Myths About Rape, Part 1

I think the majority of misunderstandings about rape stem from this idea. No matter how often it's repeated, people fail to realize that rape is an act of violence, not an act of normal sexuality. I don't care how you define what sex is or should be, I think we can all agree that it is an intensely intimate joining. Forcing that intimacy changes the entire nature of the act into a violation - it's normal for men to want sex, but wanting it with an unwilling partner is a completely different animal.

Rape is not something that happens because a man gets aroused and can't control himself. It's not a normal temptation that all men face. It's something that happens because he's the sort of person who gets off on power, control, and the suffering of another human being.

If a women gives clear signals to a man that she wants to have sex with them, it's okay for him to rape her if she changes her mind.

Honestly, I don't even know how people justify this one. Even setting aside the fact that "clear signals" are utterly in the eye of the beholder, why is it such a radical concept that a woman has a right to control what happens with her own body?

The only reason this sort of nonsense is ever justified by anyone is that too many men let themselves believe that they have some degree of entitlement to women's bodies - and that any women who denies a man this "right" really ought to be put back in her place.

It's not "victim blaming" to point out that if a women places herself at risk (by dressing in skimpy clothes, being in dangerous places alone, drinking, etc.), it's her own fault if she gets raped.

I love how often people say they "aren't blaming the victim," but "she was responsible if..." "it was her fault if..." etc. Hmm...

Allow me to let you in on a little secret, here, language aficionados: when you use synonyms for the word "blame," in this way, you're actually still blaming her. (I know, you thought you were being clever.)

It's the same if you say she's "placing herself in danger." Last I checked, rape victims don't do anything to create the danger of being raped - that's all up to the rapists. How about we talk about them? They're human beings, you know, with choices and consciousness and everything.

Oh, and you've got to love the "skimpy clothes make men rape," argument. I got this one from a male friend recently. I asked him, if that was the case, how long did my skirt need to be to keep him from uncontrollably raping me? After all, he is a man.

If she didn't scream loud enough or fight back enough, it wasn't rape.

This man obviously wasn't really mugged because he didn't punch his attacker in the face. This family obviously wanted to be terrorized by a home invasion because they didn't even try to hog-tie the burglars. This prisoner couldn't have been tortured because the escape attempt he mounted was clearly only half-hearted.

Next question.

If she's had sex with him in the past, it's okay for him to rape her.

Can you spell, "entitlement," boys and girls? We don't often question the right of individuals to freely associate away from relationships, people, jobs, social situations, places, etc., that they no longer wish to be associated with. What possible reason is there to take this right away from women when it comes to former sex partners, except for those who believe that women are playthings and property?

If they're married, it can't be rape.

A lot of people get confused about this issue because they think it's a question of whether or not married men have a right to expect sex as part of a marriage. It's not. Rape is violence, and spousal rape is a form of domestic abuse. Men who rape their wives don't do it because they're hungry for sex, they do it because they're hungry for the thrill they get from controlling, hurting, violating, and terrorizing another human being.

The fact that so many women fantasize about rape means they really want to be raped.

Yes, rape fantasies are quite common. But fantasies, as we all know, are less than logical, and rape is often misunderstood. To many imaginations, both male and female, the fantasy of rape represents freedom from the shame we are taught to feel about taking control of our sexuality. Yet at the same time, rape fantasies, unlike real rape, are actually utterly in the control of the "victim" - they are perfect, custom-designed sexual encounters, but with an illusion of relief from responsibility.

As a comparison, how often do we imagine ourselves, in childhood or adulthood, as the heroes of great dangerous and death-defying adventure stories? In reality, similar situations are actually traumatic!

If she enjoys it, it's not rape.

First of all, women don't "enjoy" being raped.What this myth actually refers to is a situation in which a woman is being raped and experiences physical arousal; rape apologists claim this is a sign that she really wanted the rape to happen.

In truth, physical arousal can happen spontaneously and in defiance of our real wishes and desires. Arousal can happen in response to sexual stimulation, anxiety, or even asphyxiation (as evidenced by male hanging victims who often experience erection and orgasm even while suffocating to death). Nature is just weird sometimes.

Rape is a compliment to a woman's attractiveness.

This goes back to the "rape is about sex" misconception. Statistically speaking, women of all ages (and I do mean "all") have been rape victims, and since height, weight, size, shape, and attractiveness have no influence on whether a person can be terrorized, rapists often don't care.

This myth is not only responsible for women feeling that they have no right to complain about their rape (that they should somehow be "grateful,") but for other rape victims not having their stories believed ("He wouldn't rape you, you're not pretty enough!")