My Wife is in Perimenopause and Wants a Divorce: Now What?

So, your wife is in perimenopause. Chances are you were expecting her to experience a few of the more common symptoms of menopause such as: Crashing fatigue, irritability ,crazy mood swings, hot flashes and night sweats and maybe even a loss of libido.

But, what you might not have been expecting is that your wife also appears to have undergone a personality change. Little things that she used to overlook or that didn't seem significant have now become fodder for huge fights and arguments.

She's cold and distant and wants to spend more time alone. If you try to talk to her she's disinterested and pushes you away. You used to think you were her prince charming. But, now, you can't even walk the dog or load the dishwasher right.

She's been more reflective and philosophical and has begun to question everything in her life: her values, her belief system, her roles in life, her friends and her relationships. In fact, she's even said she doesn't think she loves you anymore and she might want a divorce. Sound familiar? If so, don't panic just yet, gentlemen

While it is true, that when many women go through menopause, they divorce their husbands, it's not necessarily a given. However, if your wife is in perimenopause and says she wants a divorce, it might not be a bad idea to try and understand exactly what is going on with her.

It may not save your marriage, but then, it could. And it also might mean that the rest of your lives together will be better than the years before. Read on.

Why do Women leave their Husbands in Perimenopause?

Dr. Louann Brizendine, M.D., psychiatrist, neurobiologist and founder of the Women's Mood and Hormone Clinic in California, says in her book, The Female Brain, that a woman's brain undergoes profound neurological and biological changes during perimenopause. These life altering changes are due primarily to the shifts of the hormones progesterone and estrogen.

So, if you're thinking that your wife has entered perimenopause and she's not the same woman you married, well, you're right, she's not. The neurobiological changes that occur during perimenopause literally transform her into a new woman.

Essentially, says, Dr. Brizendine, her ovaries have "stopped producing the hormones that have boosted communication circuits, emotion circuits , the drive to tend and care, and the urge to avoid conflict at all cost. The emotional tending and nursing impulses are dialed down to a dull, steady roar. There's a new reality brewing in the brain and it's a take-no-prisoners view"

Put another way, by the time a woman reaches menopause, she is far less interested in pleasing others and more interested in pleasing herself. Furthermore, things she may have happily accepted or tolerated in her marriage and personal life before menopause are no longer so happily tolerated.

What Does this Mean for You?

Let's say there have been unresolved issues in your marriage that have caused your wife to feel dissatisfied or unhappy throughout the years. Before perimenopause, she managed to suppress, tolerate, overlook and simply live with these things. That is because her neurobiological wiring and brain chemistry (that is, her hormonal balance) has been conducive to doing just that.

But now that she has reached perimenopause, her hormones are shifting and as a result, she is not only willing to confront these issues, but, also may decide that she is no longer willing to tolerate them for the sake of keeping the peace or preserving the marriage.

If you have personally benefitted from your wife's willingness to yield to and tolerate conflict for the greater good of the family and the marriage, then, not surprisingly, it will be no small shock when suddenly and without warning, she declares she wants a divorce.

What Can You Do?

As you know by now, gentleman, life does not occur in a vacuum. While you are not personally going through perimenopause, there is no question you are feeling the reverberation of the effects it is having on your wife.

It can't be stated strongly enough, however, that though perimenopause is definitely a phase of her life, it's not a phase based in whim or fickle fancy that she will eventually get over so that you can assume the status quo. In fact, now might not be a bad time to reevaluate your own life and ask yourself some hard questions.

Have you had a tendency to hunker down during conflict and wait for the storms to pass without ever really resolving the issues? Have you left things unsaid because to you they seemed insignificant and inconsequential? Have you been unwilling to negotiate compromise or give consideration to your wife's feelings, needs and wants? Unfortunately, if you have, these might be the issues that have come home to roost.

On the other hand, if you feel you haven't done these things and that you've had a good and happy marriage, it still might not be a bad idea to approach your wife to hear her take on it. It could be that she is unhappy, but, is still willing to work through the issues with you.

Don't Be Afraid to Change

Perhaps the overarching theme in perimenopause, gentlemen, is redefinition. The hormonal shift in her brain and body chemistry is literally causing her to redefine her life and to question every aspect of it - you included.

If you are willing to jump into the trenches with her, then in all likelihood, you can help in that redefinition and it could be good for both of you. While the process might be painful, stressful and difficult, what comes out on the other side might be a marriage that deeply satisfying and happy for both of you. A good marriage counselor might not be a bad idea either.

Sources:

The Perimenopause Blog.com

Brizendine, Dr. Louann. (2006). The Female Brain. 136, 138. New York: Broadway Books

"Perimenopause Hot Flashes: Cool the Heat with Soy". June 20, 2010. Associated Content. November 24, 2010. http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/5443600/perimenopause_hot_flashes_cool_the.html?cat=5

"Are You Going Crazy or is it Just Perimenopause?". April 23, 2010. Associated Content. November 24, 2010. http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2917418/are_you_going_crazy_or_is_it_perimenopause.html?cat=5

"Estrogen Dominance in Perimenopause: Understanding and Treating the Symptoms". May 6, 2010. Associated Content. November 24, 2010. http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2953960/estrogen_dominance_in_perimenopause.html?cat=5