Neo-Chickenhawks on the Run

Faced with opposition from the American people to President Bush's 'surge" plan in Iraq, and in a last ditch effort for "victory", the White House early last week instructed the Pentagon to activate the elite Strategic Neo-Chickenhawk Reserve.

White House Press Secretary Tony Snow, a neo-chickenhawk himself, said at yesterdays press briefing that, "President Bush realizes that victory in Iraq is of such importance that it will now be necessary to call on our last resort super weapon - the American neo-chickenhawks."

When asked by reporter Jacob Chilcutt how the neo-chickenhawks, also known as NC's, could turn the tide in Iraq, Snow replied, "Well Jacob, President Bush, the Decider, has come to the conclusion that the neo-chickenhawks, with their bravery and battle skills honed around the countries water coolers, bars and Thanksgiving tables, are our best chance for victory in Iraq."

Later in the briefing, Snow offered further reassurances for the Presidents neo-chickenhawk plan, stating that, "Our rural neo-chickenhawks, with their pick up trucks and pinpoint marksmanship, gained through hours of hunting defenseless, unsuspecting deer, and sometimes even rabbits, will certainly be able to bring security to Baghdad. Not to mention our urban and suburban neo-chickenhawks, who have proven their toughness and valor shouting down pansy-ass, freedom hating liberals-or for you politically correct folks - cut & runners."

In Congress, the White House announcement of the NC round-up has sparked instant outrage from Republicans, who claim that the timing is inappropriate for the deployment of Americas powerful Strategic Neo-Chickenhawk Reserve.

During a heated House debate yesterday, Republican congressman Patrick McHenry, and chairman of the House Neo-Chickenhawk Caucus stood up and exclaimed, "The Strategic Neo-Chickenhawk Reserve has been set aside for only the most desperate, last resort occasions. I find it abhorrent that a Republican president would risk America's greatest asset while there are still plenty of willing victims-ummm-I mean volunteers, left in our military forces. I demand that the Congress move to block this effort!! I will not stand idly by while my neo-chickenhawk brothers and sisters are inconvenienced and disrespected so badly!!"

In the Senate, independent democratic senator Joe Lieberman, who just one day earlier expressed support for President Bush's "surge" plan and forcefully described opponents to the presidents efforts as "treasonous", called for impeachment and then broke down in tears crying, "Does the president not realize how he is hurting the neo-chickenhawks of this country? Does he not realize how many more regular joe volunteers are still available to be sacrificed for our misguided conflicts? Why would he do this to the neo-chickenhawks now? Why?! Whyy!?! Whyyy!?!?!"

Distressed by Lieberman's vulnerable state, Democratic Senator Ted Kennedy requested that the Senate should "call the waaambulance for Senator Lieberman". His suggestion was turned down by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, who informed Kennedy that the waaambulance was busy dealing with Congressman Patrick McHenry.

Prominent NC's in the media have expressed outrage as well. Last week, on Glenn Beck's CNN Headline News show, Beck's guest Ann Coulter lamented, "Drudge has disclosed that Bill Clinton has abducted the president and swapped faces with him like Nick Cage and Travolta did in that movie Face Off. He is now posing as the president and has decided to inconvenience America's truly patriotic neo-chickenhawk heroes. It has also been confirmed that Cindy Sheehan is posing as Dick Cheney-so Clinton is clearly to blame for this." As Coulter proudly chortled in the background, Beck expressed agreement, "Absolutely Ann. I can't believe more people can't approach these issues with the same kind of common sense you and I do-it's just incredible." Shortly after the Beck episode aired, Beck and Coulter disappeared and have not been seen since, and the Bill Clinton/Face Off theory is still unsubstantiated. The official response from the White House states, "Although Bill Clinton is responsible for all bad things that have happened in the past twenty years, there is no evidence that he and Cindy Sheehan have swapped faces with President Bush and VP Cheney-this is pure Hollywood fiction."

Similarly, Sean Hannity, radio and TV superstar and president of the National Neo-Chickenhawk Coalition, is nowhere to be found. Sean Hannity Show intern Jessica McDilly claims that upon receiving the news that the White House was to activate the neo-chickenhawks, Hannity bolted from his chair and never returned. There have been reported Hannity sightings at the Mexican border. One witness claims he witnessed Hannity dressed in a yellow & green tie die T-shirt, buying marijuana in Tijuana, but this cannot be confirmed at this time. Another unconfirmed sighting took place at a Tijuana strip club, where witnesses claim a drunken Hannity attempted a pole dance.

Given their zeal for warfare, the Pentagon expected a smooth transition for NC's from civilian life to Iraq combat zones. However, thus far, many NC's have yet to respond to their call to duty. Pentagon representative, Lt Col. James Dongle, attributes the NC's slow response to a number of factors, including the possibility that the NC's simply have not gotten the news due to their tendency of ignoring the "liberal" media, and/or their "sheer cowardice and lack of integrity."

To speed up NC deployments, the Pentagon has dispatched military recruiters to round-up those who have not reported for duty. Bridgeport, CT Army recruiter, Staff Sgt. Willy Woolly says, "Ordinarily we could simply follow the sounds of the Sean Hannity Radio show in order to track down neo-chickenhawks. However, due to Mr. Hannity's mysterious disappearance, we have been forced to stake out dealerships where SUV's and pick-up trucks are sold, the beef jerky aisles of supermarkets, WWE wrestling events, and the Chuck Norris section of video stores. Unfortunately, we have made contact with very few thus far - they are quite elusive you know."

Although almost two weeks have passed since President Bush called the NC's to duty, only a paltry 3% have reported for duty. However, all of those that have been found came as a result of trickery. One such action came in the form of a fake Ann Coulter book signing used to lure in unsuspecting neo-chickenhawks. One of the captured NC's said following the sting, "I just couldn't resist meeting Ann".

Another trick, aimed at luring NC's hiding out in New York City, showed an episode of the Discovery Channel show, Future Weapons, on a large screen in Times Square - a reported 250 NC's showed up for the show and were given orders to report for duty. Another group of neo-chickenhawks attempted to barricade themselves in the Ronald Reagan Presidential library, but recruiters wore them down by blasting Dixie Chicks music for 24 hours straight.

If anyone has sighted NC's in their vicinity, please tell them to do the right thing and report for duty.