National Weekday Month

Universe Experts are trying to convince us that, after a short 23,000-year snooze, the Zodiac moved.

Maybe the Zodiac had a bad dream, or got a leg spasm. Or maybe these experts got a severe head injury after getting kicked by a Zodiac leg spasm.

My guess is that these people sell Zodiac memorabilia, and are trying to recover from a slump. So I've thought of a way for you and me to make some money. A way to get in on this spike in astrology action.

Since the sky's shifted, I'm guessing it's high time somebody created an updated companion calendar. Remember, there are now 13 star signs! So I'll get to work on a new 13-month calendar, and you go round up one more underage nubile bikini-clad Female-Curve-Exhibit dysfunctionally posed on a motorcycle, or a tanned half-naked fireman.

Right now, you might be thinking, "Hey! Who died and made YOU Calendar King?" Or you might not. You might be thinking about firemen, or Curve Exhibits. But, in any case, let's review how we got stuck with our current calendar. For our intellectual journey, we'll turn to the Internet. (That last sentence, of course, is its own joke.)

The first Julian calendar was chiseled in 45 BC (literal translation: "Before X-mas"). But other people, who also sell calendars, refer to that same year as 709 AUC ("Anno Urbis Conditae"), while still others think the year was 753 AUC ("A lot of Useless Calendars").

These calendar squabbles, carbon-dating games and price wars went on for Cs of years, until the Dollar Store was invented in the year 537 AUD ("All Under a Dollar"). For the first time, calendars were made available to the general public, so now even regular folk could be late for stuff, too.

And all went well for about IV minutes, until an outbreak of Emperor Justinian resulted in a decree to correct a Late Antiquity (literal translation: "Daylight Savings Time"), which ultimately didn't matter much, given that the bubonic plague outbreaked around 540 AD ("A lot of Doom").

But something was still off. Earlier, in 248 AD ("Attention Deficit"), Philip the Arab (apparently, in the year 248, there was just the one Arab) had celebrated the First Millennium of Rome, together with Ludi saeculares (literal translation: "ludicrous Super Bowl ticket prices") for Rome's alleged tenth 110 years. And it was just this kind of meaningless, mind-numbing tripe that made people call it the "Dark Ages."

Then, in 1582 AD, Pope Gregory XIII took the advice of Aloysius Lilius, a doctor from Naples, and finally scheduled a colonoscopy. (I made that up. Gregory postponed the exam for another XXI anni.) But based on Dr. Al's advice, Gregory changed everybody's calendar, and made it official by releasing a papal bull. Once released, the bull migrated to Pamplona, Spain, where it met Ernest Hemingway. (I made that up. They actually met in Key West.) Pope Gregory XIII finally succumbed to an entirely preventable colon disorder. He was survived by Pope Super Bowl XIV.

The Gregorian calendar is still in use today, at least until we outbreak our new 13-month calendar. (I'm still looking for an affordable papal bull.) The Gregorian calendar established a more stable Leap Year Day. Leap Year Day is also known as a Bissextile Day. And bissextile is one of those words you just have to stare at for a few minutes, to make sure you're not missing anything, especially if you're extremely immature.

Admittedly, our current calendar could use a little work. For example, January was named for Janus, an ancient Sabine "dancer" who thought she was AD ("All Dat"). As we now know, thanks to carbon-double-dating, her name was actually Janice, but she lived in the Pre-Dark Ages, in an era before ice had been invented. Some say that Janice was not a woman that I once dated, but was, in fact, a two-faced self-proclaimed deity, and I see no conflict between their story and mine.

And according to the Internet, our current calendar is virtually littered with odd holidays, too.

Each new year, our calendar cleverly kicks off with ... New Year's Day. What a sad commentary on the state of marketing departments during the Dark Ages! Maybe they were just a little off their best game, what with the bubonic plaque outbreaking all over the place. Maybe they were still a bit blurry, due to having invented New Year's Eve first.

It gets worse. Let's review:

January's list of holidays includes a Feast of Fabulous Wild Men Day and a Humiliation Day. Actually, that kinda makes sense. On the other hand, it's both National Bath Safety Month and, in case you mess that up, National Blood Donor Month. There's a National Nothing Day and the more inclusive International Skeptics Day. And we find a Penguin Awareness Day, shoved in there somewhere in-between Wild Men and Humiliation.

