Narcissistic Mothers: Perfect Facade, Damaged Inside

Every child deserves to recognized and appreciated for his own unique identity. Children should be nurtured, their interests and talents encouraged and allowed to grow as they develop their own paths through childhood and into adulthood. While all parents have flaws and make mistakes, some children are forced to grow up with parents who are deeply disturbed, their lives shaped by narcissistic personality disorder.

People with narcissistic personality disorder seem, on the surface, to be quite normal--in fact, the disorder compels them to project an image of perfection. Underneath, though, people with this disorder feel vastly superior to others, and think they deserve special treatment because of how wonderful they are. They expect everyone to go along with their ideas and beliefs, and when that doesn't happen, they become extremely angry and vengeful. Narcissism isn't a disorder of rage and impulse, though; these people are far more likely to exact their revenge through calculated methods, all the while maintaining that they're doing nothing wrong. They may go out of their way to do nice things for people, but it's never "just being nice".

A person with narcissistic personality disorder will make sure the world knows every good deed she does, and will exaggerate minor acts of kindness to make herself look saint-like and the recipient of the deed like a poor vagrant who would have died without her help. If she gives a relative's child a dress for her birthday, she will likely turn around and tell the rest of the family that if not for her, the poor child wouldn't have anything at all to wear. The narcissist is incapable of true empathy, and cannot accept different points of view or ideas. If someone does not do things exactly the way the narcissist thinks they should be done, in her mind her is simply wrong, and it's her job to make things right. She believes that everyone should be educated the same way, hold the same religious beliefs, participate in the same activities... and if you don't raise your children in exactly her method, she may actually believe they are in danger, even if your core values are the same and your children are well-cared for.

While some women with personality disorders do get help, the nature of the disorder makes it go largely undiagnosed. People with narcissistic personality disorder cannot believe that there could be anything wrong with them so they never see the need to seek help. Many people are diagnosed by proxy, meaning that someone else describes the symptoms and behaviors to a therapist, who makes the diagnosis. Sadly, the people in the therapists' offices are often the children of women with narcissistic personality disorder, seeking help as adults for problems caused, at least in part, by the selfish parenting they received.

When a woman with narcissistic personality disorder has a child, she sees the baby as an extension of herself. Tiny and helpless, the infant depends on her for everything, feeding into her already inflated sense of self-importance. She has the child's life planned out already; in her mind, he will be exactly what she thinks he should be. In the early years, this woman will seem like any loving, attentive mother, because the child is simply too young to reject her ideas.

Once her children begin to develop their own personalities, the mother's attitude begins to change. When one of her children decides to do something that wasn't her idea or goes against her idea of the "perfect child", she takes it as a personal rejection. Thus begins the struggle between child and narcissistic mother, and no matter the outcome, the child always loses.

Let's take a look at a fictional family, to illustrate the life of a family in which the mother has narcissistic personality disorder. Lynette is a young mother of a baby girl, Anna. Anna is a cute enough baby, and soon proves to be quite bright. She speaks early and in complete sentences, and is reading well before she begins school. A happy, imaginative child, she thrives under her proud mother's attention for the first few years. Anna is soon joined by a brother, David, and a few years later, Gretchen is born. Through elementary school, Anna does well, and each report card finds her mother on the telephone to all her friends, bragging about her accomplishments. Anna, however, never receives praise directly, only punishment if she gets anything less than a stellar grade. The child is a gifted writer, but soon stops writing at all. Her parents will not allow her to skip the awards ceremonies that require the painfully shy child to be on stage, the center of attention. As with the report cards, Anna never heard from her mother that she did well with her writing--the focus was on the awards that were won. Anna is not allowed to choose her own clothing or hairstyle, and is in fact forced into unflattering styles that make her the butt of jokes at school. Outwardly, Lynette appears to be perfectly put-together and the ideal mother, but at home she is available to Anna only when a situation arises that allows the mother to be seen as the hero-when Anna is sick, for example. She has no interest in anything Anna does.

Meanwhile, David does well in school and is quiet at home. He is more reticent by nature, and is mostly ignored by his mother. When there is an argument or a fight between David and Anna, Lynette always takes David's side, and Anna is punished by being spanked with a paddle.

By the time Gretchen comes along, David is mostly invisible, and Anna has developed behavioral and emotional problems. She rebels and refuses to dress or wear her hair the way Lynette likes. Anna is clearly drinking and using drugs, but since this behavior does not directly affect Lynette, the behavior is ignored. Only when she is taken to court for truancy do the parents take any action, and the action is minimal: Lynette accompanies Anna to the court-ordered psychologist, but ignores the doctor's advice to get Anna help. Back home, the pattern continues: Anna acts out, and is grounded; the grounding allows Lynette to claim she's taking some action while not having to address the underlying problems Anna has. The narcissistic mother is now fully focused on Gretchen and molding her into the perfect child.

