My Worst Bridesmaid Dress Ever

It was over coffee at a restaurant in the mall where the complaints started. The blond sitting before me took a puff and a sip while cramming in every detail before our 15 minutes were up. The boss wouldn't want us late getting back to work.

"She hasn't gone for her fitting, she skipped out on helping me with the party favors, and I doubt she will ever bother to throw me a shower."

I felt bad, of course, for the poor gal. It was getting close to Christmas and being new does not have its perks during the busiest season of the year. Our boss did not look kindly on imperfection and that made it hard for the retention reports. This one seemed really nice, sincere, and I hoped she would last. It was hard to find people that were ready to help any department out that needed it.

"She won't even help me watch little Patrick so I can finalize the banquet hall! All I need is for her to come with me and watch the little guy while Steve and I talk to the hall manager."

"I don't mind watching your little one for you, just let me know what day you need me."

That statement that just fell from my mouth started my dress disaster. The following Friday, Tracy and I took the evening off from work so we could make the drive out to the banquet hall. It was pretty and had wonderful gardens for outdoor ceremonies. I walked with Patrick for about a half hour around the grounds.

It was great exercise for me, but sheer torture for a three year old to be waiting for his mother that long. We walked a little more until I started to get dizzy from the circling. I noticed a little waterfall fountain in the gardens and I thought that might buy me some time to collect myself. I should have known that boys, rocks, and fountains don't mix, but I was a very young thing back then. Children and mischief were a mystery to me at 24.

After one, "Patrick, no.", Tracy appeared with Steve, they were finished talking with the manager and ready to go. It was a relief to me that I was able to have the little one avoid a disaster. I felt proud of myself and figured that would be the only glitch in the honor of being a bridesmaid. I soon found out that was the furthest thing from the truth.

A few more weeks went by and it was time for dress fittings. Tracy had told me that before she uninvited her previous bridesmaid, the girl had a slight accident with the dress I was about to try on. Apparently, the girl got a touch of the flu and threw up all over the dress. Tracy was mortified that it happened, but assured me that the brides shop had already sent it out for dry cleaning.

I walked in with Tracy and one of the seamstresses went to get the magenta colored dress with a sympathetic look on her face. She whispered under her breath not to worry about anything because it would get fixed soon. I had no idea what she meant at first and just smiled and said okay as I walked into the cubical. The dress was swung over the door and a stench took over my nostrils. I looked closer at the dress in a bit of awe and amazement. I couldn't believe what my eyes, mind, and nose was processing. The dress was never cleaned.

A bit embarrassed for my friend, the bride-to-be, I tried to fight off the urge to gag and put on the dress. I stepped out while holding my breath and tried to smile through what was slowly starting to become my first, worst, and only bridesmaid experience in all of my life. Tracy was astounded at the dress and proceeded to pull the manager aside for a little chat. After a bit of yelling, Tracy came back and told me that everything would be taken care of because she would have the dress dry cleaned for me.

The fitting was soon over and I had a chance to breath fresh air again once we stepped out of the shop. Tracy said she would return to pick up my dress a few days before the wedding so it could be dry cleaned. She told me that she would cover the expense and that she'd see me on the big day in the morning so we could all get ready together.

The glorious day came and so did a down pouring of rain in the early morning. We had hoped the day wouldn't be a total wash out since the wedding was supposed to take place outside. Tracy's mother kept trying to reassure her that everything would be fine while she started to get the little ones ready. I ducked into the bathroom with Tracy and started on her hair as I watched Tracy's poor mother running around the house with a little tux, frantically saying, "Patrick! Come here! The photographer will be here any minute!"

Tracy's hair was being a bit stubborn that day. She was becoming frustrated with the frizz and decided to spray her hair with hair spray while it was in the curling iron. A billow of smoke jumped from the iron as the smell of burnt hair filled the bathroom. Strands of hairs split into a million directions. I tried to tame the ever growing wild beast with a fine comb, fingers, and more hair spray. Once Tracy became satisfied with the amount of goo in her hair, she yelled to Samantha, her maid of honor, to get into the bathroom.

Samantha quickly ran in and asked if I would be so kind as to find where her little Matt had gone so he could finish getting dressed. She assured me that she wouldn't be too long, but she did need a little time to look pretty for all the eligible men that would be at the wedding. Figuring that my part of playing bridesmaid was to help everyone else get ready, I quickly sprang into action and found little Matt playing with Patrick in the living room. They had both stripped down to their Superman underwear again. I tried to coax them back into their suits while the photographer snapped away. Tracy was not very amused with her little one as she glanced at the clock.

"Dear Lord! We have to be at the hall in a half an hour! Kim why aren't you ready?" I gave Tracy a perplexed look and then proceeded to go get my dress in the bedroom.

"Oh, we won't have time for you to put on makeup. We have to do your hair."

"Don't worry about it. I can tuck my hair in a bun in about 5 minutes. All I need is my scrunchy. Have you seen it?" I asked as I unzipped the dry cleaning bag to take out my dress. I started to ruffle it out so I could put my feet in and a faded scent of vomit filled my nostrils. I held my breath for a bit until I could get into the bathroom undetected by the blushing bride. Frantic to rid my nose of the foul smell, I grabbed the nearest perfume and sprayed as much of the stained dress as I could with it. Once the gag reflex ceased, I was able to focus on my hair and proudly walked out of the bathroom in 5 minutes flat.

The limo arrived and we all got in and headed for the hall. The rain had stopped and the wedding was still going to take place outside. We all stood by the flowered gazebo, ready for the beautiful bride's entrance. As I was holding my pretty rose bouquet, I heard some buzzing. I looked down at the bouquet but could not find a bee.

Terrified of bees, I started to scan around the grounds to see where the buzzing was coming from. My eyes rested on my dress where a bit of yellow and black garnished the vomit and perfumed stained magenta sheered material. Not wanting to cause a scene, I tried to quietly swoosh the bee away from my dress, trying not to get stung. I managed to get him off of me for a short moment. He circled the bridal party and then tried to rest on me again. I started to freeze with fear. The bridesmaid next to me saw my ordeal and tried to swat at the bee.

He became mad and started to fly straight for the unsuspecting bride. She in turn saw him and tried to swat him with her bouquet. The stunned bee stopped circling for a bit and took refuge on the ground. The Justice of the Peace noticed the uninvited guest and started to wrap things up a bit more quickly so we could retire to the banquet hall inside. Relieved that the attack was over, I started to try and move my jellied feet to the door.

I don't remember too much more of the day after that. It was mostly all of a blur. I do remember not wanting to eat very much. The dress kind of killed my appetite. I also remember smiling a lot while saying everything was great and I was having a good time. Tracy seemed convinced, and with that, I knew I achieved my goal of making her less stressed for her special day.

The dress went into the trash after that day and my friendship with Tracy soon followed. Why you might ask? She didn't want anything to do with being a bridesmaid for my own wedding. I can't imagine why.