For some reason, February has become known as the month for Romance, and it viciously guards that moniker. We have Valentine's Day, of course, but it's also National Weddings Month. On the other hand, there's International Flirting Week and Singles Awareness Day.

Lovely. Single guys get One. Day. Thanks a lot.

In March, some people celebrate Saint Patrick, but I don't, because I don't live in Ireland. Saint Patrick got rid of snakes, but he got rid of them in the wrong country. But, for the rest of us, we have a Goddess of Fertility Day, appropriately followed by Proposal Day. In March, we also celebrate Extraterrestrial Abductions Day, when we honor various rural American citizens, who all seem to live in "modular homes" and are all, inexplicably, named Zeke. And March has a Multiple Personality Day, too. Or two. Days. Or two days, too. Oh, shut up! No, you shut up!

April is National Humor Month, which explains both April Fool's Day and the federal tax code. It's National Welding Month, too, though you almost never see any "Happy Welding!" or "During This Time of Annealing" greeting cards. April also hosts Take A Chance Day (not to be confused with Tax Fraud Indictment Day). April's oddly-named Walk Around Things Day sounds interesting, too. And should you forget to walk around things, there's the handy Plan Your Epitaph Day.

Cinco de Mayo is on the fifth of May, and it means "the fifth of May," and as far as I can tell, it celebrates the fact that it's the fifth of May. (I challenge one story on the Internet, claiming that it's a celebration of sandwich condiments.) May's calendar also celebrates both No Socks Day and Lost Sock Memorial Day. And speaking of mayonnaise, May is National Asparagus Month, as well as the "National Month" for eggs, strawberries, salad (but not egg salad), barbecue, hamburgers, and mental health. I don't know how Mental Health got shoehorned in here, in the middle of a bunch of food, and in the middle of the year, but I bet Congress was involved.

And just as everybody stops worrying about mental health, June sneaks up on us with National Accordion Awareness Month. Man, that's cold. That's just wrong.

Interestingly, July has a reputation as being unlucky for weddings. Maybe that's because of July's Nude Recreation Week. On the other hand, it's National Anti-Boredom Month, so...pick a weekend.

August was named for Humiditus, a cruel god who was banished to Southern Olympus, forced to wear flannel in summer, and despised humanity for creating ice. Thus, in August, it's too hot to do anything useful, so we sweat our way through National Eye Exam Month and that perennial crowd-pleaser, Wiggle Your Toes Day. Perhaps not so coincidentally, August is also Admit You're Happy Month which, you'll notice, closely coattails July's infamous "wedding blues."

I didn't realize the scope of the crisis, but September plays host to International Square Dancing Month. Apparently, it's not just an American issue. Apparently, square dancing is an international problem, like the bubonic plague. So warn your children: square dancing respects no borders. It's a gateway drug that could lead to polka, perhaps even to ... disco.

September is also National Chicken Month and Mold Awareness Month. And on a lighter note, come the second of September, we all rally round and do ... um ... well, whatever it is people do ... for National Beheading Day. (Thinking about a theme party? For 2 September, the Internet's recommended "recipe for the day" is carrot cake.)

Halloween wraps up October, but before we can slip out of October, we must celebrate World Egg Day, Moldy Cheese Day and Count Your Buttons Day. October is also the Sarcastic Month, which is blisteringly obvious, given that October is both National Vegetarian Month and Eat Country Ham Month.

November, according to the Internet, is International Drum Month. But according to the Internet, so is October. Lovely. Two whole months, dedicated to drums.

Single guys? One. Day.

And then there's December, a special time when we smile, and we sing, and we gather together with our family and friends in meditative love, thanks and worship, as we celebrate the birth of ... the flashlight. Yes, Virginia, there is a National Flashlight Day.

Yeah, I think this calendar's overdue for an upgrade. And we still have to come up with a whole new month! I'm leaning toward Octemberary.

But I better run it by Janice.

By the way - December's also known as National Bingo Month, and we had better grab it and hang on tight. The way things are going in these post-bubonic times, Bingo may be as close to a religion as we'll get.