NBA Player Tim Hardaway and Film Critic Michael Medved are an Odd Couple Joined in Bigotry

Tim ("I hate gay people") Hardaway recently apologized for his homophobic remarks, his agent pointing a loaded checkbook at his head.

"As an African-American, I know all too well the negative thoughts and feelings hatred and bigotry cause. I regret and apologize for the statements that I made that have certainly caused the same kinds of feelings and reactions."

Of course Hardaway's humiliating mea culpa had nothing to do with NBA commissioner David Stern banning the former Miami Heat guard from the All-Star Weekend in Las Vegas, I'm sure. Still, his sudden turnaround is as miraculous as Pastor Ted's defiant claim of being "100% homosexual." (Oh, remember Ted Haggard? The ex-President of the National Association of Evangelicals who was caught with in a motel room with a male prostitute smoking crystal meth? Even now, he says he didn't inhale or swallow. Is anyone surprised that Haggard was an outspoken critic of gay marriage?)

Now, although Hardaway was deservedly condemned for his antigay slurs, he found an unexpected ally who defended him: Michael Medved.

Yeah, that's right, the film critic Michael Medved. Taking time from his busy schedule of praising bad movies and wagging a disapproving finger at those godless liberals in Hollywood, Medved said that Hardaway had a valid point.

"Tim Hardaway (and most of his former NBA teammates) wouldn't welcome openly gay players into the locker room any more than they'd welcome profoundly unattractive, morbidly obese women," Medved wrote on his blog. "I specify unattractive females because if a young lady is attractive (or, even better, downright "hot") most guys, very much including the notorious love machines of the National Basketball Association, would probably welcome her joining their showers. The ill-favored, grossly overweight female is the right counterpart to a gay male because, like the homosexual, she causes discomfort due to the fact that attraction can only operate in one direction. She might well feel drawn to the straight guys with whom she's grouped, while they feel downright repulsed at the very idea of sex with her."

Jesus.

Was there anybody Medved didn't offend with that idiotic statement?

Hey, Michael.

Take another Xanax, O.K.? Drink another shot of Johnny Walker Red. Relax. Repeat.

It's really quite simple, no matter how loudly you and your fellow bigots try to shout over the truth:

Sexual desire is something hardwired into us from birth. There's a switch in your head that's gonna click when you look at a) Clive Owen, b) Nicole Kidman, or c) Clive and Nicole. So, to be blunt, your dick ain't standing at attention unless it sees someone it likes. Otherwise, it's gonna be as limp as some unlucky schmuck who foolishly read one of your movie reviews.

That's why I find your so-old-it-creaks locker room analogy so ridiculous. If you're straight, but not a clueless social retard, a naked guy is a just a naked guy. If you're gay you'll either think "Hmmm, nice!" and you'll keep it to yourself or you'll scream, "Jesus, that creep is a fat slug--Hey! It's Rush Limbaugh!" and run away in horror.

Where the problem begins is when confused and/or straight-guys-who-don't-know-they're gay try to figure out what's going on in their heads when they see a naked guy in the shower, or a guy in Speedos on the beach, or any guy that provokes an immediate and unwanted response from their treacherous dick.

When that happens, what usually makes these idiots feel better is yelling "faggot" at somebody.

And that's usually when people like Matthew Sheppard die.

Fuck you, Michael. You and others of your ilk help create this hateful environment of homophobia just because you're not man enough to reconcile your own confusion about your sexual identity, so you take it out on others who don't want to share your closet. After reading your slander, I had fantasies of seeing you as the new guy in an episode of "Oz" and you're in the shower room surrounded by thugs.

But then I thought, why give you what you want? Maybe Hardaway can join you.