Anna and Gretchen illustrate perfectly the two extremes often seen in children of narcissistic mothers. Anna is clearly the "Black Sheep", and comes to believe her mother's opinion of her as worthless and ugly. She begins to go out of her way to destroy the life her mother has convinced her is not of any value. Gretchen, on the other hand, is the "Golden Child". She never quite develops her own personality, following her mother's training and commands and behaving as a miniature clone of Lynette. Her personality, attitudes and opinions all mirror her mother's. In exchange, Gretchen is showered with expensive gifts and is allowed to treat others horribly, even assaulting Lynette without any consequence. Though Gretchen has less innate intelligence than her siblings, the fact that she does well in a school far less challenging than the one Anna and David attended makes her the object of effusive praise from Lynette. If Gretchen receives a bad grade or a corrective remark from a teacher, it is always because the teacher dislikes Gretchen for being so smart and wonderful--nothing is ever Gretchen's fault. Her parents sit idly by while the teenaged Gretchen is nasty to everyone around her, including an elderly great-aunt and -uncle. As long as she presents the perfect face, Gretchen can do no wrong.

And what of David? David is quiet and compliant, still the invisible child. He is not treated as badly as Anna, but is not afforded Gretchen's privileges either. He grows up to be easily manipulated and controlled.

Fast-forward into Anna, David and Gretchen's adulthood. Anna is married with three children; David is divorced with a young son, and Gretchen works in the same field as Lynette. After surviving a turbulent adolescence, Anna turned her life around and built a successful writing career. After struggling for years with the emotional issues that plagued her as a child, she finally sought the help that was denied her by her mother. Regardless of her success, Lynette continues to see Anna as a failure, simply because she chose a path different than the one Lynette laid out for her. When speaking to relatives, Lynette never mentions anything positive in Anna's life, pretending instead that the struggles her daughter had years before are still a problem. David's life is worthy of a casual mention, and Lynette simply ignores the fact that he is divorced and struggling at his job. Gretchen is the topic of every conversation Lynette is involved in. If Anna mentions a lucrative book deal or that David got a promotion, Lynette makes a brief noise of acknowledgment and embarks on a monologue about some minor thing that Gretchen has done. Despite the fact that both older children have families and jobs of their own, Lynette expects them to cater to her whims, and Gretchen's. She reschedules family events at the last minute and gets angry when Anna or David can't accommodate the change. She expects Anna to be present for all of Gretchen's community theatre performances, but cannot be troubled to attend Anna's daughter's gymnastics meets, even the ones close to her home, during which the child was getting awards. Lynette criticizes Anna's parenting, going so far as to accuse her abusing and neglecting her children, though all are thriving. She is cruel to Anna's disabled son, actually yelling at him for doing things typical of a child with his condition. Lynette clearly cannot tolerate anything but her idea of perfection. She is prone to nasty outbursts against Anna when Anna parents her children responsibly. When Anna is forced to make Lynette leave her home after a particularly ugly tirade, Lynette lies to other members of the family in an attempt to turn them against Anna. She even tries to illegally access medical records for Anna's disabled son. Even though his disability requires the family to be seen by myriad medical professionals who all believe Anna is a good mother and that her son is getting excellent care, Lynette refuses to believe it. Why?

Because she is angry at Anna simply for being Anna.

The effects of narcissistic parenting go beyond the emotional. The "Black Sheep" often get only minimal medical care, if any, and this can lead to physical problems late in life. While Gretchen gets the best medical and dental care available, Anna and David were taken to the doctor only when not doing so would draw attention to Lynette's neglect. Had anyone reported it when they were children, Anna and David's mother may have been found guilty of medical neglect, especially after ignoring Anna's obvious need for psychiatric care as an adolescent.

These are imaginary people. Each case of narcissistic mothering is different, but the behaviors exhibited by Lynette, and Anna and Gretchen's responses to the way they were parented, are typical of families like this.

There is, of course, always the possibility of a positive outcome. Lynette will likely never change, and Gretchen may be too entangled in her mother's personality to do anything but follow in her footsteps. Anna and David, however, may take the lessons they learned at their mother's side and use them to enable them to be better parents and better people. Anna is always conscious of her responses to her children, and makes sure that they are allowed to explore their own interests. Discipline is fair and age-appropriate, and Anna seeks out the best medical care for all of her children, researching things the doctors suggest and working in conjunction with them to ensure that her children are as healthy as possible-both physically and emotionally. After seeing the effects of an undiagnosed mental illness on their own childhoods, Anna and David both work hard to understand and improve any shortcomings they have, working within the limits they know exist. Rather than belittling their children for who they aren't, they accept and love them for exactly who they are.

If you are the child of a mother with narcissistic personality disorder, remember that it is not your fault. She may try to make you believe that you are less-than, but this is simply part of her disorder. Remember that she is missing out on the best parts of life by being so self-focused, and try to feel pity rather than anger toward her. You can use your experience to make your life better, and that of your children, and if her behavior becomes dangerous or hurtful, you have no obligation to continue contact with her. Cutting a parent out of your life may seem harsh, but therapists agree that sometimes that's the only way to gain peace and move on with a meaningful, productive life.

ref: Mayo Clinic