National Enquirer Sues Tabloid for Defamation

The National Enquirer has filed suit against Gossip Times magazine after an article was printed alleging that The National Enquirer engaged in hiring alien vampires on a large-scale basis.

"We cannot believe that a magazine would print such a story," said Kate Lombard, Public Relations agent from The Enquirer, "it is very irresponsible reporting to print stories that have no factual basis."

The disputed article was printed in March 2007. The article alleges that 97% of The Enquirer's employees are actually aliens from an undiscovered planet, and that they also engage in vampirism as a means of sustenance.

"The story is not unfounded," countered Erica Jones, employee of Gossip and author of the article, "we followed up on an anonymous tip which we found is grounded in fact."

The anonymous tip came in January, when a caller phoned the Gossip Times, alleging that The Enquirer is comprised of a bunch of blood-sucking jerks from another planet.

"I got this call and naturally, my interest was piqued," stated Jones, "so I did some checking, and there actually is a factual basis for this claim."

Jones has gone to great lengths to defend Gossip's position. "I think the original caller referred to Enquirer employees as 'blood-sucking leeches' while we at Gossip feel that the term 'vampire' is more accurate, given the fact that Enquirer employees not only live off of others like parasites, but they literally suck the life right out of their victims, while leeches don't quite have that great of an effect. So really, we took a very responsible approach when we corrected that label."

Despite Jones' argument that the story is grounded in fact, The Enquirer is seeking relief in court.

"Erica Jones knows full well that this whole story is based on nothing more than manipulation of fact and word play, and that any truth to this rumor is minimal," stated Thomas Boone, founder and editor of Enquirer magazine. I am personally appalled that such twisting of alleged facts could occur in the media industry."

The article even featured a photo of some alleged employees of Enquirer, which The Enquirer argues were taken out of context.

"It is true that these are photos of our employees," admitted Boone, "but what Gossip failed to note is that these employees are dressed up for a Halloween party, so of course some of them are dressed as vampires. I can't believe the length to which these people have gone to in order to print their falsehoods."

When asked about the possibility of a settlement in the case, The Enquirer stated that they would not accept one.

"The company's credibility and reputation has been damaged in this case and we will not settle," explained Enquirer's attorney John Samson, "Gossip has engaged in manipulation of words and photos to create a false reality, and that cannot be allowed to continue in the media. I intend to put a stop to it...at least in this case."

(Please note that the characters and facts in this article are pure fiction and intended for humor only).