Narcissism and Divorce

Dealing with a narcissistic person is an endless battle. Adding divorce and custody issues makes each day a matter of survival, with no end in sight.

You have fallen in love with someone and you imagine living with this person the rest of your life. You start to experience their little quirks but you assume this is to be expected. Maybe if you act differently, things will get better. Nobody is perfect, right?

You continue on in this relationship, even though these quirks start to increase in size and frequency. Unfortunately, it happens so gradually that you do not realize what is happening until it is too late. Children are involved, which makes you determined to make things work.

Eventually, you have become so emotionally and physically exhausted by their treatment of you, that you are no longer attractive to them. They may have started having affairs, which of course will be your fault. They eventually decided to end the marriage.

What you do not know is that they have been planning their departure for a long time, mentally, legally and financially. When they make the official announcement of no longer wanting to be married, you are devastated. You are basically a quivering mass of raw meat, with no ability to function.

This type of person is known as a narcissist. Unfortunately, this personality disorder is becoming more and more common.

When some couples divorce, the process goes so easily, you wonder why they are divorcing. They seem to be able to deal with each other and the sharing of their children without a problem.

When divorcing a narcissist, you are in for the worst battle of your life. It is important that you have a large support group to help you. If their family members are supportive of your plight, this helps. Yet, keep in mind, they may understandably change sides.

You may end up needing the help of restraining orders if things get bad. Even if you think that this will not be necessary, document every confrontation with this person for future use. This is necessary post-divorce as well. Try to keep all communications through emails, and have a tape recorder attached to a phone. Before doing this, make sure that you check on what you have to do to make any recorded conversations submittable in court, if necessary.

The best defense against a narcissistic person is to be pro-active and ready to attack back if necessary. For instance, they will be surprised that you were able to muster the energy to actually find a lawyer within days of their announcement. Any kind of positive action on your part will throw them off.

Because of the mental and physical state most victims of narcissists are in, it will be very difficult for this person to continually be in a battle mode. If you find that you are unable to deal with this person, protect yourself by basically calling a time-out in order to regroup. The hardest thing to do is not give up.

The key thing to remember is they will cause you to doubt all your decisions - before, during, and after. The temporary backbone that you were able to find may start to crumble again, and you may end up putting your future at risk.

They may try to get you to make decisions quickly. This gives you little time to think clearly. You may end up making a choice that is extremely fatal. If you find yourself in this situation, back away, telling them that you will get back to them when you have thought about it. This will enrage them, and it will give you time to strengthen your resolve.

Try to keep yourself as physically fit as possible. Get enough rest and eat as best as you can. They will continue you to harass you until you are so exhausted you give in to what they want. This is especially true if things are not going as they have planned. They are easy to get along with as long as they get their way.

Try not to allow them to cause fear in you, even though you have already been primed through your marriage to be afraid. They cannot tolerate any shows of strength or determination. They thrive on seeing your fear. They may even threaten you, without coming out directly and saying what they will do. It may be physical, financial, or involve the custody of the children. The promise of harm can be enough to wear you down.

Unfortunately, in most cases, by the time this is all done, they will most likely still "win" in some way. They will even rejoice that even though they may have lost a battle or two, they have won the war. Sometimes, no matter how good your lawyer may normally be in regular divorce situations, they, as well as the courts, are usually no match for a narcissist. The narcissist has the ability to turn everything against you, making you look like a nut case, while they will come out smelling like a rose. It will be difficult to find a lawyer that is a match for a narcissist. Not many include this in their legal studies.

You must also be prepared to deal with the fact that you are his "narcissistic supply". Even if he is in a relationship with someone else, they will continually return to you to continually harass long after the divorce is over, in order to get their "fix". The reason for this is because it is easier to go back to the original source of pleasure than it is to train the new victim. The longer they can do this, the safer their new significant other will be.

If there are no children involved, you need to try to put as much distance between you and your ex-spouse as you can. Unfortunately, if you have children, you will constantly be available to his harassment.

For an abundance of information, the best source I have found is by Dr. Sam Vaknin. His information is so great on this subject. The more a person can find on how to handle a narcissist, the better chances their survival will be. One must remember that it will not happen overnight, and that one day, hopefully, you will be set free completely.