My New Year's Resolutions that Will Not Fail

Last week was my week to sit back and reflect on the year that was. I guess if I am going to look back on the past, it would behoove me to ponder my future. Accomplishments from last year have inspired me to take on more challenges this year. So, I have made out a list of things that I would like to make happen in 2011. While some of my goals might seem a tad "out there", I assure you that a great deal of thought has gone into each resolution to increase my chances of success.

1. I resolve to be the next Martha Stewart sans the prison sentence . I think with a little training, I might be able to amaze my houseguests with my baking, cooking and decorating skills. I figure that as the new and possibly improved Martha Stewart, I will not only be able make my own meals, but grow all the ingredients that go into those meals as well and then serve those meals on the dining room table that I will whittle from the pine tree that I cut down from my yard with my own homemade axe. Now, I know that some people might be shocked by my choice to emulate Martha. They thought that if I was going to emulate anyone, I would have chosen someone like Rachel Ray because she appears to be a happier and peppier person than Martha. However, if I am going to aspire to be a domestic diva star, I am going to pick a role model who makes the Pillsbury Dough Boy quake in fear. Yes, I am going for power this year, and think I will adapt well to it. At least, I will give it a try.

2. I resolve NOT to buy the next best hair straightening product that comes across my TV during a Sunday infomercial . I am not sure what happens to me during infomercials, but my gullibility seems to take over the common sense part of my brain. I see a celebrity like Melissa Gilbert, the Little House on the Prairie chick, and I think "Yes, she wouldn't lie to me about that miraculous shampoo that will make my hair smooth as silk. I can trust Laura Ingalls." So, I call up and order a cartload of shampoo and guess what, my hair is still not smooth as silk. So, I will not only reject these celebrity-endorsed shampoos but also the celebrity-endorsed curling iron/slash straighteners that promise to tame the wildest of manes. I have come to realize that it is not the shampoos or appliances that make the miracles happen but rather the hair-stylists-to-the-stars who do the infomercials that make the miracle hair happen. Since I am not willing to pay $350 for an hour session with one of these gods of the beauty world, I think my hair is going to stay as is. A quick post script: Accepting my hair girth does not mean I won't experiment with color. I'm thinking red in 2011.

3. I resolve to be a NASCAR Race Driver. My reasons for this goal are simple . I love to drive, and I am very good at it especially when my car is approaching the higher numbers on the speedometer. Also, I know how to pass well in both the left and right lanes, and I possess an unusual amount of patience with people who share the road with me. For example, when I am behind drivers who do not feel the need to drive the speed limit, I gently coax them into the right lanes by flashing my high beams incessantly because I know that the bright light will eventually blind them or drive them insane thus encouraging them to vacate the space directly in front of me allowing me to continue my driving journey at a reasonable rate of speed. Another reason why I think that I would make a dynamite NASCAR driver: No one needs directions to participate in the race. Everyone just make the same turns over and over until the race track people tell the drivers it's time to stop. Finally, NASCAR drivers wear one piece jumpsuits which can be a very slenderizing look especially if the background on the jumpsuit is black.

4. I resolve to learn how to ski . I already can snow tube, so why not ski? Okay, so it's true that snow tubing takes no balance or coordination. Any snow tuber will tell you that all one needs for a really good snow tube ride is two or three portly people to share your snow tube. A little weight makes for a really fast run down the hill. Nothing ruins a day on the mountain like being forced to share your tube with three anorexic models who not only do not make the snow tube go fast but make it so it gets stuck halfway down the hill which then requires everyone to roll out of the tube and push it to the bottom! Well, you get the picture. Anyway, this is why I want to ski. A good skiing experience depends solely on my abilities to get down the hill fast and, of course, gravity. With skiing, I don't have to guess the weight of the person sharing a lift with me to the top of the mountain. There is no reason to accidentally push that skinny person off the lift so that I can make sure I get put in a tube with the pleasantly plump person riding the lift in front of me. Yes, I think I might take to skiing. With skiing, I get fresh air, exercise, mental stimulation, a desire to commune with nature, and with any luck, weekly lessons from hot Swedish skiing instructor named Sven.