minimum wage to do so. As I watch her, I smile and think how fortunate these sinners are that my wife doesn't camp out atop the roof of our local Meijer and pick them off like a deranged sniper.

Shoppers aren't the only ones who should beware. Look out if you are on the road, driving in the left lane-the speed lane-and going less than five miles over the speed limit. "Hey stupid! The one on the right is called a gas pedal. Use it!" And PLEASE use your turn signals before changing lanes. No turn signal will most assuredly earn a glare and the mouthed word "Asshole!" as she speeds by you.

I hate unsolicited religion. If the Lord helped pick your drunk, drug-addled ass out of the gutter, great! Keep it to yourself. I am doing just fine living my sin-filled life. I dislike these preachy people as much as anyone, but my wife detests them. Come to our door to talk about how certain you are that you are going to heaven and she will see to it you get there soon. If you want to be helpful, go collect shopping carts at Meijer.

Again, I don't mean to make it sound like my wife is a mean, angry person. She isn't. She is kind, caring and nurturing. She is loving, devoted and loyal. She will do anything for those who truly need help and she will always be there for those she loves. She is, I believe, what all people should be.

But I have to tell you that even though my wife adores me, I am not exempt. It took a while, but eventually I learned that something as seemingly innocent as squeezing a tube of toothpaste in the middle rather than at the bottom of the tube will not be tolerated. I thought she was only kidding when she threatened to shove the toothpaste up my ass if I ever did it again.

It took a few days for the bleeding to stop.