NASCAR's Tony Stewart Got Spanked

NASCAR's Tony Stewart got spanked. Not on the racetrack. That rarely happens. But off the track, where Tony Stewart's worst enemy is Tony Stewart, he shot himself in the foot yet again. That much is not unusual. What is unusual is that I'm defending him.

For those of you living in ignorant bliss of NASCAR, Stewart said officials of the sport were calling debris cautions to manipulate the outcomes of the races and that NASCAR is comparable to professional wrestling. In other words, NASCAR's fixed. Say it ain't so, Joe. Of course, he's exactly right. NASCAR's as fixed as my neighbor's dog, but that doesn't mean it can't pretend not to be with anything that moves in the yard. Like all sports, NASCAR is heavily favorited towards fan favorites and the anti-heroes (read Jeff Gordon and Tony himself). And while it may not be as fixed as the WWE, it's at least scripted as well as Days of our Lives. It is, after all, just one big soap opera for guys.

But NASCAR's more than just that. It's a money making machine, with sponsors and endorsement deals coming out of its ears. Do you know what color Dale Earnhardt's Chevrolet is? If you said red, you're wrong. It's Bud. And Kurt Busch is apparently drinking too many Miller Lites before he races the Miller Lite Ford. The entire sport is based on money and what makes money more than ratings, and what gets ratings more than drama? Did you hear that Jeff Gordon and Jimmie Johnson had a lover's spat after Jeff raced Jimmie hard at Martinsville?

And then a couple weeks later, Gordon had the balls to drive his Dupont Chevrolet Impala around the track with a #3 Dale Earnhardt flag because he tied the Intimidator's record? Seems only die hard Earnhardt fans are upset about that, and those people ignorant enough to not know that Big E and Gordon were friends. Friends, I say, which is a hard concept to grasp in the "As the Wheels Turn" soap that people subscribe to every weekend. After all, it's hard to conceive Superman and Lex Luthor as buddies and the only difference between Lex and NASCAR's Gordon is the latter has more hair.

So the truth hurts and Tony Stewart's pillow talk to the press threatens NASCAR being outed. But would race fans care if they suddenly discovered NASCAR's dark secret? I reckon they wouldn't. Wrestling fans don't. Why don't they? For the same reason we all secretly love the Jerry Springer show. Because the sport itself is not enough. We long for personalities, wild personas and interwoven plots and conflicts. We need the rivalries and movie star good looks. We need the villains and heroes. In short, we need the drama because sometimes the drama in our own lives is not enough.

So preach on, Tony Stewart. Your crybaby whining is spot on, if a bit immature. NASCAR may fine you and keep you after school for detention for your crazy antics, censoring one of the very freedoms they claim to love in their nationalistic pre-race anthem rituals. But just remember, it's all part of the act. Every last detail is written into the script, even one of their own dropping hints about NASCAR's true nature. How clever, too clever for the typical race fan to catch. Somewhere the gods of NASCAR are laughing.