MY WIFE the SKIING TERRORIST

Ann knew immediately that she had shattered her left wrist and right ankle when she fell while skiing at Breckenridge, Colorado. What my wife did not know at the time was that this event would start her on a path as a suspected terrorist (and by association drag me along the same path).

It happened on March 17 on relatively flat terrain. Ann was not doing anything out of the ordinary and no one smashed into her. All her equipment worked exactly as it was supposed to. Whether she hit a rock, some slush, or just relaxed a bit too much on the flats we don't know. The bottom line is that it was an accident, pure and simple. To borrow a NASCAR phrase, "It was one of them skiin' thangs." Her injuries turned out to be a spiral fracture of the right ankle (requiring a plate and 13 screws), a broken left wrist (requiring a plate an 11 screws), and two wrenched shoulders.

As you might surmise having this happen 1300 miles away from home presented us with some challenging circumstances. However, we were awed by the professionalism and kindness of scores of people and businesses.

The ski patrol at Breckenridge was at the accident scene in short order and sped Ann to a fully functional ER hospital at the base of the slopes. She was then taken to St. Anthony's Summit Medical Center in Frisco, twelve miles away, where they have 14 orthopedic surgeons on staff, suite-like rooms, a grand piano in the lobby, Starbucks on demand, and room service dining. Most hotels we've stayed at are not this nice. If you're going to get injured, this is the place to do it.

After a four-day stay it was time to get Ann back to Cadillac, so we embarked on a Monday travel day. At this point Ann had soft casts wrapping her leg and wrist. She could not lift her arms much above waist level. She had a special walker that required her to hop on her left leg in order to move ahead six inches at a time. Any "trip" of more than a few feet required getting in and out of a wheel chair.

Let me tell you how nice people were. Hertz Rental Car delivered a car to the hospital and at the Denver airport volunteered to have an agent drive us to the terminal. Exempla Lutheran Medical Center in Wheat Ridge, CO let us stop for a bathroom break on the drive to Denver and treated us like visiting royalty. Frontier Airlines provided us with wheel chairs and personnel to assist us in Denver and Grand Rapids. Even a deli in the Denver airport provided us with ice for Ann's ice packs and the men who sat in front of us on the plane agreed not to recline their seats. I mean, we experienced cooperation, understanding and compassion at every step along the way '" with one exception.

The Transportation Safety Administration (TSA) at Denver International Airport was at their ever vigilant best. Apparently an alert had been issued: "Be on the lookout for a pair of terrorists traveling on the red-eye to that hotbed of Al Qaeda activity, Grand Rapids, Michigan. The woman will try to fake you out by having a broken leg and arm. The man will try to deceive you by being a short, bald, pasty-faced, old white guy. Their weaponry will include a pillow, two empty ice bags, and a backpack containing Chips Ahoy."

So, we arrived at the TSA security check-in and that's when the fun began. You know, if you're a TSA worker and you look at a ticket and it says the flight is on a commuter-size plane headed for GR on a Monday, arriving at midnight to an empty airport, wouldn't you conclude that this is probably not high on the list of terrorist targets? Al Qaeda is going to waste their resources on GR at midnight on a Monday in March? You actually think this makes sense? Then you look at the two ticket holders (previously described): broken limbs, pillow, wheel chair being pushed by Frontier Airlines employee, and so on. In your TSA mind all this adds up to a red alert? Seriously?

At this point Ann was taken aside. The lady from Frontier who was pushing the wheel chair just shook her head and said, "I can't believe this." A female TSA agent was on the case keeping America safe, however, so Ann was wheeled away for inspection.

She was asked to stand up so she could be frisked. Ann pointed out that she could not stand without her walker. Ms. TSA said the walker had not cleared security yet because it was being carried by Ann's terrorist husband. "Can't stand, then," said Ann. So Ms. TSA launched a twenty minute pat down of Ann, who was wearing a light tee shirt and nylon jacket and pants, neither of which had pockets. It wasn't until Ms. TSA asked Ann to remove the jacket (which would have necessitated tugging it over her broken arm) that another (saner) TSA agent said, "Geez, let her keep the jacket on."

With the frisk completed, the Frontier lady got ready to wheel Ann away '" not so fast, though. Ms. TSA decided x-rays were in order. Over to a curtained-off area Ann went, behind which was a giant x-ray machine. Ms. TSA jostled Ann's leg for several minutes trying to line things up. After x-raying side of the leg it was time for the bottom of the foot; Ann had to hold her foot in the air for that to happen and it became obvious that Ms. TSA had no clue how to correctly align and operate the x-ray machine. In obvious pain, Ann hung in there, with the Frontier lady commenting, "In all my years doing this job I've never seen anything like this."

Now Ms. TSA moved onto the wrist, which really confounded her. She moved the machine this way and that and still could not get it positioned correctly. Finally, exasperated, she asked, "Could you stand on one foot and hold your hand above your head (striking a pose that was a combination of a stork and the Statue of Liberty)?"

Ann replied, "I have a broken leg and I can't stand like that unless I have a person on either side of me holding me up, plus I have two wrenched shoulders and I can't raise my arm! No I can't do that!" Stymied, Ms. TSA said, "OK, I'll just have to take your word that there's nothing in your (wrist) cast."

After all the frisking, jostling, poking, prodding this was the end result; I'll take your word for it. Wow, now that's some doggone fine security work, eh? No terrorist could sneak through undetected with that rock solid inspection technique being utilized.

Meanwhile, back in the TSA line, I was selected to undergo the full body scan. It was obvious I was with the lady with all the broken parts who was waiting for my assistance (not to mention her walker and pillow), but the TSA wanted to be ultra cautious. After all, I could be the head of the Cadillac, Michigan chapter of the Taliban.

After removing my belt, shoes, hat, vest, and teeth fillings I was directed to stand in the scanner with my hands above my head. "Is that a watch on your left arm?" asked Mr. TSA. "You'll have to take that off because it's metal." He continued, "Is that a metal medic alert bracelet on your right arm? You can keep that on."

Then I was scanned. It didn't work. "Do you have everything out of your pockets?" asked Mr. TSA. I replied, "All that's left in there is my handkerchief." He appeared shocked and directed me, "You'll have to take that out of your pocket and we'll scan you again."

So here's the deal. These scanning machines cost $150,000 each (I looked it up). The TSA made me take metal off my left arm but let me keep metal on my right arm. Plus, I had to take my handkerchief out of my back pocket because apparently the machine can't tell the difference between plastic explosive and my cotton hanky (which I buy 24 for $5 at the dollar store). Why do I get the feeling that the TSA could get the same results by having people walk through an old refrigerator crate while a guy on the outside makes buzzer sounds? "Zzzzzzz, bing, whirrrr -- he's clean." Cost to the taxpayers would be about $2 bucks per crate and it would spot just about the same amount of terrorists.

Well, all's well that ends well. We made it back to Cadillac, Michigan and have a good story to tell. Ann is healing and (judging by the weather lately) next ski season is just a few days away. The only downside is that once this article is published someone at the TSA might happen to read it. The next time we have to go through security at an airport you don't suppose we'll be on any sort of watch list, do you?