Naming the Filipino Baby

"Have You Decided On Names Yet?"

We had been joking about how to answer this, because we already agreed on a nice name for a girl; but for a boy's name, we seem to have run into more trouble than a knife-juggler with hiccups.

We felt so much more prepared in naming a girl.

And wouldn't you know it, we are going to have a boy. Go figure.

Jonathan Jr. was suggested, but the last thing I want is a little Mini-Me running naked around the living room--that's my job. There are articles in magazines like Parenting that suggest the name of the child can determine how he/she creates a self-image, and how society is set up to perceive him/her.

So my wife, who grew up in a Latino household, asks me what a typical common name for a Filipino boy would be.

Side A of my brain instantly recognized the impossibility of using the terms "typical", "Filipino" and "name" in the same sentence. It was like dividing a number by zero.

Side B of my brain however, working faster--but not always smarter--immediately blurted out "Jhun-Jhun" (Laura swears she heard the extra 'H'). She repeated the name, and made that face when you accidentally bite the brown parts of an apple.

So you see, this is actually more precarious than hostage negotiations.

I wanted something like "Jason"; my wife would hear nothing of the sort--what a hideous name! Why would I pick a name that when translated into Spanish is pronounced "haa-SON"? Much like if "Rusty" were translated into Tagalog, he would be named "Kalawang". It just doesn't roll off the tongue, for some reason. The meaning also changes from "shade of red" to "corroded metal".

You probably know that when some Filipinos name a pet or a child, the results hover between plain cruelty and clinical insanity.

Some parents combine their own names to scientifically produce a hybrid that is far uglier than each of the two original names.

Ergo: 'Jonathan' + 'Laura' = JonLaur, or LorJon, and is almost unisex either way. But in lieu of actually using these names, Laura prefers to combine my forehead with a rolled-up copy of Parenting Magazine at a rate of about once per second, until she can find a hockey stick.

Some parents combine preferred names or random words apparently beamed in from other galaxies: I have come across people named Renelflor, Anda, On-On, (named after the popular light-switch setting. Also because somebody already took Off-Off), Owan, Mic-Mic, Dondi, Djhari, Edsel, TinTin, BimBim, and finally, twin Siblings M.C. and M.R. (After the famous calculator buttons, of course. But it's been claimed that they stand for Marginal Cost and Marginal Revenue).

There are some names that Laura and I actually do agree on and wished to combine. But we have not discussed every combination. There are safer things to do, like shark- wrestling. That, and because we lost the small notebook we wrote the names in. But even if we found that notebook again and wrote down our final decision, it might still be detrimental: on the day of the birth, I could still turn to the wrong page, and I would have a son named, "PickUpDryCleaning, MakeTunaSalad".

PickUpDryCleaning, MakeTunaSalad Torres! Wow! How about that? Wouldn't you want to meet someone whose name even sounded remotely like that? Just to see what they looked like? What a terrific way to meet new people! Let me go suggest that to my wife right now and-- (Sound of hockey stick tap-tap-tapping the back of my chair)

On second thought, something with Luis, Michael or Gabriel sounds nice, too.

I have this fantastic urge to tell my wife how much I love her, and how cute she looks when she's glowing. And most of all, to remind her that I have this allergy to my head being cracked open and used to make a scoring goal.

We are going to really try again, but something tells me we will reach the right name much later. It should take time to find the name we both like, not just to reflect our personal taste, but how we are to present our child to society at large. It's worth taking the time; we have about five months to go. We may even find that little notebook where I wrote down the fine name of "WashTheCar,BuySomeCabbages"--

(TAP-TAP-TAP!)

Daniel. Something with Daniel sounds pretty good.

Disclaimer:

Laura was asleep the whole time this was being written, and we don't even have hockey sticks at home. Even if we did, she wouldn't do anything dangerous with it.