NBA Western Conference Playoff Predictions

Once the dust settles in the West, pardner, ain't gonna be a dry eye in the place. That's because the Utah Jazz, the most underrated team in these parts since Warren Steed Jeffs and his motley crew of misfit cowboys masquerading as religious people, will gladly shuffle its boots up and create a cloud of dust, through which guard Deron Williams shall appear, bearing gifts to the promised land. That's the ball, not heaven, for those of you not aware of Williams and the hard-working unit to which he pays homage every night. Chris Paul of the New Orleans Hornets may get all the credit and the All-Star nod, but it's Williams who whupped the San Antonio Spurs 90-64. I didn't see Paul doing that at any point in the season against the Spurs.

At this point four teams have already clinched playoff spots. New Orleans, San Antonio, L.A. Lakers and Utah. Let's break down the teams, seeds and current match-ups in the wild West.

CURRENT PLAYOFF TEAMS AND SEEDING

1 New Orleans Hornets vs. 8 Denver Nuggets/Golden State Warriors

2 San Antonio Spurs vs. 7 Dallas Mavericks

3 Los Angeles Lakers vs. 6 Phoenix Suns

4 Utah Jazz vs. 5 Houston Rockets

Despite being the No. 1 seed in the West having already clinched that spot, the Hornets will act like they've never been there before, which will be particularly worrisome going against the Denver Nuggets, who have never seen a shot they didn't like. It's not guaranteed the Hornets will take on the Nuggets in the one-versus-eight-seed match-up since George Karl's team is fighting for the final spot with the Golden State Warriors, another team who likes to take shots from San Francisco even though the arena is in Oakland. Put the Hornets in either of those cities and AI will light up the denizens from the Big Easy for 50 from his Mile High home. Conversely, Stephen Jackson may get kicked out of the game but not before he goes for 30, eliciting cheers from people in yellow tee shirts and creating the type of atmosphere in the Bay the Hornets don't need. And yeah, before you ask, I did watch Paul go for a triple-double today, helping beat the Warriors. But the Hornets didn't play the game in Oakland.

San Antonio is back, too, with mastermind coach Gregg Popovich devising schemes straight out of a counter-intelligence manual/basketball encyclopedia. As an Air Force veteran I know what people are capable of in San Antonio, making me guzzle eight glasses of salt water per meal and dehumanizing me to the point of feeling like a trained monkey. For years I'm sure that's what the rest of the NBA felt like. And though it would be so appropriate to have Phoenix play San Antonio after watching Steve Nash get all disoriented and bloody, famously, it's more likely the Spurs will take on Dallas. The Mavericks are essentially the opposite of the Spurs even though its coach Avery Johnson is a byproduct of the Spurs system. The only other team capable of making noise and headlines in Texas is Dallas, who went the retirement route nabbing Jason Kidd from New Jersey and making youthful and spritely Josh Howard their other go-to guy, outside of Dirk Nowitski. The issue with Dallas is Nowitski and his injury-plagued season. Will he be healthy enough to lead Dallas far? Not in San Antonio. The all-Texas match-up won't be decided until the final game but anybody with a knowledge of basketball knows the Spurs are awfully difficult in the postseason. It's almost like they don't play all-out until the playoffs begin, anyway.

That said, there are other teams in the West who may contend for the title. The current no. 3 seed Los Angeles Lakers went out and just picked up Pau Gasol, who had been toiling in Memphis and it wasn't with the Tigers, I'll tell you what. Combine his ability to put up 20 and 10 every night with Kobe's ability to leap out of the gym and score 40 on anybody and a rapidly improving Jordan Farmar at guard and the Lakers may again have the right combination it hasn't had since Shaq and Kobe put on a show and Jack Nicholson could actually see the floor. But wait, didn't I just say Shaq? Oh yeah, the other team who could make some noise in this playoff series is Phoenix, the Lakers' current playoff opponent if it started today. The Valley of the Sun is currently serving as Shaq's retirement home, much the same way it did when Charles Barkley played there. As a point of reference, Barkley did also lead the Suns to the NBA Finals before he started yakking uncontrollably on TNT. While I don't see the same career choice for Shaq given his less-than-stellar but absolutely hilarious delivery, I do see Shaq donning a badge, perhaps for Sheriff Joe Arpaio, although I'd hope he wouldn't. Lucky for Shaq he has a talented supporting cast in Steve Nash and Boris Diaw, neither of whom have seen a shot they didn't think about taking. Come to think of it, nobody on the Phoenix Suns roster has seen a shot they didn't think about taking but that's not the point of this rant.

And finally we come to the most intriguing match-up of the playoffs, the no. 4 seed Utah Jazz and the no. 5 seed Houston Rockets. Honestly, the Jazz could be more annoying than a federal agent serving a cease-and-desist warrant in Colorado City. And the Rockets only ripped off 22 straight wins in February and March before finally succumbing to the gods, the Boston Celtics. It almost didn't seem fair watching that game and knowing that history has a weird way of representing itself. The Jazz have quietly amassed another 50-win season, their 13^th in two decades. Deron Williams didn't get to the All-Star game but he has had the fans asking "Derek Who?" now that their former savior Derek Fisher traded in the Jazz colors for something more contemporary in L.A. with the Lakers. The biggest surprise of the season has been the re-emergence of Andrei Kirilenko, who had more dirt on him than a Moscow hooker after a rainstorm. AK-47 has his guns blazing and it's opened up the lanes for the inside banging of Carlos Boozer and his usual 20-10 night. But the reason the Jazz must be considered a threat for the whole shebang is their acquisition of Kyle Korver, a perfect fit for the Jazz given his religious upbringing. Even though Sloan made the Ashton Kutcher-lookalike cut his hair per team policy Korver has become the one thing the franchise has lacked since Darrell Griffith retired: a pure shooter. The Rockets have Tracy McGrady but the story of the season has been the defense of Shane Battier, a player whose IQ is probably higher than the entire Golden State Warriors team. His defensive IQ is off the charts, too. He's shut down LeBron, made Kobe look like chopped liver and run Chris Paul out of the building. Even without Yao Ming in the middle the Rockets have played well with an unsung cast. Rafer Alston was known more for his playground legend status (They called him "Skip to my Lou" in New York playground circles) but he has become a reliable floor general and is the team's second leading scorer.

In sum I hope the seeding stays the way it is right now. The only teams who could flip-flop are San Antonio and Los Angeles, since the Lakers have the easier road to get five more wins in the last two weeks. The Jazz only have five games remaining but should they slide into the no. 3 spot if the Spurs start dropping games like they did in Utah, they would get Phoenix. That's not a favorable match-up compared to Houston, a team the Jazz beat last year in convincing fashion. Houston's defense has more holes than my son's blue jeans after a long day of play but the good news for them is two games against the Clippers. That's medicine that goes down the gullet smoothly. The Suns probably have the most to lose in the next two weeks, getting zero relief in their final five. The Mavericks have the most ground the gain but they also have an easy end to their schedule with two games versus Seattle. Looming for the Nuggets are dogfights with Golden State, Utah and Houston sandwiched between the Clippers and Memphis. And finally Golden State has four must-win games versus Seattle, Sacramento and the Clippers and the afore-mentioned battle against Denver that will likely decide who goes and who stays home on April 10.

PREDICTED PLAYOFF SEEDING

1 New Orleans Hornets

2 San Antonio Spurs

3 Los Angeles Lakers

4 Utah Jazz

5 Houston Rockets

6 Phoenix Suns

7 Dallas Mavericks

8 Golden State Warriors